21 months!

This is totally one of those posts where I'm just now writing Analisa's update ... and she's definitely closer to 22 months by now. Such is life with an almost-official toddler bear, I suppose! You get busy. Time flies!

AH I have so much to fill you in on.

Nugget alert!

First of all, before I get started: Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for all the kind words on my last blog. Here, I'll link it in case you missed it, or you aren't sure wtf I'm talking about. Basically, I thought it was important to jot down some notes on our experience nursing + pumping. I'd honestly meant to do so for months, if not the entire past year. And I finally did it. I just typed it all out like, stream-of-consciousness style and I had no idea it would resonate with so many people. And I hate to go all WEB EDITOR on you, but the page views keep rolling in, too! You forget how many people struggle with nursing issues, and I was happy to share our story with such a receptive group. You guys are the best. I got so many FB comments, messages and texts -- it was hard to keep up! This is starting to sound like a humble-brag, I fear, so I'll cut myself off now. But seriously, thank you for giving me such a nice platform where I can share our experience without judgment or mommy wars or fear of negative anonymous comments. I think I've mentioned that I'm gonna stop these monthly updates once Ana turns 2, but I'll definitely keep up with the other free form-type mom pieces. I have a bunch saved in draft mode and I'm really excited to keep writing!

Anyway. Let's get to the Anz, shall we?

She is less go-with-the-flow these days, but just as sweet and fun.

Ugh, where to start? Family pictures were almost a disaster.

It's hard, because I want to commit to getting them taken every year. I think they'll be really fun to look back on, and already, last year's session seems like SO long ago! But ... how do I say this? I take a *lot* of pictures of Ana, as you all probably know, so I guess I feel like the bar is really high. <-- That sounds conceited and I don't mean for it to. I'll dive deeper: I'm not satisfied with any old pic of Analisa looking halfway deece, when I realize her full potential for cuteness (which is through the roof, #biased). Does that make sense?

So, although I'm obviously not a professional by any means, I still think I take super-adorable pics of our daughter almost daily. I feel like some moms would be OK with any professional, glossy, well-done pics in proper lighting. But not me. Last year, I was kind of underwhelmed when our photog didn't even try to get Ana to smile. This year, Ana just wanted to run away from us and explore the park on her own. And although our photog this year had a little bit more time to work with us and get Ana to halfway cooperate, I was still pretty bummed -- but not surprised -- when Ana would refuse to be held or she'd randomly freak out or try to sprint down this one path. You feel me?

And I know -- the pics turned out! Thank goodness. I was stressing! Seriously, if anyone needs a photog in Metro Detroit, Kerry Black is your girl. (But still, don't think that I was totally exaggerating when I say Ana was a mess). Sure, we got a handful of great pics out of the session. But consider that we were out there almost two hours. Kerry probably took what, 1,000 pics? And then edited 100? And then we found 20-ish salvageable ones? I mean, I know a cute bear when I see one, and she was on the verge of tears in MANY, MANY pics. Also her hair looked crazy and we had to do last-minute outfit changes because it was colder than expected -- but I'll take the responsibility for those things : ) Anyway, almost-2-year-old pics are done, and hopefully she's a little more bribeable at 3!

My loves.

And then what else ... oh! Swimming lessons. K, I never really expected Anz to learn learn anything, but I still thought she would hang out with the class and splash around.

Not so much.

Kind of like everything else in life rn, she wants to do it on HER terms, on HER time, etc.

I will say, it's pretty silly that this class is for babies like, newborn through age 3. That's a pretty ginorm age range! The first class was just like, introductions, silly songs, and dipping the babies' feet in the water, and Ana was over it within probably 3-4 minutes. She just started yelling, "DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN!" -- but like, no. I can't let you all the way down, Anz. We're in 3-4 feet of water -- and then she started in on, "OUT OUT OUT!"  She's not quite to an age where you can bribe her or reason with her, and I didn't want to be the people making a scene, so what could we do, really? She and James roamed the pool deck for a few, until she started stealing kick boards from the older classes and trying to throw them in the pool. Anddddd we were outta there.

Naughty bear ;)

Our goal for last week's class was just to keep her in the water. We played with her near the pool steps and she had a blast. But when we wandered over to the class, it was more songs and introductions and parent tips. UGH that kills our flow so hard, and I actually said that to one of the teachers who approached us after class. She was all, "Well, the goal is for the babies to be comfortable in the water," and let me tell you -- we are probably a little too comfortable! I feel like if anything, Ana should fear the water about 50 times harder. Remember in Lake Huron earlier this summer, when all she wanted to do was run into the water, mid-storm? Yeahhhhh.

'Tis the age, is what I hear -- for all this craziness and rebellion, that is. And then people will warn you, "Terrible 2s are coming!" Which, I've also heard for little girls, is more like Terrible 3s. "Three-nagers," if you will. Fingers crossed we're not in for it.   ;)

I will say, I hear a LOT of this sentiment lately: "Well, blahblahblah and this situation happened and that -- I just don't want him to turn into a brat!" Or, "I just don't want to spoil her or make her ungrateful!"

Sorry, but I don't really believe in all that. Not right now. I swear, people with babies Ana's age keep repeating this stuff! (And I know I always say not to judge, but just ...)

I mean, yes, of course, what we do as parents matters immensely. We have to set good examples, lead with our words, react in a way that the baby takes seriously ... but honestly, I don't believe scolding kids and laying the hammer down before the age of 2 really does much, or sets the foundation for a "bratty" or non-bratty kid. Even if I did try to discipline Ana or intervene too quickly or take more action, she likely wouldn't listen. I'm not sure she has the potential to absorb much of it at this stage in her life.

My point is, toddlers (or, pre-toddlers if you're us), are assholes sometimes. But what happens this week isn't necessarily going to set the bar for the teenage years.

My reactions matters. What we say or do during this stage matters. But I'm not gonna blow it out of proportion and say she's gonna be untamable at 10 because I caved on what sippie cup she used when she was nearly 2.

Also, I've learned that you can show her you're listening, but still do things on your terms. For example, if she'll all, "Home? Home?" when we're at the grocery store, I'll say, "We're going home soon, Ana. It will probably just be another 5 or 10 minutes. Mama's gotta find the cereal!" And then I follow through. "Ana, you were so patient! Thank you. Look, we're going home now, just like you wanted." You don't have to drop everything for their requests. I think kids feel secure when they know you're listening, but still in charge.

Oh and at this age more than EVER: You have to talk to her as if she's a real person. I mean, because she is! We've been pretty adamant about this since the beginning. You don't just grab her from playing and do a quickie diaper change without discussing it first. What if someone did that to you? You say, "Ana, that diaper looks full! I'm going to change it really quick and then you can get back to your toys."

It might sound crazy to some, but Dr. Jenn gave me this idea, as well (I swear, she comes up in my blogs all the time -- because "Superbaby." Go read it).

Even since Ana was an infant, I've been in this routine, even with an example as simple as, "Mama's gotta run and stir the soup in the kitchen really quick. I'll be right back!" I talk to her confidently and I tell her what's up.

I swear, some moms look at me like I'm crazy -- you should hear Anz and I chattering away at the mall, even when she's in her stroller these days -- or  even when she was weeks old and I'd give her a heads up that I was gonna grab a glass of water. But I swear, it set an important foundation for us.

No. 1 stunna

This kind of ties in to what I was saying earlier, but am I the only one *not* micromanaging my kid?

I swear, every time I go to the library -- the one in town or in Royal Oak -- there are these helicopter moms hovering ahead like, "Play over here!" "No, the train set works like THIS." "Share your things!" "No, grab that other book." "Did you see this kitchen toys?"

OMG let your kid playyyyyy. I swear I might look like the bad mom, catching up on email on my phone on the couch, but Ana is capable of playing by herself. She's often happier playing by herself. I'm not about that bossy-mom life. Let them live!

All that said: Ana is still the best girl.

Daddy's main squeeze

A bit defiant at times, yes. Independent af, yes. Wants to do things her way, hell yes.

But honestly, she still plays well with others -- even if it's more parallel play than like, actively playing with other kids. She doesn't care when other kids rip toys off her. She's shy, but mostly difficult just with me and James.  :)  It means she's comfortable and confident around us, right?

And we have way more good times than hard times. I mean, it's like, 94% giggles and more interaction than ever and cuddles and love and play time. Sure, the 6% is a real pain in the ass, but she's our gal. We are blown away by her every single day, no exaggeration. She is so sweet, loving, filled with joy and just like, infectious. Even after the hardest of days, we'll put her down and be all, "I miss Ana!"

That smile, you know?

Also, she says SO MANY WORDS.

I think I'm just gonna say this every month from here on out. Sorry not sorry!

She was marching around in my T-shirt the other day (which looked like a maxi dress on her), and she paired it with shoes (which she put on herself) and a headband, marched over to me, and said with great confidence, "OUTFIT!"

Outfit was right.

She counts to 10. I swear, she was stuck on one-two, and then one-two-three for months. Then she woke up one morning and counted to 10, no prob.

I especially love when a bird makes a strange sound or she'll hear a fire truck and ask, "What's that?" (Sounds like "WAT DAT?")

She hears something once and remembers it, I swear.

Also, super simple but cute -- I love to hear her say YES. She has a few versions: "ya ya ya," "sure!," "yeahhhhhh" or "YES!" But in a world where she only used to say no, I love an agreeable Ana!

"Wanna come read a book with Mama?"
"Ummmm SURE!" she'll say with a big smile. <OMG my heart>.

Also she'll tell you these stories! I got back to Royal Oak from the newsroom the other day and she was all, "Suit and water and blue and Meese and Bob and eat and dark and outside!" She uses her hands to explain, and she's so serious when she's telling me a story. My mom and I were loving it!

Anyway ...

Sleep issues -- we kind of fixed them, but I'm scared to type that officially.

Who, me?

K, so Analisa went like, 5-6 days straight with no nap, and I was scaredddd. We were trying everything. Waiting till she seemed really tired (but then, were we making her overtired?)  or trying earlier than usual, so that she *wouldn't* be overtired (but then, was she just getting bored in her crib?)

And like, some days, I'd really try to tire her out with lots of outside time or errands or STUFF. And it would make 0 difference.

I even asked one of my moms groups on FB, "When did your kid drop the nap?" And I got so much advice -- from people telling me she might be done with the crib and I should consider moving her to a big-girl bed, or dropping around age 2 is totally normal, or totally ridiculous advice ... argh. It made my head spin. Also, I just read somewhere that kids typically don't drop the nap before 2 -- and sometimes maintain it until age 4 or 5! K, I'm totally not expecting her to last that long, but like, through the next year or so, probably? Right?

Also, I'm not being crazy. She's not ready to drop the nap -- if she hasn't taken one that day, usually 6 p.m. rolls around and she's completely miserable. But she fights it and fights it and I half think she's just testing her limits/my sanity. Her eyes are all heavy when I put her down and I have no idea why she doesn't go tf to sleep. If she had quiet time in her room and came out refreshed and recharged for the second half of the day, it would be one thing.

But this is not that.

Anyway, all of a sudden, James switched the game by putting her down without her gang of "fwens." (Friends are Elmo, Abby, Dragon, sometimes Bunny, Nuts and Poppy. All are known to go everywhere with her). James mid-week was like, "Just Blue today!" And guess who was down within 10 minutes? I swear, she'd been napping the past few weeks like, on rare occasion, but it was taking 45 minutes or so for her to pass out. And without her lovies just recently, she was OUT. This has been the case for the past few days, so ... maybe it's too soon to call it a pattern. But we're back to napping, and that's what counts! I will honestly take every last day I can get. Also because I have this cold that just won't quit. I need her to rest so I can rest! (Selfish).

Also we gave her a pillow.

Speaking of big-girl bed talk, did I mention last month that I got her a bed? Just the frame because it was cheap, exactly what I wanted and for sale on FB. I'd been kindddd of debating the move, until I happened upon a thread online that basically said, "Oh, your kid still sleeps well in the crib? Why F with it then?" and that really resonated with me. Nothing is broken -- fingers crossed -- so why am I trying to fix a problem that doesn't yet exist?

I am now thinking about a potty in the downstairs. I even bought one at Walmart; who even knows why. I haven't set it up yet. I was thinking instead of pushing it or going right into potty training, she could get used to seeing it around the house first. You know what I mean? It could become a little more top of mind. She does often tell me when she's wet or when she's pooped, and likes watching me pee.

We're still happy in diapers -- will totally do this on her schedule. And she still sleeps like a boss at night, nap or no nap, so honestly, those are the two things that matter most, right, with all these transitions floating around?

Hi boo!

I know I always say, "this is my favorite age!" every month ...

And it's occurred to me that maybe I should take a month off, because Anz can pose quite a few challenges lately ... but honestly, NAH. "What sound does a horsey make, Ana?" ... "Nahhhhh!"

Here is a list of reasons why going-on-2 is worth it:

1.) She says, "I love you!" and gives me the happiest, wettest kisses. Every day.
2.) She runs around the house looking for me, going, "Mommy? MOMMY? MAMA?" I swear, her eyes pop open some mornings and she must say, "MOMMY!" as one of her first thoughts, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
3.) When we drive to RO on Tuesdays, we make these silly noises at each other and she ends up laughing so hard she probably pees.
4.) She tries to make me laugh (and succeeds) and loves it.
5.) Her personality is bigger and brighter than ever.
6.) She brings me books (well, this is not new), but *truly* seems to absorb them -- repeating after me on occasion, trying to recite all the colors on each page, taking in new words, and reacting in the best ways possible. "See Ana? They just didn't recognize Daffodil with his fancy new haircut." ... "Ohhhhh!" she'll say with a knowing smile.
7.) She's excited about learning and is really trying to impress me -- see #6 -- or even just by carrying something heavy. She's so proud of herself and loves a good challenge.
8.) Her curiosity about the world is just ... there are no words. Babies are fascinating. She is fascinating. I love watching her take it all in. She makes connections so fast these days and just wants to know everything!
9.) The way she uses her new words.
10.) Her silly dances (that look like mine), like to my alarm clock song (Chandelier by Sia). I swear she's my mini!
11.) Her singing! Tell me you've seen the Snapchats.
12.) SHE IS CUTER THAN EVER, I DON'T EVEN CARE IF YOU REFUSE ALL FAMILY PICTURES OR NEVER GO TO (EXPENSIVE AF) SWIM CLASS AGAIN.

Anyway, I try not to glamorize each age -- or make it look too easy or too hard. I assume everyone has different experiences along the way, and these are just ours.

There was a day last week when Anz wouldn't nap, and Lord I NEEDED it and I think I cried (like, not active tears, but def welled up from exhaustion). And I was all, "Why are we having ANOTHER BABY, I WILL NEVER SURVIVE!"

But we will. I caught up on sleep that night. Everything is a stage and nothing lasts. Hopefully the nap fight can be a distant memory soon enough.

I'll wrap up with some loves + hates and we can call it a day, until like, next week when my month 22 blog is due.  ;)

Ana loves:
Mommy + daddy
OUSSIDE
Her lovies (Po, Elmo, Abby, bunny, Nuts, Poppy and Roger the dragon are in the main gang)
Meese + Bob
Breaddddddd (please sing that word like Oprah)
Everything and everyone in the morning
The water, as long as she doesn't have to participate in that swim class for BABIES
Standing during baths
When I say, "Who's naughty?"
Fruit snacks <--- (bad mom)
Milk in the milk cup, juice in the juice cup and water in the water cup SO HELP HER GOD.

Ana hates:
A new random food every day (might be something she LOVED the day before)
Getting her shoes put on: "SHOES FEET TOES OUCH NO!" (Yes, they fit just fine).
When I do her hair
Naptime, most days
Being asked by strangers to do literally anything
Going with the flow
Restaurants
Patience
When I make myself a bowl of cereal (even if we share bites). "No, no, nooooo mama!"
When a cup is in the dishwasher and I have to put water in the milk sippie, SO HELP HER GOD.

Until next time!

When nursing falls apart.

Otherwise known as, our experience nursing.

Tiny babes!

I've never been one to make a really specific plan -- about anything in life. I mean, why bother? Everyone knows the best-laid plans often fall apart. I kind of like to have a loose idea in my head re: how something will play out (my week, a family vacation, what we'll do for dinners in the next few days) and then I just do my best to make it all happen, or kind of let the pieces fall as they may.

So when my midwife in California started bugging me about creating a birth plan, or asking why I hadn't turned mine in yet, I was kind of lol about it. "I don't know, can't the plan just be, 'Have the baby at some point?'" I'd joke with James -- (and I think I actually asked midwife Carol this very question, if memory serves me correctly). Oh, and for whatever it's worth, they definitely badgered me into filling out the damn sheet. I kind of filled it out how I just explained:

Q: "What do you have in mind for pain management?"
A: "Um, we'll see how it goes. I'm not against an epidural but I don't want to plan on one, either. TBD!"

For real, the nurses were probably like, "Cool. This is in no way helpful."

Anyway, I didn't have a birth plan, I didn't really read pregnancy books, but I did have a loose idea in my head about how this should all play out. And about how labor and delivery might go, and about how things would operate once the baby arrived. I mean, it's hard to plan, because you have no idea what kind of shit storm you're about to get hit with, but I was like, "Oh yeah, OF COURSE I'll nurse. Duh. Why wouldn't I?"

I'm not really *crunchy* crunchy. I mean, I don't make my own kombucha like some of the girls in my Crunchy Moms Facebook group, I don't own my own chickens, I definitely believe in vaccinating and strongly believe that the top solution for teething is a healthy dose of baby ibuprofen. But I've always considered myself like, 25-35% crunchy just based on the fact that like, when it comes to parenting, I like to do things organically (meaning, on their own, not "feeding my daughter organic food only)." I'm into attachment parenting, baby-wearing, baby-led weaning and only washing my own hair twice a week or so. I used to practice bikram yoga religiously and I'd rather shop local. Etc. Little stuff like that.

So safe to say, nursing definitely fell in line with my plans. I wasn't against formula, but I didn't love the idea of giving my baby formula so early on, when she could just get it straight from the tap, for free. Plus, the bonding! And the fact that we didn't want to introduce new proteins too early on (in fear of Ana developing James' Type 1 diabetes). So yeah, the way I saw it, I was a naturally boss pregnant lady. I had a pretty smooth L&D, all things considered, and I thought breastfeeding would be the most natural thing in the world for us. I had taken the classes at Kaiser, I was equipped with the names and numbers of several private lactation consultants if all else failed, and I was ready to go.

Here's how it actually went down:

Ana was born and immediately did the baby-crawl right on up to the boob. Well, we gave her a little boost toward the end, propping her into position, and she nursed *right* away. Like, I'm saying we didn't even wipe her down first. No one weighed her or bathed her or did anything you see on TV. We did the delayed cord-clamping, James finally cut it, she nursed while I rubbed the vernix into her skin and it was love at first snuggles. She latched right away and her first nursing sesh lasted probably 20 minutes or so. I didn't even feel the pain; if there was any, I was just so elated to have my baby girl out in the world and on my chest.

We nursed the entire time at the hospital with no problem. Lactation specialists stopped by my room constantly on their rounds, and everyone said we were old pros. We passed all our tests, she was feeding around the clock and we got discharged VERY quickly. I labored through one night, stayed one additional for monitoring, and then we were outta there. The hospital photographer hadn't even had a chance to swing by yet.

Once we got home, Ana and I were cluster-feeding just like the name implies: around the clock. I was glad, because the latch still seemed good and she was a pretty happy baby, but after about a week or so, I started to get suspicious. She hadn't pooped, which made me question how much milk she was actually getting. And then more and more, I'd notice how she'd sit at the boob all day, pissed when I'd try to end a nursing sesh early ... but she wasn't really drinking too productively. Or she'd just fall asleep there. Also, I understand that the concept of cluster-feeding is honestly CONSTANT nursing, but she just never seemed to be satisfied. My mom would be all, "But you nurse and then you put her down, right?" Wrong. She was honestly nursing 22 of 24 hours in a day. We would just sit there in the rocker and she'd sip-sip. Still, it never seemed to be enough.

No idea why I'm smiling here; I probably feel like true garbage.

She nursed while I slept on my side, just in a desperate attempt to get ANY shut-eye. And again, without any #2s, I was like, " ... does this mean she's not getting enough?" All my concerns kicked off a solid week, or 10 days or so, of constant trips to Kaiser to meet with an LC. We generally saw the same woman, and she was pretty good. She recommended some new strategies, helped me keep Ana focused on the task at hand and kept us in the BF game for a bit longer. But she would weigh Ana too, and my suspicions were confirmed: Ana didn't seem to be getting enough. Newborns are expected to lose a little weight after they're born, but they eventually re-gain. Ana was losing weight too quickly, and NOT re-gaining. The LC suspected it was palate problems on Ana's end, meaning perhaps my breast didn't line up with her high palate, or maybe she really was just an unproductive eater, which is totally a thing, or maybe I wasn't producing enough.

This launched me into a crazy spiral of trying to make more milk. I started downing normal water, coconut water, special teas, more food, Fenugreek tablets, lactation cookies, you name it. Nothing really worked, with the only exception being an absolute VAT of water. The problem was, I really only had about a week with James' help at our apartment. We had no family in California at the time. I had a really hard time keeping myself constantly fed and hydrated when Ana would SCREAM bloody murder any time I tried to put her down for a sec. I couldn't even pee. It was next-level. We'd just lie around and sleep and nurse all day. I was starving and usually thirsty and I knew none of this was helping. I stopped just short of taking Reglan, a drug prescribed by my midwife, mostly because the side-effects were drowsiness and depression. I was already tired af, and although NOT depressed, I just thought post-partum wasn't a good time to chance my odds. When the LC suggested pumping after each nursing session, and then feeding Ana the pumped milk to supplement, I knew we had to give it a shot.

And it worked!

I finally saw my baby truly relaxxxx for the first time in her short life. She was pretty happy in general, all things considered, but like I mentioned earlier: She wanted to be connected to the breast 24/7. If I put her down, she was tense and angry and rooting. Anytime someone else held her, she'd go for the boob. Embarrassing.

But once I finally nursed her and THEN gave her a pumped bottle, she just like, melted into my arms. I think I was even able to set her down and make myself a sandwich. It was a really incredible feeling. "Oh THAT'S how it's supposed to work," I thought to myself.

Sleeping, relaxed baby! Finally.

So, the bummer part was, that became my life for the next few weeks. Feed her, pump, give a bottle. Feed her, pump, give a bottle. What I'm saying is, she seemed more satisfied finally, and she FINALLY started putting on weight (thank God), but this feeding business was still taking up 22 of 24 hours in the day. I'm probably exaggerating this time, but not by much. It was my full-time job, times seven. And we had to move across the country by car. I knew I wouldn't have time, or be able to get Ana out of the car seat for all the nursing AND pumping. Oh, and it was around this time too, Christmas Day actually, when I developed an infected milk duct. This wasn't mastitis (which also sounds shitty). This felt like lightning bolts IN MY BOOB whenever Ana latched, or whenever I pumped, or whenever I even experienced minor letdown (I didn't let down much, probably hence the low-supply issue).

Anyway, I just remember sobbing to the woman on the on-call nurse line at 4 a.m. on Christmas Day, asking when the pain would stop, or what I could do. Also my parents were flying into Oakland to help us pack up and start the journey home to Michigan. I knew I needed a solution. So basically, the next day, James picked up some prescriptions for me. I then moved to exclusive pumping and then THAT became my life for the next six months.

I pumped four to eight times a day, every three hours or so, and even set alarms on my phone to wake up and do it. I had days and weeks when I was like, "Shit, I really *do* have low supply." I'd cry when I'd only get like, 2 ounces total out of a 20-minute session. But then I'd chug water like it was Natty Light in 2007, and wake up and get 10 ounces. I was proud to say Ana drank mostly breastmilk until she was about 8 months old. At some point, I wasn't making enough to fulfill her entire diet, and we had to start supplementing with formula. But I was just of the mentality, "If this is what she needs -- or what WE need, then so be it. Our sanity is important, too." Also, I felt good about the fact that Ana was always drinking probably 75% pumped milk, and again, I'd only resort to making a bottle when we were absolutely out of fridge-stash. She burned through that stuff FAST though! I was always jealous of FB moms with deep-freezers full of milk. That was not us.

Giving a bottle to Little Miss Minnie Mouse.

And then at some point, I think we were out of town, and I had been pumping less and less toward the end of our road ... I just kind of dried up. Well, I dried myself up, I should say. I swear, I had like, three pumping sessions where I couldn't get much out. By that point, I had come to terms with the fact that I had a growing baby, I couldn't just leave her in the Rock n Play anymore 4-8x a day, and I'd have to be finished soon anyway. I had burned through two pumps, a million accessories and parts, and I was so sick of it all. I was tired of feeling glued to the stupid thing. I just felt done. I also felt a teeny bit selfish? But I honestly think like, I did what I could. For the majority of Ana's first year, I sacrificed sleep, sanity, drinks, plans ... and I was no longer scared of the formula: Kaiser breastfeeding classes be damned.

Maybe the situation would have been different, if it weren't for a cross-country move or whatever, but I was sick of beating myself up about it. (Oh, and I did. Seems silly in hindsight, but like I said, post-partum is an emotionally fragile time).

Just to see my baby satisfied, even with formula, was very fulfilling. She seemed to like it just as much as my milk. If anything, her poops were more consistent (sorry TMI) on it, too. She's still never to this day gotten sick -- knock on wood -- so I don't want to hear anything about how I weakened her immune system (lol). And it's really not as expensive as everyone makes it out to be. Sure, I probably saved loads of cash by pumping as much as I did, but like, if you just buy the yellow can from Costco, that thing is less than $20 and lasts foreverrrrrr.

(If you're used to constant dinners out and dranks, which our old life afforded, the cost is really NBD).

Anyway, Ana is 21 months now. She is strong, happier than ever, healthy and smart. I remember crying in bed at our old apartment, feeling like I was failing on such a basic level: I couldn't even provide enough milk to sustain my precious baby. Everything else went so well, but I failed at this. I recall thinking that if I had to give her a bottle, I'd die. Of embarrassment, of let-down expectations ... oh, and plus, when you're post-partum, you're usually a little crazy (I think I've said that a few different ways now). I didn't experience depression, but my feelings were just like, amplified. Hard to explain! I was tearing up left and right and couldn't even keep my shit together. But now I look back and I'm just like, "Why were you so scared of the formula again?"

All the painful nipple stuff didn't even stack up to my bruised emotions (and yes. The nipps burn).

Anyway, the moral of the story is, things don't always go as planned, WHICH I KNEW, yet I was still heartbroken and I went through this roller-coaster ride of pump sessions for the next 6-8 months to make up for it. If you have to give a bottle, just know that it's going to be fine. All our moms were formula-fed; it was a thing. Oh, and happy mama = happy baby? Truer words have honestly never been spoken. And once I was able to detach myself from the pump and play with my sweet daughter even more ... I swear, it made me feel like a happier and better mom instantly.

Your worth as a mom does NOT hinge on how you feed your baby.

I'll leave you with some of the lessons I learned along the way:

1.) Latch isn't everything.
People always want to ask about latch, or act like this sets the stage for all else. I even thought this was the big pass or fail on breastfeeding: whether the baby had a strong latch. Ana could latch like a champion, but then we still had 99 probz. Tongue-tie is a thing, palate issues are all too real, milk production ... the list probably goes ON and on. But don't assume you're out of the woods if your kid can latch.

2.) Breastfeeding is a full-time job. Or two or three full-time jobs.
Don't expect to just nurse and put her down (even under best-case scenario). Cluster-feeding is intense af and in those first few weeks, they are hungryyyy.

3.) The more you nurse or pump, the more milk you'll make.
I read this everywhere and it was pretty true. It's why I pumped so much. Even when I didn't yield much, it was still important to tell my body that it was needed. (It's a supply and demand thing).

4.) You can still bond with your baby while giving him a bottle.
Make plenty of eye contact. Sing songs, read if you're on a surface that allows that, give plenty of cuddles and make it a shared experience. I swear, when I was struggling through nursing sessions (or when I had my infected duct and couldn't even open my eyes through the pain), we were NOT bonding. I swear you can bond just as much through the bottle or the breast.

5.) Listen to your gut.
Speaking of that infected duct, my midwife was like, "Yeah yeah whatever, get her back on the breast ASAP. No matter what/at all costs/I don't care if you die." K maybe not that last part, but it sure felt like it! Honestly, I was already reading up on exclusive pumping and supplementing with formula by that point. My gut was telling me it was what we needed at that time in our lives, I trusted it, and I have no regrets. You have a mom instinct too, and you should lean on it. You know best what would work for you two.

6.) If you honestly think nursing sounds horrible and it's not for you, then don't do it.
Obviously this is just my opinion, but I've spoken with a fair number of moms over the past two years or so who are uncomfortable with it for whatever reason. Do you, mamas. And speaking of which ...

7.) Just never read the comments section on any mom posts/FB shit/etc.
Fed is best. Remember that. No one else is living your life.

8.) Expect nursing to be hard, and you might have complications, but you also might not.
I think I expected it to be too easy. And on the flip side, I think you hear a fair amount about how challenging it can be. But like, my cousin nurses her daughter like a champion, has never really had a complication, and makes a ton of milk. Same with this girl whose blog I stalk. For some people, it's just easier. Who knows why. Drink those fluids, don't be afraid to call for help and get after it!

9.) Beer doesn't always help.
I read somewhere that if you have weak supply, drinking a beer can prevent you from letting down all the way. Now, who knows. I know beer has some good ingredients for you when you're nursing (in moderation, of course). But for me, beer didn't make a diff -- 2007 Natty Lights be damned. SHRUG.

10.) Just because it went poorly with one kid, doesn't mean it will next time.
So, fingers crossed for baby #2! I will drink all the water in the world and stock up on healthy snacks ... because ain't nobody got time to chase a crazy toddler and pump around the clock. That just won't be happening this time around.

11.) Nursing can make you CRAZY HUNGRY.
I swear, I've never been hungrier.

12.) But if you hold onto a little extra weight, that's totally normal.
That's evolution, I guess.

13.) Although I've kind of touched on this, don't compare yourself to others.
Sure, maybe some other mom CAN nurse without as many problems, but again, none of this is a reflection on how good of a mom you are. You probably have something she doesn't, just like she has something you don't. It's all a balancing act.

14.) You can totally still have cocktails.
This is why they make those test strips. Also, less alcohol is absorbed in your milk than you'd imagine.

15.) Not everything is so black/white.
I remember when my LC suggested supplementing with my own milk. "People do that?" I asked. ... I was definitely naive as to what my options were. I thought it was BF *or* formula-feeding, and I hadn't even really considered a combo, when the concept was first introduced. We need to talk more, as women and moms, about our options and what works best in different situations.

There you are: A way-too-long post on nursing! I hope you all have way better luck than I did, or at least, if you're having a shitty time, you can rest easy knowing we did, too.  ;)  You are NOT alone.