Ana is 1 month old! An update on all things BABY

I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.

Tears!

Tears at EVERYTHING. More on those in a bit!

How is this little girl 1 month old already? (Well, she hit the four-week mark on Tuesday; Friday will be Jan. 8, one month after Dec. 8, if you want to get technical).

Cutie face!

She is such a joy in our lives. I don't even have the words. But I'm sure going to type some out anyway, so prepare for a typical Michelle blog where I ramble for way too long about everything that pops into my head!

Gah. 

Motherhood is everything they said it was. THEEEE BEST. Your heart just explodes with love you didn't even think was possible. Sure, some (most) nights are sleepless, and shit can get tough, but ... overall, I'd do it a million times over. The love and emotions are indescribable. For Analisa and James! I cuddle them both every morning and just melt. How did I get so lucky?

We're in Michigan at the moment! Ana loves meeting all our friends and family members. And James' mom is coming to see us in a few weeks, so that's exciting, too. Ana's the best little girl with people -- she's already a pro at getting passed from person to person, but she rarely freaks; in fact, quite the contrary. She's such a little charmer with each new friend. Lots of smiles, friendly squeaks and eye contact. Anyone can burp or feed her. And everyone LOVES her. She's the most chill baby.

I feel like she's changed SO much in these first four weeks.

She already looks older. 

Light hair, don't care!

I swear, her hair appears to be so dark sometimes, especially in the back, but in some lighting, she looks almost ... strawberry blonde on the sides? With blue eyes (for now at least, I heard they sometimes change as they get older). Still: How is this my baby? I guess it's a bit of James on the lighter-hair front. I was born with a full head of DARK hair, which, outside of a few premature grays, remains dark AF to this day. Anyway, you also hear sometimes babies' hair falls out and re-grows. Who knows what any of this means for the future! Regardless, she is SO cute and precious (obviously)!

The first two or so weeks were challenging, at times. It's just so surreal -- you go to the hospital as childless people, you leave with a teeny, helpless baby to raise. And there aren't nurses and lactation specialists on hand at home to give you advice on everything anymore. You're all getting to know each other, and learning how to address the baby's needs, and running on 0 sleep but so much adrenaline. They say to sleep when the baby sleeps, but what about when she refuses her bassinet and will only sleep on you, for about 30 minutes at a time? Man.

Breastfeeding ... was my biggest struggle, by far. I'm going to share a bit about my experience, because I think it's important to address the challenges. This was definitely mine! Everyone warned me about the initial nipple pain and the importance of a good latch but, let's do a quick aside on all the other things that can go wrong! (If you're a guy or you DGAF, skip about 6 paragraphs).

Although first, I want to say THANK YOU to everyone who messaged me last time after I only made a brief mention of BF struggles. So many people have come out of the woodwork to share their support, their own stories and offer encouragement and advice. People I haven't spoken to in years, telling me to get in touch any time with questions. I love that. You hear about "mommy wars" (ew, hate the word "mommy" spoken by other adults), but all I've experienced so far is unconditional support. So refreshing and not at all what I was expecting!

Anyway, for some brief background: Ana was born 8 pounds, 13 ounces (chunker!)  We passed our breastfeeding benchmarks at the hospital, and we were discharged pretty fast, relatively speaking (we only stayed there one night with the baby). Breastfeeding was fine, initially. Not much pain or any complications. ... Until we got home.

Ana was eating around the clock. Like, they told me in the hospital that clusterfeeding is typical for newborns, and I realized that we'd be nursing every 2-3 hours. But this was more than that. This was like, 20 of 24 hours in the day were spent on the breast. No exaggeration. We fed all day and all night. She would go for two hours on one side, two hours on the next, then come off and start rooting (making faces indicating she's hungry). I would tear up, like, ARE YOU MOCKING ME RIGHT NOW? "What have you been DOING on there all this time?" I sensed she wasn't a very productive eater. She would cry and root, but then fall asleep on the breast, or just want to be near it. For real, I'd put it away, and she could sense that, and woke up sobbing. I spent the first few weeks glued to my rocker, and we spent all night and all day nursing, and it was exhausting. For her, for me, probably for James.

Then we had her first pediatrician checkup, where the doctor said she was losing weight. OK, I get that it's standard right after birth, but they still wanted her to be back up to birth-weight by a certain date. Needless to say, she lost even more after that, and we were already working every few days with a lactation consultant by that point, so it was just like, Operation Get Ana Some More Food. And she was constipated for a week. That pained me. And that's a story for another day. 

She never dropped below 8 pounds, and her behavior never changed, it wasn't like we were starving her out. She was hydrated and peeing through 7ish diapers a day. But I did fight the idea of formula for a bit before finally caving. I can't explain it -- it was probably definitely the hormones -- but I felt like such a failure. Why was my body letting my baby down? I wasn't producing enough, she wasn't eating well; the consultant said it was definitely not my fault alone, probably a good combo of the both of us. But it definitely felt like my fault. My delivery had gone about exactly as I had planned, and Analisa was such a perfect baby. This felt like such a disaster -- my first with the baby; I have to imagine it won't be my last -- but I just couldn't shake it. I couldn't even text about it without tearing up. Not to mention, there is just such immense pressure at Kaiser to breastfeed exclusively ... "breast is best" above all else. I was so ashamed. I thought I could control this, and I couldn't. It broke me.

Finally, after I STILL wasn't producing enough milk between breastfeeding and pumping and giving her all my extra as often as I could from the pump, we decided to bite the bullet and break into the formula samples that had come in the mail months ago. I prepared a few ounces, did my usual thing (breastfed, bottle-fed her an ounce or so that I had pumped a few hours earlier), and THEN when she still seemed hungry, gave her a little formula. Oh my gosh. What a difference! The first time Ana was satisfied, and had gotten enough food, felt like the happiest day of my life. She came off the bottle and her whole body relaxed. She melted into my arms. No rooting, no crying, no whimpering at me for more. Just smiles and sleep.

Happy baby, happy mom.

It was then that I finally heard everything people had been telling me. It truly doesn't matter. The baby doesn't know that breast is best. Just feed her! ... Best feeling ever. I'd rather she have a full belly and I can maintain my sanity, over any other options. 

So, we're doing what works for us when it comes to food. I still put her to breast probably 3-4 times a day. (It's hard, I had to take her off the right for a bit, I had a blister and the makings of an early infection). I just got her back on yesterday, and I was really excited about it. So, I pump probably 6 times a day, and feed her probably 70% breastmilk, 30% formula. But she's fed! I'm still drinking special teas and taking Fenugreek to boost my supply ... sometimes it seems like it's working, sometimes I'll get disappointing hauls and be all, WTF. My midwife prescribed me a drug called Reglan, which is supposed to help immensely, but some of the side effects seem questionable. I haven't taken any yet -- still weighing the pros and cons. (Like, depression and drowsiness have been noted. I just restored my sanity, and I'm already drowsy! I have a newborn. We don't sleep. Seems like I should avoid for now).

Anyway, Ana and I sleep so much better now. We play! We go on walks, I'm not scared for her to wake up, James can give her a bottle (of formula or breastmilk) overnight ... formula has been such a help in our lives. I'm no longer ashamed!

On a lighter note: She has a little rat tail/mullet! It's so funny. SHE is just so funny in general. I cried yesterday because she was being too cute and I didn't want her to grow up.

(Other things that have made me cry: Big Ten Network's "The Journey," -- not even a particularly sad one, not even MSU related -- the theme song to "Parenthood," every episode of PH season 6, James playing with Ana, "Make You Feel My Love" by Adele, I could go onnnnn and on and on).

Where was I? Ana makes the funniest faces and engages with me so much. With everyone really, I obviously just spend the most time with her right now. She copies my expressions occasionally, which makes me laugh, and she gets really excited when I rub her stomach in this one specific way. She's so fun. I take 9,000 pictures of her a day (sorry, I just recently learned you get an alert every time I post to the Little Miss Analisa FB page!) But I won't ease up. We're not offended if you want to unfollow  : )

Ana is just a really good baby -- James and I say she only cries when she has a legitimate reason. If she's fussing, it's because she needs to be fed, burped, diaper-changed, or she's too hot (Baby G likes to be a little cold). Only a small handful of times has she like, cried inconsolably. (And it broke my heart). Her cry got so wobbly at the end, and ends with this little "coo" noise other times. She is the CUTEST, even when she's upset.

I have to admit, they said to wake her up to feed every 2-3 hours. We ... don't. Who wakes a sleeping baby?! She feeds on demand. She lets me know, trust me. 

Don't get me wrong, she probably nurses or takes a bottle every 3ish hours anyway. But if she's having a nice little dose of sleep, who am I to interrupt that? She also co-sleeps with us in the mornings, usually after a 4 a.m. change/bottle. Again, not really recommended, but I think I've mentioned: you don't sleep the same with a baby in the bed. I'm very aware, even in my sleep, of where she's located and how she's positioned. I'm confident we'd never roll over onto that sweet baby. I cherish those mornings with the three of us snuggled together.

(Also, I just feel like doctors pick new shit to say every few years about what's safe and what's best. Even at the hospital, we had different people telling us different shit. When it comes to babies, no one knows).

We're doing a healthy dose of tummy time lately. She's so impressive! You can already tell she wants to crawl. She kicks her little froggy legs so vigorously, but is pretty far from actually getting her torso up. Still, she has the right idea. She can lift and turn her head from side to side, and loves to make eye contact and little squeaks and noises at her stuffed animals -- especially snowman and puppy!

James has named all her stuffed friends. I believe we have David the dog, Stan the snowman, and Tina the turtle. I die. 

We are totally those newborn parents who are obsessed with her, only want to talk about her, and think she's the smartest/best/cutest/etc. Ah!

Old man hair?

I can't wait till we get a belly laugh or some more substantial babble! Although ... trying not to look forward to too many benchmarks. We need to savor these moments in real time, because she'll never be 4 weeks again! : (  I love our time spent nursing, playing and cuddling. She rolls toward me in bed in the mornings and nuzzles into my chest. And I'm in heaven.

We read together every day. I narrate my day, and sing to her often.

She studies my face -- probably all faces -- and when she's sad, she loves going on a bouncy walk, as I've termed it. A bouncy walk is basically Ana high up over my shoulder, and I walk around the house, with some extra pep in my step. No matter how much she's crying, a bouncy walk will solve the problem. Yesterday, she spit up down my back and all throughout my hair during our walk. So that was fun!

Ana can sleep through anything once she's out, which is lovely. It makes running errands a breeze, and she even stayed asleep through a particularly loud dinner last week at Auburn Alehouse. Seriously, James and I have to do welfare checks on her, she looks dead sometimes. She LOVES her car seat, and similar to bouncy walk, that'll solve most problems, too.

Ana wouldn't lie flat at first, but lately she's coming around to the idea. She's flat right now, swaddled in her Aden and Anais wrap, next to me. (Love those things). Overall, she's such a happy, smart, engaged little girl. I'm so proud of her!

We usually just chill around the apartment in a swaddle and a diaper. She doesn't love clothes, and we keep our place warm enough, so why not?

I probably saved SO MUCH money, not learning the sex of the baby. Just now I'm starting to buy little girl things, and we've been gifted the cutest LG things of all time! Tell me you saw her Minnie Mouse costume. To die for! Sometimes James and I joke that she looks like a little old man because of her hair. Still, I'm against the idea of putting her in all pink all the time, or any aggressive, uncomfortable bows just to let the world know she's a girl. It's kind of hard to tell at this age anyway, right?

Final thoughts ... this is getting long!

"Superbaby" by Dr. Jenn is my shit. I do believe in talking to Ana like she's an adult (oh, don't you worry, there's still a good amount of baby talk around here!), and telling her things like when I'm leaving the room, or when I'll be back. It sounds crazy, but it's all about building trust, and tone of voice. I swear, sometimes I think she can understand me. Like when I ask her to smile for a video, sometimes she really does!

We might give her a middle name. I wasn't feeling one at the hospital, but now I might look into the process. Probably just involves a trip to the Social Security Office, no? We're leaning toward Analisa Callie.  Callie was probably my ... third or fourth choice on the girls name front? And it reminds me of Cali, like California, where James and I met. Not sure why it slipped my mind in the hospital, but it did. We'll see!

As for me, this all feels like such a whirlwind, but as I've mentioned in about 94 different ways, I am in absolute love with this little girl. Having a daughter is incredible. Those first few weeks are really hard, just figuring each other out, and by no means do I think we have all the kinks worked out! But this is a process, and I'm trying to be as laid back as I possibly can.

Feeding Minnie Mouse

How do people do this as single parents? I have the best partner in the world -- and it's so heartwarming to see how much Analisa loves James! -- but it's STILL tough. James put ME to bed at 11p the other day, and got up with Ana in the middle of the night, and it was one of those incredibly rare nights she slept till 6a. I almost cried, I was so happy and refreshed the next day. Seven hours? What new parent gets that?! But yeah ... I can't help but think, I could never do this alone. And how do you people do it when you already have a toddler running underfoot? I can't even imag.

Sleep issues will prevail on and off for ... awhile, I imagine. Years? But right now, I'm not too worried about habits or patterns or naps or timing. I figure if she wants to doze off, that's what she needs. Sometimes it's for 10 minutes, sometimes it's for 4 hours in the middle of the day, and like, whatever she needs is fine with me. Sometimes a huge nap at 8 p.m. means she'll be up all night. Sometimes it means she'll go right back down at 10. But I'm not working at the moment, so that's what I'm here for.

But the importance of taking care of yourself ... cannot be overstated. I didn't shower the first week, mostly because I was breastfeeding constantly, but like, if I've learned anything, it's this: take some time for you. I'm making a huge effort to eat three meals a day, drink more water, brush my teeth, and shower every other day, even if it's just a body rinse. There is time, and it's so worth it. I don't care as much about makeup or drying my hair or anything extra -- even if pictures are involved, which is a first for me -- but ... it's your sanity. It makes you feel human. Plus, if you're me and you're taking ALL the Fenugreek, you smell like maple syrup. Insert Buddy the Elf joke.

And if you don't feel like making freezer meals, don't. It's been pretty easy to run to Target or make some cereal or spaghetti in 10 minutes. That's been our experience, at least. Every sitch is different, I get that. 

I am the hungriest person of all time, but I guess that's just breastfeeding.

I guess BF helps you lose the baby weight, too? That's another thing I'm just not concerned with. It's like, I have a new baby! Who cares what my stomach looks like. (And, I didn't have a ridiculous pregnancy, I think I only gained 30ish pounds; my stomach looks fine).

My moral of the story -- at least, my chapter 1 -- is, don't let people freak you out about this whole thing. Month 1 is insane. It's crazy, don't get me wrong, and I hope my ramblings showed that, but you can still watch Bachelor with your huzb. 

That Lace girl ... GTFO. Right?

You'll sleep again at some point, even if it's just one day a week. And man, everyone is so right when they say time and time again: It is SO worth it. Every second. Soak it in! I'm certainly trying to.

Analisa : )

K, gotta go stare at my baby for as long as possible before she wakes up.