21 months!

This is totally one of those posts where I'm just now writing Analisa's update ... and she's definitely closer to 22 months by now. Such is life with an almost-official toddler bear, I suppose! You get busy. Time flies!

AH I have so much to fill you in on.

Nugget alert!

First of all, before I get started: Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for all the kind words on my last blog. Here, I'll link it in case you missed it, or you aren't sure wtf I'm talking about. Basically, I thought it was important to jot down some notes on our experience nursing + pumping. I'd honestly meant to do so for months, if not the entire past year. And I finally did it. I just typed it all out like, stream-of-consciousness style and I had no idea it would resonate with so many people. And I hate to go all WEB EDITOR on you, but the page views keep rolling in, too! You forget how many people struggle with nursing issues, and I was happy to share our story with such a receptive group. You guys are the best. I got so many FB comments, messages and texts -- it was hard to keep up! This is starting to sound like a humble-brag, I fear, so I'll cut myself off now. But seriously, thank you for giving me such a nice platform where I can share our experience without judgment or mommy wars or fear of negative anonymous comments. I think I've mentioned that I'm gonna stop these monthly updates once Ana turns 2, but I'll definitely keep up with the other free form-type mom pieces. I have a bunch saved in draft mode and I'm really excited to keep writing!

Anyway. Let's get to the Anz, shall we?

She is less go-with-the-flow these days, but just as sweet and fun.

Ugh, where to start? Family pictures were almost a disaster.

It's hard, because I want to commit to getting them taken every year. I think they'll be really fun to look back on, and already, last year's session seems like SO long ago! But ... how do I say this? I take a *lot* of pictures of Ana, as you all probably know, so I guess I feel like the bar is really high. <-- That sounds conceited and I don't mean for it to. I'll dive deeper: I'm not satisfied with any old pic of Analisa looking halfway deece, when I realize her full potential for cuteness (which is through the roof, #biased). Does that make sense?

So, although I'm obviously not a professional by any means, I still think I take super-adorable pics of our daughter almost daily. I feel like some moms would be OK with any professional, glossy, well-done pics in proper lighting. But not me. Last year, I was kind of underwhelmed when our photog didn't even try to get Ana to smile. This year, Ana just wanted to run away from us and explore the park on her own. And although our photog this year had a little bit more time to work with us and get Ana to halfway cooperate, I was still pretty bummed -- but not surprised -- when Ana would refuse to be held or she'd randomly freak out or try to sprint down this one path. You feel me?

And I know -- the pics turned out! Thank goodness. I was stressing! Seriously, if anyone needs a photog in Metro Detroit, Kerry Black is your girl. (But still, don't think that I was totally exaggerating when I say Ana was a mess). Sure, we got a handful of great pics out of the session. But consider that we were out there almost two hours. Kerry probably took what, 1,000 pics? And then edited 100? And then we found 20-ish salvageable ones? I mean, I know a cute bear when I see one, and she was on the verge of tears in MANY, MANY pics. Also her hair looked crazy and we had to do last-minute outfit changes because it was colder than expected -- but I'll take the responsibility for those things : ) Anyway, almost-2-year-old pics are done, and hopefully she's a little more bribeable at 3!

My loves.

And then what else ... oh! Swimming lessons. K, I never really expected Anz to learn learn anything, but I still thought she would hang out with the class and splash around.

Not so much.

Kind of like everything else in life rn, she wants to do it on HER terms, on HER time, etc.

I will say, it's pretty silly that this class is for babies like, newborn through age 3. That's a pretty ginorm age range! The first class was just like, introductions, silly songs, and dipping the babies' feet in the water, and Ana was over it within probably 3-4 minutes. She just started yelling, "DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN!" -- but like, no. I can't let you all the way down, Anz. We're in 3-4 feet of water -- and then she started in on, "OUT OUT OUT!"  She's not quite to an age where you can bribe her or reason with her, and I didn't want to be the people making a scene, so what could we do, really? She and James roamed the pool deck for a few, until she started stealing kick boards from the older classes and trying to throw them in the pool. Anddddd we were outta there.

Naughty bear ;)

Our goal for last week's class was just to keep her in the water. We played with her near the pool steps and she had a blast. But when we wandered over to the class, it was more songs and introductions and parent tips. UGH that kills our flow so hard, and I actually said that to one of the teachers who approached us after class. She was all, "Well, the goal is for the babies to be comfortable in the water," and let me tell you -- we are probably a little too comfortable! I feel like if anything, Ana should fear the water about 50 times harder. Remember in Lake Huron earlier this summer, when all she wanted to do was run into the water, mid-storm? Yeahhhhh.

'Tis the age, is what I hear -- for all this craziness and rebellion, that is. And then people will warn you, "Terrible 2s are coming!" Which, I've also heard for little girls, is more like Terrible 3s. "Three-nagers," if you will. Fingers crossed we're not in for it.   ;)

I will say, I hear a LOT of this sentiment lately: "Well, blahblahblah and this situation happened and that -- I just don't want him to turn into a brat!" Or, "I just don't want to spoil her or make her ungrateful!"

Sorry, but I don't really believe in all that. Not right now. I swear, people with babies Ana's age keep repeating this stuff! (And I know I always say not to judge, but just ...)

I mean, yes, of course, what we do as parents matters immensely. We have to set good examples, lead with our words, react in a way that the baby takes seriously ... but honestly, I don't believe scolding kids and laying the hammer down before the age of 2 really does much, or sets the foundation for a "bratty" or non-bratty kid. Even if I did try to discipline Ana or intervene too quickly or take more action, she likely wouldn't listen. I'm not sure she has the potential to absorb much of it at this stage in her life.

My point is, toddlers (or, pre-toddlers if you're us), are assholes sometimes. But what happens this week isn't necessarily going to set the bar for the teenage years.

My reactions matters. What we say or do during this stage matters. But I'm not gonna blow it out of proportion and say she's gonna be untamable at 10 because I caved on what sippie cup she used when she was nearly 2.

Also, I've learned that you can show her you're listening, but still do things on your terms. For example, if she'll all, "Home? Home?" when we're at the grocery store, I'll say, "We're going home soon, Ana. It will probably just be another 5 or 10 minutes. Mama's gotta find the cereal!" And then I follow through. "Ana, you were so patient! Thank you. Look, we're going home now, just like you wanted." You don't have to drop everything for their requests. I think kids feel secure when they know you're listening, but still in charge.

Oh and at this age more than EVER: You have to talk to her as if she's a real person. I mean, because she is! We've been pretty adamant about this since the beginning. You don't just grab her from playing and do a quickie diaper change without discussing it first. What if someone did that to you? You say, "Ana, that diaper looks full! I'm going to change it really quick and then you can get back to your toys."

It might sound crazy to some, but Dr. Jenn gave me this idea, as well (I swear, she comes up in my blogs all the time -- because "Superbaby." Go read it).

Even since Ana was an infant, I've been in this routine, even with an example as simple as, "Mama's gotta run and stir the soup in the kitchen really quick. I'll be right back!" I talk to her confidently and I tell her what's up.

I swear, some moms look at me like I'm crazy -- you should hear Anz and I chattering away at the mall, even when she's in her stroller these days -- or  even when she was weeks old and I'd give her a heads up that I was gonna grab a glass of water. But I swear, it set an important foundation for us.

No. 1 stunna

This kind of ties in to what I was saying earlier, but am I the only one *not* micromanaging my kid?

I swear, every time I go to the library -- the one in town or in Royal Oak -- there are these helicopter moms hovering ahead like, "Play over here!" "No, the train set works like THIS." "Share your things!" "No, grab that other book." "Did you see this kitchen toys?"

OMG let your kid playyyyyy. I swear I might look like the bad mom, catching up on email on my phone on the couch, but Ana is capable of playing by herself. She's often happier playing by herself. I'm not about that bossy-mom life. Let them live!

All that said: Ana is still the best girl.

Daddy's main squeeze

A bit defiant at times, yes. Independent af, yes. Wants to do things her way, hell yes.

But honestly, she still plays well with others -- even if it's more parallel play than like, actively playing with other kids. She doesn't care when other kids rip toys off her. She's shy, but mostly difficult just with me and James.  :)  It means she's comfortable and confident around us, right?

And we have way more good times than hard times. I mean, it's like, 94% giggles and more interaction than ever and cuddles and love and play time. Sure, the 6% is a real pain in the ass, but she's our gal. We are blown away by her every single day, no exaggeration. She is so sweet, loving, filled with joy and just like, infectious. Even after the hardest of days, we'll put her down and be all, "I miss Ana!"

That smile, you know?

Also, she says SO MANY WORDS.

I think I'm just gonna say this every month from here on out. Sorry not sorry!

She was marching around in my T-shirt the other day (which looked like a maxi dress on her), and she paired it with shoes (which she put on herself) and a headband, marched over to me, and said with great confidence, "OUTFIT!"

Outfit was right.

She counts to 10. I swear, she was stuck on one-two, and then one-two-three for months. Then she woke up one morning and counted to 10, no prob.

I especially love when a bird makes a strange sound or she'll hear a fire truck and ask, "What's that?" (Sounds like "WAT DAT?")

She hears something once and remembers it, I swear.

Also, super simple but cute -- I love to hear her say YES. She has a few versions: "ya ya ya," "sure!," "yeahhhhhh" or "YES!" But in a world where she only used to say no, I love an agreeable Ana!

"Wanna come read a book with Mama?"
"Ummmm SURE!" she'll say with a big smile. <OMG my heart>.

Also she'll tell you these stories! I got back to Royal Oak from the newsroom the other day and she was all, "Suit and water and blue and Meese and Bob and eat and dark and outside!" She uses her hands to explain, and she's so serious when she's telling me a story. My mom and I were loving it!

Anyway ...

Sleep issues -- we kind of fixed them, but I'm scared to type that officially.

Who, me?

K, so Analisa went like, 5-6 days straight with no nap, and I was scaredddd. We were trying everything. Waiting till she seemed really tired (but then, were we making her overtired?)  or trying earlier than usual, so that she *wouldn't* be overtired (but then, was she just getting bored in her crib?)

And like, some days, I'd really try to tire her out with lots of outside time or errands or STUFF. And it would make 0 difference.

I even asked one of my moms groups on FB, "When did your kid drop the nap?" And I got so much advice -- from people telling me she might be done with the crib and I should consider moving her to a big-girl bed, or dropping around age 2 is totally normal, or totally ridiculous advice ... argh. It made my head spin. Also, I just read somewhere that kids typically don't drop the nap before 2 -- and sometimes maintain it until age 4 or 5! K, I'm totally not expecting her to last that long, but like, through the next year or so, probably? Right?

Also, I'm not being crazy. She's not ready to drop the nap -- if she hasn't taken one that day, usually 6 p.m. rolls around and she's completely miserable. But she fights it and fights it and I half think she's just testing her limits/my sanity. Her eyes are all heavy when I put her down and I have no idea why she doesn't go tf to sleep. If she had quiet time in her room and came out refreshed and recharged for the second half of the day, it would be one thing.

But this is not that.

Anyway, all of a sudden, James switched the game by putting her down without her gang of "fwens." (Friends are Elmo, Abby, Dragon, sometimes Bunny, Nuts and Poppy. All are known to go everywhere with her). James mid-week was like, "Just Blue today!" And guess who was down within 10 minutes? I swear, she'd been napping the past few weeks like, on rare occasion, but it was taking 45 minutes or so for her to pass out. And without her lovies just recently, she was OUT. This has been the case for the past few days, so ... maybe it's too soon to call it a pattern. But we're back to napping, and that's what counts! I will honestly take every last day I can get. Also because I have this cold that just won't quit. I need her to rest so I can rest! (Selfish).

Also we gave her a pillow.

Speaking of big-girl bed talk, did I mention last month that I got her a bed? Just the frame because it was cheap, exactly what I wanted and for sale on FB. I'd been kindddd of debating the move, until I happened upon a thread online that basically said, "Oh, your kid still sleeps well in the crib? Why F with it then?" and that really resonated with me. Nothing is broken -- fingers crossed -- so why am I trying to fix a problem that doesn't yet exist?

I am now thinking about a potty in the downstairs. I even bought one at Walmart; who even knows why. I haven't set it up yet. I was thinking instead of pushing it or going right into potty training, she could get used to seeing it around the house first. You know what I mean? It could become a little more top of mind. She does often tell me when she's wet or when she's pooped, and likes watching me pee.

We're still happy in diapers -- will totally do this on her schedule. And she still sleeps like a boss at night, nap or no nap, so honestly, those are the two things that matter most, right, with all these transitions floating around?

Hi boo!

I know I always say, "this is my favorite age!" every month ...

And it's occurred to me that maybe I should take a month off, because Anz can pose quite a few challenges lately ... but honestly, NAH. "What sound does a horsey make, Ana?" ... "Nahhhhh!"

Here is a list of reasons why going-on-2 is worth it:

1.) She says, "I love you!" and gives me the happiest, wettest kisses. Every day.
2.) She runs around the house looking for me, going, "Mommy? MOMMY? MAMA?" I swear, her eyes pop open some mornings and she must say, "MOMMY!" as one of her first thoughts, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
3.) When we drive to RO on Tuesdays, we make these silly noises at each other and she ends up laughing so hard she probably pees.
4.) She tries to make me laugh (and succeeds) and loves it.
5.) Her personality is bigger and brighter than ever.
6.) She brings me books (well, this is not new), but *truly* seems to absorb them -- repeating after me on occasion, trying to recite all the colors on each page, taking in new words, and reacting in the best ways possible. "See Ana? They just didn't recognize Daffodil with his fancy new haircut." ... "Ohhhhh!" she'll say with a knowing smile.
7.) She's excited about learning and is really trying to impress me -- see #6 -- or even just by carrying something heavy. She's so proud of herself and loves a good challenge.
8.) Her curiosity about the world is just ... there are no words. Babies are fascinating. She is fascinating. I love watching her take it all in. She makes connections so fast these days and just wants to know everything!
9.) The way she uses her new words.
10.) Her silly dances (that look like mine), like to my alarm clock song (Chandelier by Sia). I swear she's my mini!
11.) Her singing! Tell me you've seen the Snapchats.
12.) SHE IS CUTER THAN EVER, I DON'T EVEN CARE IF YOU REFUSE ALL FAMILY PICTURES OR NEVER GO TO (EXPENSIVE AF) SWIM CLASS AGAIN.

Anyway, I try not to glamorize each age -- or make it look too easy or too hard. I assume everyone has different experiences along the way, and these are just ours.

There was a day last week when Anz wouldn't nap, and Lord I NEEDED it and I think I cried (like, not active tears, but def welled up from exhaustion). And I was all, "Why are we having ANOTHER BABY, I WILL NEVER SURVIVE!"

But we will. I caught up on sleep that night. Everything is a stage and nothing lasts. Hopefully the nap fight can be a distant memory soon enough.

I'll wrap up with some loves + hates and we can call it a day, until like, next week when my month 22 blog is due.  ;)

Ana loves:
Mommy + daddy
OUSSIDE
Her lovies (Po, Elmo, Abby, bunny, Nuts, Poppy and Roger the dragon are in the main gang)
Meese + Bob
Breaddddddd (please sing that word like Oprah)
Everything and everyone in the morning
The water, as long as she doesn't have to participate in that swim class for BABIES
Standing during baths
When I say, "Who's naughty?"
Fruit snacks <--- (bad mom)
Milk in the milk cup, juice in the juice cup and water in the water cup SO HELP HER GOD.

Ana hates:
A new random food every day (might be something she LOVED the day before)
Getting her shoes put on: "SHOES FEET TOES OUCH NO!" (Yes, they fit just fine).
When I do her hair
Naptime, most days
Being asked by strangers to do literally anything
Going with the flow
Restaurants
Patience
When I make myself a bowl of cereal (even if we share bites). "No, no, nooooo mama!"
When a cup is in the dishwasher and I have to put water in the milk sippie, SO HELP HER GOD.

Until next time!

When nursing falls apart.

Otherwise known as, our experience nursing.

Tiny babes!

I've never been one to make a really specific plan -- about anything in life. I mean, why bother? Everyone knows the best-laid plans often fall apart. I kind of like to have a loose idea in my head re: how something will play out (my week, a family vacation, what we'll do for dinners in the next few days) and then I just do my best to make it all happen, or kind of let the pieces fall as they may.

So when my midwife in California started bugging me about creating a birth plan, or asking why I hadn't turned mine in yet, I was kind of lol about it. "I don't know, can't the plan just be, 'Have the baby at some point?'" I'd joke with James -- (and I think I actually asked midwife Carol this very question, if memory serves me correctly). Oh, and for whatever it's worth, they definitely badgered me into filling out the damn sheet. I kind of filled it out how I just explained:

Q: "What do you have in mind for pain management?"
A: "Um, we'll see how it goes. I'm not against an epidural but I don't want to plan on one, either. TBD!"

For real, the nurses were probably like, "Cool. This is in no way helpful."

Anyway, I didn't have a birth plan, I didn't really read pregnancy books, but I did have a loose idea in my head about how this should all play out. And about how labor and delivery might go, and about how things would operate once the baby arrived. I mean, it's hard to plan, because you have no idea what kind of shit storm you're about to get hit with, but I was like, "Oh yeah, OF COURSE I'll nurse. Duh. Why wouldn't I?"

I'm not really *crunchy* crunchy. I mean, I don't make my own kombucha like some of the girls in my Crunchy Moms Facebook group, I don't own my own chickens, I definitely believe in vaccinating and strongly believe that the top solution for teething is a healthy dose of baby ibuprofen. But I've always considered myself like, 25-35% crunchy just based on the fact that like, when it comes to parenting, I like to do things organically (meaning, on their own, not "feeding my daughter organic food only)." I'm into attachment parenting, baby-wearing, baby-led weaning and only washing my own hair twice a week or so. I used to practice bikram yoga religiously and I'd rather shop local. Etc. Little stuff like that.

So safe to say, nursing definitely fell in line with my plans. I wasn't against formula, but I didn't love the idea of giving my baby formula so early on, when she could just get it straight from the tap, for free. Plus, the bonding! And the fact that we didn't want to introduce new proteins too early on (in fear of Ana developing James' Type 1 diabetes). So yeah, the way I saw it, I was a naturally boss pregnant lady. I had a pretty smooth L&D, all things considered, and I thought breastfeeding would be the most natural thing in the world for us. I had taken the classes at Kaiser, I was equipped with the names and numbers of several private lactation consultants if all else failed, and I was ready to go.

Here's how it actually went down:

Ana was born and immediately did the baby-crawl right on up to the boob. Well, we gave her a little boost toward the end, propping her into position, and she nursed *right* away. Like, I'm saying we didn't even wipe her down first. No one weighed her or bathed her or did anything you see on TV. We did the delayed cord-clamping, James finally cut it, she nursed while I rubbed the vernix into her skin and it was love at first snuggles. She latched right away and her first nursing sesh lasted probably 20 minutes or so. I didn't even feel the pain; if there was any, I was just so elated to have my baby girl out in the world and on my chest.

We nursed the entire time at the hospital with no problem. Lactation specialists stopped by my room constantly on their rounds, and everyone said we were old pros. We passed all our tests, she was feeding around the clock and we got discharged VERY quickly. I labored through one night, stayed one additional for monitoring, and then we were outta there. The hospital photographer hadn't even had a chance to swing by yet.

Once we got home, Ana and I were cluster-feeding just like the name implies: around the clock. I was glad, because the latch still seemed good and she was a pretty happy baby, but after about a week or so, I started to get suspicious. She hadn't pooped, which made me question how much milk she was actually getting. And then more and more, I'd notice how she'd sit at the boob all day, pissed when I'd try to end a nursing sesh early ... but she wasn't really drinking too productively. Or she'd just fall asleep there. Also, I understand that the concept of cluster-feeding is honestly CONSTANT nursing, but she just never seemed to be satisfied. My mom would be all, "But you nurse and then you put her down, right?" Wrong. She was honestly nursing 22 of 24 hours in a day. We would just sit there in the rocker and she'd sip-sip. Still, it never seemed to be enough.

No idea why I'm smiling here; I probably feel like true garbage.

She nursed while I slept on my side, just in a desperate attempt to get ANY shut-eye. And again, without any #2s, I was like, " ... does this mean she's not getting enough?" All my concerns kicked off a solid week, or 10 days or so, of constant trips to Kaiser to meet with an LC. We generally saw the same woman, and she was pretty good. She recommended some new strategies, helped me keep Ana focused on the task at hand and kept us in the BF game for a bit longer. But she would weigh Ana too, and my suspicions were confirmed: Ana didn't seem to be getting enough. Newborns are expected to lose a little weight after they're born, but they eventually re-gain. Ana was losing weight too quickly, and NOT re-gaining. The LC suspected it was palate problems on Ana's end, meaning perhaps my breast didn't line up with her high palate, or maybe she really was just an unproductive eater, which is totally a thing, or maybe I wasn't producing enough.

This launched me into a crazy spiral of trying to make more milk. I started downing normal water, coconut water, special teas, more food, Fenugreek tablets, lactation cookies, you name it. Nothing really worked, with the only exception being an absolute VAT of water. The problem was, I really only had about a week with James' help at our apartment. We had no family in California at the time. I had a really hard time keeping myself constantly fed and hydrated when Ana would SCREAM bloody murder any time I tried to put her down for a sec. I couldn't even pee. It was next-level. We'd just lie around and sleep and nurse all day. I was starving and usually thirsty and I knew none of this was helping. I stopped just short of taking Reglan, a drug prescribed by my midwife, mostly because the side-effects were drowsiness and depression. I was already tired af, and although NOT depressed, I just thought post-partum wasn't a good time to chance my odds. When the LC suggested pumping after each nursing session, and then feeding Ana the pumped milk to supplement, I knew we had to give it a shot.

And it worked!

I finally saw my baby truly relaxxxx for the first time in her short life. She was pretty happy in general, all things considered, but like I mentioned earlier: She wanted to be connected to the breast 24/7. If I put her down, she was tense and angry and rooting. Anytime someone else held her, she'd go for the boob. Embarrassing.

But once I finally nursed her and THEN gave her a pumped bottle, she just like, melted into my arms. I think I was even able to set her down and make myself a sandwich. It was a really incredible feeling. "Oh THAT'S how it's supposed to work," I thought to myself.

Sleeping, relaxed baby! Finally.

So, the bummer part was, that became my life for the next few weeks. Feed her, pump, give a bottle. Feed her, pump, give a bottle. What I'm saying is, she seemed more satisfied finally, and she FINALLY started putting on weight (thank God), but this feeding business was still taking up 22 of 24 hours in the day. I'm probably exaggerating this time, but not by much. It was my full-time job, times seven. And we had to move across the country by car. I knew I wouldn't have time, or be able to get Ana out of the car seat for all the nursing AND pumping. Oh, and it was around this time too, Christmas Day actually, when I developed an infected milk duct. This wasn't mastitis (which also sounds shitty). This felt like lightning bolts IN MY BOOB whenever Ana latched, or whenever I pumped, or whenever I even experienced minor letdown (I didn't let down much, probably hence the low-supply issue).

Anyway, I just remember sobbing to the woman on the on-call nurse line at 4 a.m. on Christmas Day, asking when the pain would stop, or what I could do. Also my parents were flying into Oakland to help us pack up and start the journey home to Michigan. I knew I needed a solution. So basically, the next day, James picked up some prescriptions for me. I then moved to exclusive pumping and then THAT became my life for the next six months.

I pumped four to eight times a day, every three hours or so, and even set alarms on my phone to wake up and do it. I had days and weeks when I was like, "Shit, I really *do* have low supply." I'd cry when I'd only get like, 2 ounces total out of a 20-minute session. But then I'd chug water like it was Natty Light in 2007, and wake up and get 10 ounces. I was proud to say Ana drank mostly breastmilk until she was about 8 months old. At some point, I wasn't making enough to fulfill her entire diet, and we had to start supplementing with formula. But I was just of the mentality, "If this is what she needs -- or what WE need, then so be it. Our sanity is important, too." Also, I felt good about the fact that Ana was always drinking probably 75% pumped milk, and again, I'd only resort to making a bottle when we were absolutely out of fridge-stash. She burned through that stuff FAST though! I was always jealous of FB moms with deep-freezers full of milk. That was not us.

Giving a bottle to Little Miss Minnie Mouse.

And then at some point, I think we were out of town, and I had been pumping less and less toward the end of our road ... I just kind of dried up. Well, I dried myself up, I should say. I swear, I had like, three pumping sessions where I couldn't get much out. By that point, I had come to terms with the fact that I had a growing baby, I couldn't just leave her in the Rock n Play anymore 4-8x a day, and I'd have to be finished soon anyway. I had burned through two pumps, a million accessories and parts, and I was so sick of it all. I was tired of feeling glued to the stupid thing. I just felt done. I also felt a teeny bit selfish? But I honestly think like, I did what I could. For the majority of Ana's first year, I sacrificed sleep, sanity, drinks, plans ... and I was no longer scared of the formula: Kaiser breastfeeding classes be damned.

Maybe the situation would have been different, if it weren't for a cross-country move or whatever, but I was sick of beating myself up about it. (Oh, and I did. Seems silly in hindsight, but like I said, post-partum is an emotionally fragile time).

Just to see my baby satisfied, even with formula, was very fulfilling. She seemed to like it just as much as my milk. If anything, her poops were more consistent (sorry TMI) on it, too. She's still never to this day gotten sick -- knock on wood -- so I don't want to hear anything about how I weakened her immune system (lol). And it's really not as expensive as everyone makes it out to be. Sure, I probably saved loads of cash by pumping as much as I did, but like, if you just buy the yellow can from Costco, that thing is less than $20 and lasts foreverrrrrr.

(If you're used to constant dinners out and dranks, which our old life afforded, the cost is really NBD).

Anyway, Ana is 21 months now. She is strong, happier than ever, healthy and smart. I remember crying in bed at our old apartment, feeling like I was failing on such a basic level: I couldn't even provide enough milk to sustain my precious baby. Everything else went so well, but I failed at this. I recall thinking that if I had to give her a bottle, I'd die. Of embarrassment, of let-down expectations ... oh, and plus, when you're post-partum, you're usually a little crazy (I think I've said that a few different ways now). I didn't experience depression, but my feelings were just like, amplified. Hard to explain! I was tearing up left and right and couldn't even keep my shit together. But now I look back and I'm just like, "Why were you so scared of the formula again?"

All the painful nipple stuff didn't even stack up to my bruised emotions (and yes. The nipps burn).

Anyway, the moral of the story is, things don't always go as planned, WHICH I KNEW, yet I was still heartbroken and I went through this roller-coaster ride of pump sessions for the next 6-8 months to make up for it. If you have to give a bottle, just know that it's going to be fine. All our moms were formula-fed; it was a thing. Oh, and happy mama = happy baby? Truer words have honestly never been spoken. And once I was able to detach myself from the pump and play with my sweet daughter even more ... I swear, it made me feel like a happier and better mom instantly.

Your worth as a mom does NOT hinge on how you feed your baby.

I'll leave you with some of the lessons I learned along the way:

1.) Latch isn't everything.
People always want to ask about latch, or act like this sets the stage for all else. I even thought this was the big pass or fail on breastfeeding: whether the baby had a strong latch. Ana could latch like a champion, but then we still had 99 probz. Tongue-tie is a thing, palate issues are all too real, milk production ... the list probably goes ON and on. But don't assume you're out of the woods if your kid can latch.

2.) Breastfeeding is a full-time job. Or two or three full-time jobs.
Don't expect to just nurse and put her down (even under best-case scenario). Cluster-feeding is intense af and in those first few weeks, they are hungryyyy.

3.) The more you nurse or pump, the more milk you'll make.
I read this everywhere and it was pretty true. It's why I pumped so much. Even when I didn't yield much, it was still important to tell my body that it was needed. (It's a supply and demand thing).

4.) You can still bond with your baby while giving him a bottle.
Make plenty of eye contact. Sing songs, read if you're on a surface that allows that, give plenty of cuddles and make it a shared experience. I swear, when I was struggling through nursing sessions (or when I had my infected duct and couldn't even open my eyes through the pain), we were NOT bonding. I swear you can bond just as much through the bottle or the breast.

5.) Listen to your gut.
Speaking of that infected duct, my midwife was like, "Yeah yeah whatever, get her back on the breast ASAP. No matter what/at all costs/I don't care if you die." K maybe not that last part, but it sure felt like it! Honestly, I was already reading up on exclusive pumping and supplementing with formula by that point. My gut was telling me it was what we needed at that time in our lives, I trusted it, and I have no regrets. You have a mom instinct too, and you should lean on it. You know best what would work for you two.

6.) If you honestly think nursing sounds horrible and it's not for you, then don't do it.
Obviously this is just my opinion, but I've spoken with a fair number of moms over the past two years or so who are uncomfortable with it for whatever reason. Do you, mamas. And speaking of which ...

7.) Just never read the comments section on any mom posts/FB shit/etc.
Fed is best. Remember that. No one else is living your life.

8.) Expect nursing to be hard, and you might have complications, but you also might not.
I think I expected it to be too easy. And on the flip side, I think you hear a fair amount about how challenging it can be. But like, my cousin nurses her daughter like a champion, has never really had a complication, and makes a ton of milk. Same with this girl whose blog I stalk. For some people, it's just easier. Who knows why. Drink those fluids, don't be afraid to call for help and get after it!

9.) Beer doesn't always help.
I read somewhere that if you have weak supply, drinking a beer can prevent you from letting down all the way. Now, who knows. I know beer has some good ingredients for you when you're nursing (in moderation, of course). But for me, beer didn't make a diff -- 2007 Natty Lights be damned. SHRUG.

10.) Just because it went poorly with one kid, doesn't mean it will next time.
So, fingers crossed for baby #2! I will drink all the water in the world and stock up on healthy snacks ... because ain't nobody got time to chase a crazy toddler and pump around the clock. That just won't be happening this time around.

11.) Nursing can make you CRAZY HUNGRY.
I swear, I've never been hungrier.

12.) But if you hold onto a little extra weight, that's totally normal.
That's evolution, I guess.

13.) Although I've kind of touched on this, don't compare yourself to others.
Sure, maybe some other mom CAN nurse without as many problems, but again, none of this is a reflection on how good of a mom you are. You probably have something she doesn't, just like she has something you don't. It's all a balancing act.

14.) You can totally still have cocktails.
This is why they make those test strips. Also, less alcohol is absorbed in your milk than you'd imagine.

15.) Not everything is so black/white.
I remember when my LC suggested supplementing with my own milk. "People do that?" I asked. ... I was definitely naive as to what my options were. I thought it was BF *or* formula-feeding, and I hadn't even really considered a combo, when the concept was first introduced. We need to talk more, as women and moms, about our options and what works best in different situations.

There you are: A way-too-long post on nursing! I hope you all have way better luck than I did, or at least, if you're having a shitty time, you can rest easy knowing we did, too.  ;)  You are NOT alone.

20 months!

Welcome to the 20-month post! Let's dive in, because we have a lot to share!

Happy little bug!

So, I honestly just got back from hanging with Analisa for a bit before our sitter Emily showed up.

Here's a sample "conversation" I had with Ana, upon hearing her chatting with herself and slowly waking up from a nap:

"Hi Ana! How was your sleep?"
"MAMA!"
"You are such a big girl. Did you have a poopy? Kind of smells like it." <--- (sorry if TMI)
"Poopy! Yesh. Dada?"
"Dada just left for work. He loved spending the morning with you. You'll see him later!"
"Oh no, oh NO."
"Sorry, bear!"
"Emmy?"
"Emily is coming over any minute."
"Emmy soon?"
"Very soon! Wanna go have some lunch? I was thinking yogurt and a peanut butter and jelly."
"Yesh. JUICE."
"We'll get some juice too! Let's go change your diaper, find your sippie cup and grab lunch."

See you guys? She's a real, tiny human! Who has little chats with me! Where's my clapping emoji?

You might want to sit down for this next tale. Because it is so cute you will die.

On July 30 -- yes, I wrote down the date and some details from this event in my iPhone Notes because of its sheer adorability -- James, Ana and I were hanging on our front porch. I was blowing bubbles out of a little container for Ana, she was chasing them and yelling "POP" every time she snagged one, and James was just kind of standing by, tickling her and loving on her, per usual.

The next thing I knew, James and I were lost in a conversation, and I had stopped blowing bubbles for a minute. And then, out of nowhere, I felt this warm, tiny body squeezing me from behind -- and you'll laugh, actually. Because I had no idea who it was! My brain was like, "Do we have a creepy neighbor? Are Candace and Natalie surprising me? What in the whatttt?" And then I heard this ridiculous little giggle and I knew it was her: Ana! She had snuck up behind me and surprised me with the biggest bear hug she could manage. I was almost crying tears of joy once I realized, I was so happy! Like, how did she know to do that? She's getting more and more affectionate every day, but a surprise hug? OMG, I was dying. I couldn't stop smiling and talking about it the rest of the night. James, who was facing Ana at the time, said he saw the entire thing unfold, and it was one of the cutest moments he'd ever witnessed, to see Ana all proud of herself, and to see the look on my face as I realized the surprise hugger was in fact my baby. AH I'm tearing up again, just typing it out. What a little love bug! Between this and the kisses she volunteers all on her own ... I'm dead.

Baby face

What else? She has been singing up an absolute storm. If she's starting to fuss in the car, I'll just start in on the Itsy Bitsy Spider; the ABCs; Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes; Old McDonald; or A Bushel and a Peck. She'll join me in no time and she's actually pretty solid at the words!

We're still into the Children's Museum. Our summer pass is about to expire at the end of the month, but I'll probably renew for the rest of the year. It's such a good place for toddlers! It's way smaller than like, the Rochester, NY children's museum -- but everything is accessible and perfectly sized for a current-day bear. I'm sure she'll grow out of it at some point, but that point is not today ... and it's not even soon, tbh. We finally explored the outdoor area last week and it was really fun!

My fun girl

James and I did a pretty random thing and we went to Chicago two or three weekends ago. It was the perfect trip. He'd never been there, and I had these Southwest points that were about to expire, and I had enough points for 2 (basically free) roundtrip flights. I wanted to fly out of Flint, as I hear that airport is lowwww traffic and it's also right by our house, but they only had like, two flights offered on the Saturday that we needed, and they were both set too late in the day. So we used DTW, like usual. There wasn't much difference in the air! The flight was just under an hour, and although some might call it a waste, we only wanted to leave Ana for a quick overnight. I thought it was worth our time, NOT to be stuck in a car for 10-12 hours roundtrip.

James and I stayed at a Hyatt in the Loop, ate at some seriously delicious restaurants, walked until our shins hurt (was that just me? I'm never in appropriate shoes), did a little shopping, stopped by a few touristy spots but also hit up some of the other neighbs ... it was perfect. Outside of the fact that we're old people now and we were in bed EARLY -- hey, didn't bug me, actually -- it was honestly the most laid-back, fun trip. We just did whatever we felt like; had 0 plans and I ate the best avocado toast of my life before our flight back.

Oh and we really need Zara in this area. I realize it's like, a worldwide store, but we don't have one ... do we? Well, I know the Flint area sure doesn't. We don't even have f'ing Costco. Maybe Detroit has Zara? Although I can't picture it at Somerset or Great Lakes. I honestly could have spent $500 in there on Ana clothes (a conservative estimate). James is really good in times like those -- for example, I really wanted to get her this little sweater, it was kind of elderly looking, but what's cuter than a baby dressed like a grandma? (Nothing).

James was all, "Put that down. I'm raising a baby, not a 70-year-old widow with cats." lololol. I made it out of there with baby jeggings, a little boho top and a cashmere-type sweater. TFG it wasn't worse.

Ana had a great time with Grandbob and Grandma Leese (who are lately named just "Bob" and "Meese.") It's so funny how much she loves my dad. I mean, she loves both of my parents, obviously, but it's my mom who follows her around every Tuesday and does EVERYTHING with her. My dad will read to her or play for a bit, but usually, he's like, at work or tending to the puppy or winding down upstairs or off somewhere. I guess Ana fell outside and scraped her knee while we were on the Chicago trip, and she just needed her three sources of comfort. "Milkkkk?! Bluuuuue?! (Her blue blanket). BOBBB?!"

She'll just randomly try to find him around our house on like, a random Thursday. She'll run into the living room, like, "Bobbbb?" We went up north and she was peeking in doorways, checking out our rental, asking for him. It was the funniest/cutest. As if we're just hiding my dad in a closet.

"Bobbbb?"

Let's talk about BLUE, who I've probably mentioned a million times (yes, it's a person). Well, it's her blanket, but we use human pronouns. As in, "Blue? Where is he? Let's find him!"  I'm not sure how Blue ended up being a boy. Anyway, I finally ordered a backup! He got really dirty one afternoon and she still refused to sleep without him. So I just thought, enough is enough. Our wash cycles take forever and we need a plan B. So I got another on Amazon and holy shit, totally forgot how soft the OG Blue is -- and big! I swear, new Blue is four or five times bigger than the old. Does bamboo material continue to shrink, whereas even 100% cotton will just shrink the one time? Man. Old Blue is like a cloth napkin compared to New Blue. Ana definitely knows something is up, but will accept New Blue as one of her own. I just try to keep one always clean and hiding, so we can pull it out in case of an emergency. I think all hell will break loose if she finds out there are two Blues. Andddd this is what we're dealing with right now, with a 20-month-old :)

Up north -- this pic will make sense soon : )

Anyway, the one weekend James and I were in Chicago, and then next, all three of us headed up north for a long weekend. It was perfect actually! We went up to the Tawas/Oscoda area, which is where my extended family and I vacationed growing up. We used to rent out these A-frames right on Lake Huron, and I have SO many fun memories, summer after summer, of playing on the sandy beaches with my cousins, collecting caterpillars (what a monster), begging to go downtown (for the candy shop AND Marion's ice cream), etc. It was like a blast from the past to return. A lot had changed, but ... a lot HADN'T changed. It seemed like some things were like, frozen in time.

It was the principal at my mom's school actually, who had reserved a rental and she and her husband couldn't make the dates work. I guess she had posted it on Facebook, trying to see if anyone wanted to take over the cabin, just like, a Saturday through Tuesday-type deal, and my mom knew we had been looking for one final summer trip. We knew we wanted Michigan, something far enough but not too far, and this was ideal. It was probably only two hours from our house actually, which ... doesn't even seem far enough north to be considered "up north!" But with a baby bear who's getting more and more fidgety in the car, honestly, the drive was awesome. She slept on the way there but not so much on the way back, but such is life, I suppose.

Anyway, as I was checking in and grabbing the keys from the front office, as in, right when we pulled in for our trip, James was all, "Ana really wants to go in the water. She's obsessed with the idea." I said something like, "Well, I packed about 97 outfits for her. I don't care if she gets kinda wet splashing around in those clothes -- just let her in." OMG you guys. I walked down to the beach after getting check-in situated, and I was not expecting it: Ana was SOAKED, like, head to toe, the waves were crashing in as if we were at the ocean, and she was just loving every second of it. James said as soon as we basically gave her the all-clear, she marched from the car/office area directly into Lake Huron. Fully clothed, not giving one F that she's a tiny human and the lake was massive and roaring.

She was getting doused by the waves, but just like, shrieking out in delight, loving life. I thought I was recording the whole thing on Snapchat, but the sun was so bright, I guess I just ... wasn't? Haha I went to check my Story later and I think the glare was so strong; my thumb must have been holding down a random screen instead the the record button. Sad face! It was the cutest sequence.

Luckily, there was a lottttt more cuteness to capture in the coming days!

Like this gem.

My parents came up for a few hours on Sunday. James and I went downtown Tawas once or twice and I stumbled upon the bestttttt baby store -- like, honestly, one of the cutest shops I've ever found, like ANYWHERE, not just by Northern Michigan standards. Nearly everything was handmade, they had so many cute and unique brands, I was just like, in heaven. Also they had a bomb children's section, like with toys and games and stuff for Ana to entertain herself with, so she and James played the entire time I shopped (which was a while, tbh). Just like Zara, I could have easily spent $500. I didn't. This was another one of those times when I was a little relieved that I don't know the sex on baby #2! I swear, if I knew we had another girl coming, or our first boy, I would have gone 10x more HAM. Anyway, I walked out with a magnetic onesie (isn't that genius? Won't irritate the umbilical cord, easy for overnight changes!), a really cute woodsy onesie for when (s)he's a little older, a suctions-to-the-table placemat for Ana, new stubby silverware for Ana (why are all the spoons at Target soooo long?), a little something for a pregnant friend, and a cute af hair clip for Ana's second birthday. Not horrible, right? (No one guess my total).

Oh and it was really funny in that store how much Ana liked this one baby. I think it was the owner's baby ... but she kept pointing and saying in awe/delight, "BEEBEE!" (as if she's some older kid. That baby wasn't even all that much younger than Anz).

Oh OH and my final aside: For that magnetic onesie I bought, I was debating between pink, light blue and gray. Usually I'd just go gray; I don't even like the cliche pink/blue stuff all that much -- hence, one of the reasons I've chosen now both times around NOT to learn the sex. But the gray onesie was like ... almost black in this case, and I wasn't loving it. I was feeling odd about committing us to pink, especially in NB size, but the light blue felt really warm and gender-neutralISH, if you know what I mean. I asked James, "I could put new baby in a blue onesie, right? Like, even if she's a girl? Ana wore plenty of light blue!" James was like, "Um, yeah. Ana wears Michael Jordan T-shirts." (True story. "You can put new baby in whatever." <--- Agree! I did get some comments early on, "He's so handsome!" ... "Actually, she's a little girl." ... "Then why would you have her in a BLUE blanket?", but they've been few and far between. So ridic, right?

Lala and Po = BFFs

The rest of the trip can be summed up like this: Ana stole James' massive ice cream cone and wouldn't give it back (tell me you saw the Snapchat), she woke up honestly EVERY morning and said, "Outside? (Bathing) suit?"  and then ran into the water, despite our mornings starting out at 58 degrees, cloudy and windy -- so, brrr -- and thennnnn we had Sunday night. That was the best! Ana just wanted to stand at the break-wall in front of our cabin, which was getting pounded with waves. Like, there is no way for me to exaggerate how rough it was, out on the water. These waves would come to shore, hit the wall and just rainnnnnn cold water down on us. It was just the two of us out there for a bit, and we got soaked. Ana loved it. I was freezing and scared that my phone was ruined. James took over at one point and then Ana just wanted to burrow her little body into the sand. The whole trip was a bit of a sandy nightmare for James, tbh. Although he kept saying, "Honestly, whatever. As long as it's not our house!"

And I wouldn't exactly call the trip relaxing. One night we were just like, watching the clock from 5p until bedtime. Another night we crashed as soon as the bear was in bed (like, at 9:00). Haha it was quite the experience, though.

I'd say, "Ana, the waves!" And she'd wave at them. She was kind of a disaster at this Mexican restaurant. We ate hot dogs on the grill the rest of the trip. But like, #memories. She is just this ball of personality and love and words and happiness. I can't even express how much I love being her mom.

Fake smile ;)

Every time that she's just like, "I know!" or "I don't know!" or "I see YOU!", I just melt. We had two car rides this past weekend, to my parents' and back, where we hosted a little girlfriends get together + our babies, and Ana was just the happiest bug. OK, a little shy at the actual playdate, per usual. But the entire drive there and back, she just wanted to giggle with me, sing, kick her feet up, get my attention and tell me stories. And then even last night before bed, she wouldn't stop pinching my cheeks and saying "SHEEEEKS! MAMA!" and giving me kisses. It's usually our wind-down time, to have a sippie and watch a little Sesame Street/Daniel T, but we were laughing until we couldn't even look at each other. She could not even catch her breath. I didn't want to put her down, despite the fact that I wasn't feeling well and was pretty exhausted. She is worth every moment. I don't know how we got so lucky.

SHE is such a little mama. Grandma Leese got her a purse recently, and she'll just walk around their house wearing it, putting her babies night-night. I can't even. Speaking of nigh-nigh, that little regression I mentioned last time is a thing of the past (knock on wood). We just had a weird 2-ish weeks and she went back to normal. Well, we may have shifted the nap back by a half-hour or an hour ... but she's not dropping it anytime soon! And she stopped fighting it. Praise the lord!

OMG we (OK, *I*) killed a bug this morning after she tipped me off to its locay in the living room. It was a creepy little guy. Ana was all, "Bug! Bug!" and I squashed him with a paper towel. She was a bundle of emotion. "Oh no! Sorry! Sorry! Bye!" lololol. Do I apologize when I kill bugs? Where did she get that?

K, I have to wrap up at some point.

Our news!

So finally: The thing that finally came up this entry but I haven't really ADDRESSED addressed -- the pregnancy! We're expecting Baby #2 in January. I'll maybe do a longer entry about it soon, but here are some quickie notes:

--I'll be 21 weeks on Thursday.
--Not really showing unless I wear skin-tight clothes or you catch me from the side.
--I'm not sick, never have been (not this pregnancy or last). Not even nauseated.
--Was overwhelmingly tired during the first trimester, but that's pretty much it.
--I've had a couple food aversions, but I'm not as picky as I was with Ana (when I think I lost 15-20 pounds out the gate? I was probably only down 10 at the most, this time around).
--We're not finding out the sex (obvs). We have some finalists for names already but we won't be sharing. Ha sorry!
--My placenta is low, which is a long story but mostly nbd, but cross your fingers it self-corrects!

K, longer entry on all that is coming.

Next time we'll talk about: Potty training (could she be getting closer to ready? She's certainly showing signs. I do NOT want to rush it, but my mom and aunt suggested just setting up a little potty in a corner somewhere downstairs, so that she knows it's coming).

And her big-girl bed! I bought a frame off someone online and we're debating when to set it up. I'm not sure she'll ever be able to climb out of her crib, just based on how it's set up, so ... we'll likely pull the trigger before we get to that point. Maybe the next few months. But parents of older children will have to tell me all the things: How do you convince them to stay in there? If she's mad, won't she just ... crawl out of it? Or will I find her in a random corner? lol #sendhelp.

Cutest face you've ever seen?

19 months!

Developmentally, Ana has had a HUGE month!

I don't even think I'll be able to continue updating her word list after this time around. She just knows too many and I can't keep up. But just to do it one last time, I'll add a handful more:

-- Hot dog
-- Green beans
-- Juice (dooce!)
-- Shoes
-- Socks
-- Neck
-- Blue (boo)
-- Meow
-- Roar
-- Nahhhh (lol this is what she says when you ask, "What sound does a horse make?" ... instead of neigh)
-- Abby! (her favorite character on Sesame Street)
-- Duck
-- Pizza
-- Bubbas! (Meaning Bubble Guppies ... groan; must wean her off this)
-- TV (double groan)
-- I don't know! <--- yes, used appropriately, and yes, the full phrase. Kills me
-- Grandbob (Bob-bob)
-- Ball
-- Outside ('side!)
-- Open
-- Soon
-- Later
-- More
-- Up
-- Down
-- Egg
-- Beep beep
--Applesauce
-- Peach
-- Eat
-- Milk
-- Minnie!
-- Emily (Emmy) -- she's been saying this for awhile, but I forget if it made the list officially yet
-- Baby (bee-bee!)
-- Hop hop hop (if she sees a bunny)
-- Shhhh!
-- Waffle
-- Phone
-- Knee
-- Toes
-- All done
-- I know
-- I see you!
-- Banana ('mina)
-- Analisa (Ahh-yisa!)

There are probably a bunch more I'm forgetting!

Talker girl.

It's so crazy how much she soaks in. (Add that to the list of, "shit I say every month"). But for example, I bought a gajillion peaches from the farmers market a couple weekends ago, and I swear, Ana hadn't even had, or seen, a peach since last summer. But she spotted one on the counter one morning and said clear as day, "PEACH." No prompting. Just "peach."

OK.

James and I were all, "But how did you know that?!"

It's so hard not to repeat back the mispronunciations. I always have to say in my head, "With Ana, continue to call them BANANAS," even though James and I will be on the phone later that night like, "Hey, will you pick up some 'minas on your way home from work? I think we're out."

Oh! And then the other day, she brought this book over to me, meaning she usually wants to read it together ... but no. She flipped it open and started reading to me! It was "Kiss Baby's Boo-Boo" by Karen Katz (a classic in our house). She was going through the pages babbling, but actually nailing some of the correct words in the right places. "Ouch!" she said right on cue. "Oh no!" "Boo-boo!" "Mama. Dada. Woof-woof!" And then at the end, she pretended to give the baby kisses and make her all better. Like, who are you and how did you get so smart? It's overnight, I tell you.

She is so silly with us, too. Always making a funny face, or shutting or rolling her eyes and seeing if we notice, or doing these long blinks or winks. I love it. We'll catch on eventually and she'll laugh and laugh.

Funny girl.

She's even getting herself dressed. Is that surreal for anyone else? I swear, MY life hasn't changed much in the past 19 months. (Well, it has I suppose. Job changes and moves and having her!) But like, in her 19 months, she has gone from being this helpless little sack of nothing to a little girl who tells me what she'd like for breakfast, and who puts on her own pants. Even if they're backward and she puts them on OVER her romper.

... No one ever said she was GOOD at getting herself dressed, but she certainly is starting to understand how it all works. She can get pants and shorts most of the way on. She still struggles with shirts and socks, but the idea is there. She is very determined and doesn't want your help. I'll tell you that for damn sure.

Oh and she's a water baby, 100%. Loves to splash-splash in the baby pool but would rather stick her face in the sprinkler. Or attempt to unscrew the sprinkler and just play with the hose. She and James will just spray the hose at each other for a half-hour straight, meanwhile, I'm over in the beach chair sippin a La Croix, like, "that looks awful, I'll just be here if anyone needs me!" She also doesn't care if it's kind of chilly out. I'm convinced she'd play in the sprinkler in 40-degree weather.

She put these on by herself!

Ana is ... a little shitty at bringing out into the world, tbh, at the moment. But who could blame her? She kinda just wants to do things her way, and ain't nobody got time for a sit-down restaurant or a quickie trip to the grocery store. We still haul her everywhere because we're determined to make her an adaptable girl -- and we don't like interrupting everyday life too TOO much -- but just this morning, I was like, "I read that outings should be capped at an hour." And James was all, "I hear that. I think we read the exact same thing." This came on the heels of a particularly harrowing grocery shopping trip where she was ONLY interested in dumping her sippie cup full of milk onto the raw meat in that section of the store. (Barf barf vom). As much as I tried to distract and redirect and tempt her with the 'minas (bananas) to get back in the cart -- the look on her fact was just like, F you, F you and F you. We carried her out of the store sideways, her bucking the entire way, and ignored the fierce judgment from our fellow shoppers. Shrugggggs.

Oh and naps kind of suck rn too. I swear, she's still such a joy overall! I mean that with total sincerity. But she's just going through a phase in life where she's staking out her independence. Nap time used to start at 11:30a, we'd walk around and say nigh-nigh to stuff, and she'd happily accept that that was part of her routine, snuggle into blue blanket and call it a day (or more accurately, a nap). Now it's like, we don't even start the process until around 1p, because she just seems too AWAKE at 11:30. And even 12:30. So we do our best to tire her out, then we start on our new night-night ritual. We make sure she'd fed, sometimes offer a book, sometimes a sippie with a show, walk around and say goodnight, then it's us vs. her sometimes for a half-hour, sometimes for two hours. Today I almost gave up. Her willpower is legit. But then we looked at the monitor and the Anz was suddenly defeated. I've never felt more victorious. Once she's down, she's still a pretty solid sleeper. Although it's true that on days when we have Emily or Sarah, she'll nap until 5. When it's just us, like on a weekday or a weekend, she'll nap for 45 minutes. Such is life, I suppose! I feel like I hear about sleep regression at this age. If I had to guess, this is that.

The blue blanket obsession is legit. Now that she can ask for him (yes, him), we're realizing she wants him around for any and all scenarios -- and we've gotta buy a backup. I am NOT even a clean freak, but I can't watch her drop him on the floor at a restaurant or roll in the dirt with him outside, then snuggle him in her crib that same night. And opportunities to sneak him away for washing are few and far between. She is SO cute when she looks up at us and goes, "Booooo?" Gosh, it happens like, 16 times a day, but she is the sweetest, and she just loves her blanks.

Anyway, anyway, what was I saying? This all stemmed from nap talk. I'm ... assuming this nap battle (similar to a rap battle) is part of a sleep regression, like I mentioned. I have faith she'll still hold onto the nap a bit longer. We're not dumping it forever, right? (Say right). Orrrrrr I'm just being optimistic!

Oh and I meant to say this too: I'm not even mad at like, no nap but quiet time in her room instead. I have a good feeling she's doing that some days. Whatever. I just ... will take whatever I can get!

Ham sandwich.

K I'll share one funny story, then tell you how she's becoming the ultimate toddler and then pass along some cousin news, and I swear we'll wrap this one up. I am so long-winded, per always.

A few Saturdays ago, James and I made this plan. We always talk about wanting to go to Eastern Market, so we figured we'd drive down to Detroit as soon as Ana woke up in the morning -- hang out there for a few hours, shop a bit, etc. Then we'd put her down for a nap at my parents' place (they were up north), and if we had enough energy, maybe tackle the zoo in the afternoon. But if Ana napped for too long, we thought we'd at least grab a bite or an ice cream cone near RO. (Detroit area food is hands-down superior to anything we have out here). Cool. Good plan, right?

Wrong. Eastern Market on a Saturday was insane. Ana did OK in her stroller for a bit, but then got obsessed with the idea of getting out and running around. So James let her. I'll admit, I was kind of overwhelmed by the idea. The situation was just like, 8 million people walking in each and every direction, with our baby bear getting lost in the crowd while one of us tried to chase her and the other navigated with the bulky stroller. I was sweating, and it kind of stopped being fun. She, however, had a blast. I am normally a pretty relaxed mom when it comes to anything ... but at some point, I just wanted to leave. So we did!

We had gotten up pretty early for Eastern Market, so James and I were looking forward to the nap at my parents'. We did our naptime ritual, gave her a sippie and put her down in her Pack n Play, which is set up in Robby's old room. She fought it at first, but after checking on her once, she finally calmed down and the noise died off. We didn't have the baby monitor with us, but we were just starting to fall asleep in my old room (which is one thin wall away) when we just heard her go CRAZY. So I got up, grabbed her, brought her in with us, and just as I was starting to do a diaper change, I saw it: Marker. Everywhere. As in, all over her body.

I went back in Robby's room and, I'm not even sure why we didn't look when we set her down for the nap, but sure enough, there was a big pack of markers on Robby's desk next to Ana's P&P. Now that she's old enough and tall enough to reach these things ... yeah. You get it. The markers happened. All over her P&P, all over her. So that's why she had been so quiet. Cool, Ana! Good work. I attempted to calm her down and clean her up a bit, but she wasn't having it. Not one bit. She was doing this really alarming cry -- not like her usual "Oh I'm just resisting the nap" crank. So we felt we had no option. We got her out and let her run around in the backyard. I figured this would wear her down a bit more, and perhaps we could attempt the nap again in an hour or so.

UGH. She immediately went in the backyard, picked up a pile of dirt, and tossed it up in the air, LeBron James style, like with the chalk. Dirt just rained down all over her head and everywhere. And then as if that weren't enough, she started like ... shampooing her hair with it. So it was caked into her hairline in no time. And then we looked up and she was just like, rolling across the grass in her white pants -- shirt up to her belly button so you could see her marker tattoos -- and this is when James and I started referring to the afternoon (or her) as Dirt McGirt 2017. We let her live it up for a bit. Her cousin Molly came over. We had lunch. We were just like, YOLO!

Until finally, James and I thought it was time for a bath and nap attempt #2. Holy SHIT, you should have seen the tub. It was the grimiest thing ever. I washed her hair, and like, a potted plant came out. We just kept laughing like, howwww did this happen? It all escalated so quickly. Luckily, the markers were washable, not permanent, so I was able to get most of her artwork off her thighs. And feet. And stomach. And arms.

Dirty bird!

We tried the nap once again and she was just doing that same panicky, alarmed cry. Like, whyyyy?

I knew she had to be exhausted.

She sleeps at my parents' all the time. I couldn't figure out what was different. She had a fan on, like usual. The room was dark. She had blue blanket. Yet she was HOWLING. By this point it was like, 5 or 6 I want to say. I was exhausted from our day. I asked James if we should just go home. Even if she would have napped, it would have been so late by the time she woke up. I was over our dinner plans. I was over ice cream (even though I wanted Ray's or Custard Cup SO BAD). So we grabbed our shit and bounced. And guess who -- the MOMENT we buckled her into her car seat -- crashed into the deepest sleep you've ever seen? Of course.

We got home, played with her for a bit and it was bedtime. Well, we confirmed that day why it's kind of impossible to plan on much with a toddler! It's so funny in hindsight, although when we were in the moment, I kind of wanted to laugh and cry all at the same time.

Speaking of toddler stuff. I've totally said before that she's been showing signs. But never like this. She'll get laser-focused on one thing: like dumping her juice out all over the carpet. And I try not to say a firm NO often, but like, this is one of those times. The redirect, the distraction ... isn't holding as much weight as it used to. So then she'll get crazy pissed. Or like, I was holding her yogurt yesterday while she spoon-fed herself (which, in and of itself was painful to watch because she wouldn't take help or suggestions). And she just did notttt want my hand on the yogurt. She just kept prying my fingers off, going, "Nope nope nope nope nope." Or when I didn't want blue blanket eating messy breakfast with her. (Lesson learned: Pick your battles). Man. She really wants to do things her way or the highway. That is a power struggle if I've ever seen one! I try to give her plenty of choices throughout the day so that she feels like she's helping run the show. But like, this toddler stuff, I can only imagine, is going to continue to progress. I'll have to revisit Dr. Jenn's book and see again what she has to say!

Still as happy as ever.

We still love her more than ever, she is SO loving and sweet, and I still swear every month "19 months is my new favorite!"  But I think I'm just preparing more and more for this wild ride of her 2s and 3s!

And last but not least: Ana has her first cousin! Her first FIRST-COUSIN, that is. Liz and Ryan had Emma (I believe) July 13, and she is the sweetest. The girls are just more than a year and a half apart, so that'll be super cute for them to kind of grow up close in age. We don't have a trip to Rochester on the books just yet, but I told Liz to keep me posted once they're ready for visitors. It can be hard in the beginning! Just knowing how much we struggled to establish breastfeeding, and then we were moving across the country ... I didn't want to get them in over their heads, with us pre-planning a trip for like, the following week or anything like that. So it'll be really fun once we go again. Can't wait to meet you, baby Emma!

OK you guys ... this was long. See you for the 20-month post!

Don't these cousins kind of remind you of one another? Emma is on the left, Ana is at right : )