22 months!

We only have a few more of these monthly updates left!

Touchdown, MSU!

Let's see where we left off ...

Ana is: Talking so well! Like, practically in mini-sentences.

"Mama singing!" she'll say if we're in the car. (Nevermind that my "singing" these days is usually like, Bodak Yellow. So, #babyappropriate is what I'm trying to say).

Or, "Ana sleep!" / "Ana bed!" she'll say if she's tired. Honestly, I've written this before, but her being able to tell us what she wants and needs -- it just makes this whole thing incredibly easy.

Also, I think I mentioned last time that her counting is like, on point. But you guys, she can basically get to 15 most days. And after that, she'll just start making up numbers. "Teen-teen!" as James says.

And this warm fall has meant the swimsuit remains in rotation! (Probably not for much longer).

Ana's sleep issues ...

Have mostly subsided. I told you I wouldn't quit! I've been tracking in the Notes section of my phone, and the past three weeks, she's gone down successfully five of the seven days. Most are without struggle, just like at bedtime, she'll turn over, shut her eyes and she's out in a few minutes. We don't hear a peep. Other days involve a little bit more of a meltdown (but tbh, she sleeps way longer and harder when she knocks herself out with a bit of a fit. Is that horrible for me to say?) and yeah ... other days she just has quiet time in her crib. Five for seven isn't bad. And I've experimented with like, "Should I wear her out more?" or "Should we run more errands?" (like in the mornings), but I feel like whether or not she's gonna nap is kind of a crapshoot at this point. What we do, doesn't so much matter. But MAN, the nap continues and we are grateful. Knock on wood always.

I had Friday off and we both went down for about three hours. It was glorious.

Also, she's been a better-than-normal sleeper in general at night. I mean, that feels unfair to say, because she's been bad ass sleeper almost since birth, but like, last night, she went down at 7:45p. Woke up at 10a, no interruptions. James and I were like, "Say whaaaaaat? THANK YOU!" Someone remind me why we're about to destroy this with Baby No. 2.  ;)

Prly because No. 1 is so cute?

We ran a little experiment ...

To see if we could switch her back to normal dairy milk. As I've mentioned in many a blog post, I don't think she has a dairy allergy; I just think normal milk is loaded with protein and it binds her up. Also, she likes it way too much. For real, she will skip all meals in favor of milk sippie cups, and she will just sip-sip ALL. Day. Long. And turn down real food. Annoying.

We've never cut dairy all the way out. Ana has always been allowed cheese and yogurt and stuff, and we've always wanted her to get her calcium in. We thought perhaps the milk obsession was just a phase. So we were all, let's reintroduce it.

I'd heard things, from people in my Facebook moms group (for those of us with constipated kids), and from at least two real-life friends, about how it can be beneficial to keep the babies on real milk, but instead of dumping in MiraLAX, to add in about a teaspoon or so of powdered probiotic. So I ordered one off Amazon made by the brand Garden of Life, just for kids.

For those of you who are unfamiliar (don't feel left out -- I was very unfamiliar at first), probiotics are kind of having a trendy moment right now in the health world. Well, it's all about "gut health." As in, "Everything starts in the gut!" Yeah, yeah ... now, I don't mean to be a naysayer. I'm sure -- like most everything -- there's some truth to the idea. So I won't say too much against it.

But I will say, we made the switch: meaning we put Anz back on regular milk, dumped the probiotics in (which are supposed to "heal" the gut and encourage healthy digestion), and we got straight F'd. Basically, and I shouldn't blame the pro-bios, but we learned Ana is just as obsessed with milk -- for real, she went through nearly a gallon in one day -- and she was constipated again in no time. BAD. Like, we had a horrible week. Constipation affects nearly everything. She won't nap as well, or she'll wake up crying, or it's harder to take her out in public because she'll stop whatever she's doing, seize up and just SCREAM, etc. I can't even tell you. Granted, we also know it's not as much of a physical thing, she's a withholder ... but still, having hard poops just makes the problem 50 times worse. When she finally went, it was heart-breaking. I was like, "F this, I'll spend a little extra to keep her on coconut milk so that she'll eat her vegetables and drink her prune juice and go regularly again." I guess we broke our own rule on that one. Nothing was broken. Why did we try and fix a system that was working for us?

#judging

Although I will admit ...

We kind of broke my golden rule on this one: If you're gonna give something a chance, give it time to actually work.

One bad car ride does not mean your baby hates the car. One week of denied green beans does not mean your baby hates green beans. I usually preach that you need to give things (well, depending what they are, of course), at least a month or so. Otherwise, it's not a fair chance. Babies are indecisive and they don't know what they want. YOU have to call the shots.

(For example: Ana hated her pacifier the first month, along with her Rock n Play. I was like, "Nah. ALL BABIES LOVE THOSE THINGS, I'll try again later and refuse to let her win." Guess who swore by her paci and R&P through the first 8-9 months?) BET.

Anyway, with this particular experiment, we did not give the probios a chance. Once Ana got that poop out (sorry, TMI, I swear I used to write about makeup), it just hurt my heart too much to let things go on the way they had been. James picked up about 60 cartons of coconut milk on his way home from work (<--- slight exaggeration but not by much), and we moved on.

Whatever.

The only mom rule that trumps all other mom rules is "trust your gut." (Haha SPEAKING of healthy guts). But for real, mom intuition is there for a reason, and something was telling me to stop with the probio nonsense. So I did and I'm not sorry. Honestly, what works for some kids doesn't work for others. My baby gal still can't have milk because she won't eat or drink anything else. The end.

Love you anyway!

What else ... We have a potty!

I mentioned last time that we bought it. I was kind of on the fence about introducing it, but my mom was like, "She's so smart. She likes telling us when she goes. Maybe just give it a shot."

I think I also mentioned that I was nervous because I (still) fear some regression once No. 2 arrives. But then I was like, screw it. No harm in going slow, and letting her warm up to it. So I took said potty down from the closet this weekend and basically, I'm making this plan up as I go.

Right now, we're in phase one, which is, "Ana, I gotta pee. Wanna come?" And she always says, "OK!" or "Sure!" And I sit and she sits. I tried to remove her diaper once or twice and she got kind of weird about it. But she loves sitting and pretending to go, as I go. (And luckily, I go on the half hour rn because of the baby head that's sitting directly on my bladder). Convenient.

Anyway, she makes a fake peeing noise and smiles at me and I tell her what a big girl she is, sitting on the potty. Then we flush and wash our hands and go about our day. Phase two might involve getting her to actually sit there and pee, but ... stay tuned.

Joke's on me, probably.

She is so funny.

If I say, "Ana, are you being crazy?" She'll go, "Ca-rayyyyyyzayyyy!" and wiggle her little body all over like a crazy person. Today, we were out getting my oil changed, and she was all, "EXCITED! EXCITED!" (Sounds more like, "CITED!") But oh, she certainly was excited. And she was the only one. No one wanted to be in that waiting room/customer service area except for AG.

James will also call her the oldest little lady who ever lived, because at the end of the day, she likes to complain about her arthritis: "KNEEEEEES."

"TOESSSSSS."

And just recently, she started doing, "EYESSSSSS." She says the names of these body parts very dramatically, and grabs them as if she's just come out of arthroscopic surgery.

James will be like, "What (almost) 2-year-old complains about her knees like this? You are unreal."

Unreal I tell you.

I continue to learn ...

More and more from her every day. I'm trying to be a better listener. Granted, I think we've always done a pretty decent job of letting her learn the cadence of a conversation and such (you know, like the back and forth? Which requires listening?) but like, I want to really listen and hear her. The Harvey Karp toddler book says no one really listens to toddlers well, hence, some of their frustration. Also, if she's saying a word and you really can't understand it, I swear, if you repeat it back several times *while* scanning the room, you will probably nail it within 30 seconds. She certainly doesn't say things on accident or by chance. The other day, she was all, "BOG FAH-PACE" and I had no idea at first. But I kept saying it back, and I had her show me, and I surveyed the living room, and it wasn't gibberish after all. There was a BUG on the FIREPLACE.

Smarty pants, typing on the keyboard like a little mommy.

Swim lessons ...

Are over already!  :(  It was just a six-week session. I'm really proud of her though. Week one, as you might recall, was kind of disastrous. She wouldn't stay with the group, she wanted to do things HER way and her way only, she constantly yelled for "DOWN DOWN DOWN OUT OUT OUT!" and we were kind of the black sheep(s?) of the class. Week two was a little better ... as in, we stayed the whole time, but played on the stairs, just the three of us. And then weeks three, four, five and six? It was a whole new Ana. She definitely still got antsy when we did too much "baby" stuff (can't blame her there), but she was jumping off the side of the pool into our arms, blowing bubbles, reaching with her arms for the balls, floating (with our help, of course), etc.  This is one of those examples where I totally wanted to quit after week one. But I was like, "I'm not letting her determine her fate with swim lessons, we're going again!" And again. And again. And guess who loves swim class now?! (Just in time for it to end).

*Oh, and I think my resilience was largely due to the fact that registration was kind of spendy. Full disclosure on that one. We cheap, what can I say? We also found a bomb place for breakfast after class. James and I were in it for the stuffed french toast.

Brunchin with mom and dad

The Ganleys ...

Are driving in for a visit in two weeks. They've never seen our house. We probably won't plan much -- maybe the farmers market or a trip to the cider mill. It'll be nice for Ana to see her grandparents!

And then our little Ganley clan(ley) will probably drive up to Petoskey the following weekend to see Robby, speaking of (relatively) new houses.

We're doing a low-key for Thanksgiving (I'm actually working -- trying to bank comp time before baby)! And I'll be 30 weeks as of this coming Thursday. And I'm finally feeling ginorm! Here's my rambly pregzie post if you missed it or care about these kinds of things. Also, Ana continues to think she's pregnant too. She'll touch my belly and say BABY! And then lift up her own shirt and say BABY! ... Not quite, my grasshopper. Not quite.

See you in a month, if not sooner! I have some saved posts I just might share before then : )

A complete overshare of my second pregzies.

Hiiii! My feeling at first was, I didn't need to write any pregnancy updates. I did those last time, and you'd much rather read about my fun little (current) baby bear, right?

But THEN I got to thinking: I don't want to scrap everything I did last time, just because this is baby No. 2 and I've been here before.

Maybe No. 2 wants to read about how I was feeling when I was pregnant with him/her, just like Ana might want to! Right? (No? That's OK, too).

I guess it'll be fun to look back on, either way. And I'm gonna try to be a solid mom for No. 2. No slacking just because I have an older child! ;)  (lol who's gonna hold me to that, once the baby arrives? Any takers?)

So, let's talk second pregzies! I'll be 28 weeks on Thursday, which I believe marks my third trimester by most standards! I can't even believe it.

You'll quickly learn, all my bump pics accidentally look the same.

With Analisa being a little, er, unplanned, I don't think we found out until I was like, 9-10 weeks along ... which made the pregnancy go by pretty fast. We learned we were expecting and then all of a sudden the first trimester was over.

This time around, I was tracking my period and pretty on top of things -- so, as soon as I was late, I was like, "IS THIS IT?!"  and then I told myself I wouldn't take a test until I was like, a week or so overdue. But my curiosity got the best of me, I peed on a stick, and voila, two pink lines magically appeared. By the way, this was like, right when I sat down for work one day in ... April? Early May? (I could look it up, but I'm too lazy). Anyway, I peed on the stick at like, 3:30p. I wanted to call James, but I also didn't want to break the big news over the phone, with him in a crowded newsroom. So I texted and asked if he could come home for dinner -- which isn't unheard of; he'll do it a few times a month. But on this particular night, he said he couldn't. I was dying to like, INSIST on it, but I also didn't want to be an alarmist or give myself up. So I figured I could wait. It was so hard!

Also, when I peed on a stick last time, as in, when I found out I was pregz with Ana, James was also at work. (I should probably wait till he's around, you know? Would make it way easier on everyone!)

Anyway, when he came home way later that night in 2015 and I finally broke the news, he was all, "You should have called me home! You could have made something up! This is major!" Haha, so I did have that memory in the back of my mind ... like, "Maybe he wants to be called home?" But he's also a manager now, and pretty much running the show nightside, and I felt like I gave it my best effort with no success. What else could I do?

So I capped my pee stick, set it on his dresser and waited very impatiently for 12:30a. (Much like last time).

Now, if someone were to set a pregnancy test on my dresser, I probably wouldn't notice for like, a month. I'm not very observant, and well, #clutter. But James walked right in and was like, "Hi! What's this? What does this mean? Are you saying we're pregnant?" And I was like, "Um, allegedly!"

:) :) :)

I swore to myself that I wouldn't share the news with A SOUL for a few weeks, but I cracked -- of course -- and told my mom the next time I saw her. Although, I did consider it a great success that we waited to tell our close friends in person (which happened at Natalie and Ed's fireworks show) and James' family in person (in July). I think sharing big news through third parties, texts, phone calls, etc. just ... isn't enough. If you can see and tell people in person, you should! Just my opinion, but I stand by it.

Oh, and I kind of wanted to confirm the pregnancy with my doctor too, before sharing with too many people. Here was the thing: If it's not your first pregz and you've been pregzies pretty recently, my doctor makes you wait until week 12 for your first office visit. I think I tested positive around week 5. So that made for a LONG haul of a wait, esp compared to last time! I was so anxious by the end.

And I mean, I understand on some level. The doctor's office sent me my scrip for prenatals, mailed me my list of do's/don'ts on what to eat and what meds are safe ... etc. What is an office visit really gonna do, beyond like, officially confirm my pregnancy? Not much. I knew the drill. (But still. A missed period wasn't enough! I'm a pretty non-symptomatic pregnant person. I don't get sick or "feel" pregnant, beyond like, the first trimester tireds. And I couldn't even tell if what I was experiencing was that, or if I was just tired from having a baby already). So needless to say, I got the policy, but still wanted to come in and see that tiny heartbeat on the ultrasound screen, for it to be REAL real.

Then we finally got to. And everything was perfect!

Look at that wave!

What else ... I'll answer some of the questions we've been getting.

I will be returning to work this time around.

So, last time I was pregz, James got this awesome offer out in Michigan, we wanted to be closer to family anyway, and I had to quit my job at VSP once I learned they weren't exactly into the whole work from home/or remotely thing. Super sad! I had finally made my way out of news, which is like, the gold standard, and then I had to quit my dream job. Still mourning it! Butttt Michigan. :)  This is where my heart is. Moving here was like, the only way I could justify all the changes. And it's been great. No regrets, seriously. I think I've mentioned like 17 times: I could never have been a successful mom without the help of my own family, or specifically, my mom.

Anyway, as most of you probably know, I'm now back in news, the move comes with its own set of ups and downs, and we'll save that convo for another day; BUT my job with Graham is flexible af and it's easily the best part.

It's the reason I've hung out a year already, and the reason I won't jeopardize my position or throw in the towel. Honestly, I can't even tell you how amazing my current position is. I do half my workday when Ana is sleeping for the night, Wednesdays-Thursdays are kind of on my own schedule and I can just write about topics that I wanna write about. I don't go into Detroit often and my bosses + coworkers are extremely flexible and supportive. Granted, I work occasional Sundays and holidays are all on the table again, but that's the trade-off, I suppose. So yeah. There will be no taking 10 months off this time, which leaves me with mixed emotions. But I'll take the max amount of time off (even without pay) and hopefully, things will fall into place over time. We haven't really worked out logistics when it comes to what our new day-to-day will look like, but we'll definitely be keeping our sitters in place, if possible, and my thought is that I'll be with new baby upstairs while the sitters run around with Ana. New babies are pretty easy -- at least, Ana was. She just kind of ate and slept a lot. I could even write stories with new baby on the playmat next to me, if new babe is like Anz. Or I could hand both babies off to the sitter if I absolutely needed to, but again, who knows. It feels more feasible if I have one kid and the sitter has the other. I do worry about Ana feeling left out if I'm upstairs with the baby all afternoon, but she genuinely loves Emily and Sarah. And Ana and I can still play all morning. I'm confident James and I will find plenty of ways to make sure she's never left out. That's a huge priority in our book. Oh, and if anything, I feel LESS nervous about like, the time when I have to check back in for work, when the baby's what, 3-4 months? And MORE nervous about when we have two toddler bears running around. But who knows. Maybe one day, one of us can go dayside or something. I'm not going to worry about things that are like, a year or farther away.

All dressed up for a day at the office (rare)

The sex

We aren't finding out! (Also, it's SEX, you guys, as in, anatomy. Not gender -- that's a social construct).

Everyone wants to know what we'd prefer. I feel like it's super cliche to say "We're just hoping for a healthy baby!" but honestly, it's so true. I can see the positives on both sides: If she's a girl, well, I love girl names way more than boy names, so I feel more confident about our decision. She and Ana will have been born around the same time of year, so I'll get to re-use Anzie's ridiculously cute wardrobe. Also, SISTERS. I've always wanted a sister! With them being so close in age, I feel like sisters would be adorable. They'd grow up such friends! Fingers crossed, of course. Although ... that's not to say they wouldn't be close if it were a brother and a sister. I hate when people do all that, "When will you try for a son?" garbage, as if having one of each sex is what makes you a successful family.

It's true that having a boy would be a new experience. It would help the Ganley name live on a little longer. And although the clothes and names aren't as cute (#biased), I still feel like having a crazy little boy would be such a fun adventure. As for a hunch, I not-so-secretly suspect it's a boy. I don't know why, except I had several dreams early on that said so, and I definitely dreamed Ana was a girl in the early days of my last pregnancy. Who knows; I could be totally wrong. I will be delighted the moment that a new baby is thrust into my arms, regardless of what's between his or her legs.

"Does Ana know?" ... "Is she starting to understand?"

Um, in a word, no. We talk to her about it, and now that I've finally sprouted a bump, we're like, "Guess what's in Mommy's tummy!" Sometimes she'll even seem to get it for like, a day. She'll point at my stomach and say BABY. ... But then she'll point at James' stomach or strangers' stomachs and think that they're carrying babies, too. Last week she even lifted her own shirt and said, BABY. I was like, "ehmmmm, not quite."

I mean, and even if she does understand it on a very basic level, I definitely doubt she understands the gravity of the situation. Like, it's pretty crazy, even for James and me. More like SURREAL. I'm growing another human. One day after the holidays I will push said human out of my body and we'll bring him/her home and (s)he'll live with us forever (or until the age of 18, same diff). This will be your sibling and everything will change ...

And that's what makes me a touch weepy.

We'd always wanted to have babies close together in age, and this was all by design, for sure, but Ana and I are like, the two closest humans on the planet. OK, I should say the three of us are, because it's true. She is our absolute world, and it kills me when people suggest that we should take her on little lunch dates and make her feel important after the baby comes. Because sorry, and I realize people are well-intentioned, but like, DUH. Of course. It honestly keeps me up at night.

I never want her to feel, even for two seconds, like she's being replaced or put on the back-burner or ignored. And I realize toddler emotions and feelings are fragile, so I'm not sure how it's all going to pan out. But I do know a few things for certain. She is the happiest, most adaptable, easygoing and confident girl. I really do think she's well-adjusted and secure because of how we've raised her. I hate to take credit for too much, but she is just the best. And so loved -- and she knows it. I don't doubt that we could have hard days or weeks ahead, but what a gift: A sibling close in age. A mom and a dad who will still be around just as much, dedicated to loving two bears. They say love multiplies; it doesn't divide. It's hard for me to fathom loving another baby or human as much as I love James and Ana already, but I do believe it's possible! And I think Ana's going to be a really sweet big sister. In fact, I don't have any doubts about that.

My world.

My brother and I were relatively close growing up, but I feel like we didn't really get to be FRIENDS friends until we were older. We're four years/five grades apart, so it was just different. We didn't have the same friends, or go to the same school (with the exception of like, maybe one year at Oak Ridge). We were never really on the same level. He was kind of fun to dress up and stuff when he was first born, and I remember loving him. But all the people I know with a sibling really close in age, meaning like, 2-ish years, say it's the best. (Ana and No. 2 will be 2 years and 1 month apart).

And plus, although James and I have our moments where we're like, "WHAT are we getting ourselves into?" everyone keeps reminding us that the payoff will come sooner: When they can play! Also, we're knocking it out -- getting them through diapers faster, all the things like that. We don't want to be old parents, James is already four years older than I am, and I think someday we'll look back, and this will all be a distant memory. Like most things, you know? What's the worst that happens, we're tired? I mean, not to minimize, but I think this is completely survivable. I highly doubt Ana will end up on Intervention because she got a sibling too close in age.

What names are you thinking? Are you going to have more (kids) after this?

Not telling names. Also, I think it's kind of unbelievable how many people -- who we aren't even close to -- will ask shit like this. It's personal, you know? And I don't care *that much*, but I will say, on behalf of everyone else, this is not an acceptable question. We're likely playing it by ear, like we do everything, but like, here's a PSA not to be so invasive.

My symptoms

Like I said, if you can call two pregnancies a pattern, I'm pretty easy. I've never been sick, felt nauseated, etc.  And although that will make some people say, "Oh then you must be carrying another girl!" I kind of think that's bullshit. Easy pregnancies kind of run in my family. My mom was never sick, with me or Robby, nor were any of my aunts or anything. Thank youuuuu, genes!

I was kind of headachey early on, and I'm a headachey person in general, so that sucks when you can only take Tylenol. For real, if Tylenol isn't the worst product on the market, I'm not sure what is. INEFFECTIVE. Also I mentioned being tired. Gosh, the tiredness is real. I swear, I'd finish a shift and crawl directly in bed with all my clothes on and fall asleep. Once I couldn't keep my eyes open the final hour, and made it up the next day. Waking up with an Ana-bear and then working 9 hours leads to some longggggg days. But once the first trimester clears, the exhaustion usually lifts. Mine did at least -- both times. Jim said I could use him more, as in, he could wake up with Ana some extra mornings (we typically alternate who gets to sleep in a little longer), but I actually didn't take him up on it. On some level, we're all tired, you know?

Nearly 23 weeks. I honestly had not much to capture before this point.

I'm starting to feel BIG.

This is laughable to a lot of my friends and family, because I've probably only gained ... 10 pounds? But hear me out! Both pregnancies, I've lost weight before gaining, so this helps my bottom line. Also, of course I'm not dieting -- I'm just not that hungry early on. I just want to nom on *only* what sounds ideal in that moment (or scrap food and go to sleep). I'm not sick, as I mentioned, I just don't have my normal appetite and most meat sounds unappetizing.

So yeah, needless to say, that stage is over, I'm eating dessert probably too often and I'm finally getting weighed from the 150-mark on my doctor's old-ass scale. (You know what I mean? On the old-school scales, how the nurse has to pick a jumping-off point and then move the smaller bar from there? My goal is to NEVER measure from the 150-mark when I'm not pregnant ... but I suppose it's allowed when I'm with child).

I think I gained like, 25-30 pounds total last time. I'm on pace for the same, but who even knows.

Those belly measurements are bullshit (as we learned with the Anz) and although I'm only up 10-12 (I think; we don't own a scale and it's been two weeks), I still feel ginormous. I swear I'm bigger than I was last time at this point -- although they say that's normal with subsequent pregnancies. And I'm not really one to sweat it out over what I've gained ... I just know these are topics I'm asked about. James always teases me, like, "No one even knows you're pregnant. You just look like you've been hitting the heavy beers." Thanks boo! Which brings me to ...

Food cravings

One week early on, all I wanted were these homemade quesadillas: I'd grate a small pile of sharp cheddar, add some pulled chicken from the Crockpot (just prepared in salsa verde) and pile it between two corn tortillas. No hot sauce, sour cream, guac or any of the usual fixings -- just that.

Another week, Wendy's just sounded more delicious than usual. Spicy chicken sandwich, no fries, occasionally a Dr. Pepper (I'm not normally a pop drinker but the fizziness always seemed ideal).

Also, once on my way home to Royal Oak, I made myself pull over and get food because it had been so long and I felt I needed to eat (story of my life while pregz), so I chose Qdoba. Safe bet, right? Usually I kill for Qdoba nachos or a burrito bowl. So I ordered my usual and it just tasted ... off. I threw away my queso. WHO AM I? For shame, you guys.

But I also feel like you have to take me with a grain of salt here re: the cravings, because I'm always in the mood for something. No joke. James will leave it to me when it comes to like, what we should have for dinner -- takeout, going out or staying in -- and I'll think on it long and hard, pregnant or not, until I've come up with the perfect option. I swear I wake up, stretch, and start brainstorming breakfast and lunch options.

I won't call us foodies, because that's a gross term, but we're very much like, "If we're gonna eat stuff, it might as well be delicious af." So yeah. Safe to say, I get in food moods, so maybe this pregnancy thing is just me, having an excuse to eat all the things that sound the very best. I have no shame.

Low placenta

So, I mentioned this probably a few blogs ago and so many of you were supportive and mentioned your own LPP (low placenta probz). Honestly, I had no idea that this was a thing, so thank you!

The doctor said at first that perhaps it was because I wasn't showing -- as in, my uterus hadn't expanded much, which happens eventually and then that pushes your placenta up and into place. Does that make sense? I hope I'm explaining it correctly.

But then at our last appointment, he was like, "Maybe you just implanted low." So, shrugs? I didn't have this with Ana. Anyway, we're gonna check again at week like, 32? 34? I forget. My doctor said for most women, it moves up over time and not to fret. I don't think there's like, a worst-case scenario here. Baby is safe and sound. Also, this isn't placenta previa, which is when your placenta is covering your uterus. Mine is just low I guess, and not terribly uncommon.

Cutest big sis I've ever seen!

Lately I'm feeling...

-- Kicks! Big kicks. Lots of movement, just like with Ana. They started around 16 weeks, which was fun.

-- Emotional. I cried like, 3 minutes into This Is Us on Sunday (the night when James and I typically catch up on our DVR), and he was like, "The episode has barely started!" lololol. OH and then easily nine times last night on Dancing With the Stars. But you guys -- everyone had such sad stories!

-- Optimistic about nursing. Hey, just because it went kind of shitty the first time, doesn't mean I'm doomed to the same fate, says the latest stuff online that I'm reading. (Although, I'm also not above giving a bottle or supplementing. I think I've mentioned, but I just don't think I can commit to all the pumping all over again, if it comes to that). I will, however, keep water bottles and healthy snacks stashed all over the house. I'll be ready to go this time!

--Like the food rules are still BS. I definitely eat all the sushi, lunch meat, etc. (forbidden items).

-- A little sore. Round-ligament pain, you guys. Is real. Had it last time, have it again. YOUCH.

-- Happy about my maternity wardrobe. Did you guys see my Insta post about this? I feel like Katie, Jaquelyn and I should honestly go on a talk show and share our idea with the world. Here's what we did: I got pregz first (there was no race, btw), so when I was done with my maternity clothes -- I had probably spent like, $80-150 on quite a few pieces -- I sent a big box to Katie in DC. It was more shipping than I'd usually pay on a box to a friend, but this was valuable stuff, you know? My gift to her. When she was done (and she had done a little shopping herself), she threw together an even bigger box and added my stuff to it, and sent it all to Jaquelyn in LA. And then Jaq had her baby, I got re-pregnant, and Jaq mailed it all back to me, plus her own additions, kind of closing/completing the circle. OMG you guys. Worth it!

Jaq and Katie added such cute stuff to the collection. Also, I found FOUR large boxes on my doorstep one afternoon, guaranteeing I won't have to buy one single thing this time around. It's kind of funny too -- Katie and Jaquelyn are smaller humans than I; to the point where I was originally like, "their stuff will never fit me and this is silly." But that's not really been the case. Maternity smalls are pretty versatile, I've learned. There are only a handful of items that I've deemed impossible. Katie and Jaq are what, size 2? A good few inches shorter than me? Whereas I'm more of a 6, and 5'8. But somehow, it all works. It's like the Sisterhood of the Traveling Maternity Wardrobe. And I'm more than happy to ship it all to whomever gets pregnant next! IF someone wants to have another, that is.  :)

-- And if you can believe it, I'm a little more nervous about delivery than you'd expect. I think it's just because I remember how intense it all is. Whereas before, I was just like, fingers crossed, who knows?! ... Yeah. I know now. Granted, I dealt pretty well on my own. I just want it to go as swimmingly and I'm feeling like I need to prepare mentally again, like I did last time. Eeeeeek.

K, was this excessive enough? ;)

21 months!

This is totally one of those posts where I'm just now writing Analisa's update ... and she's definitely closer to 22 months by now. Such is life with an almost-official toddler bear, I suppose! You get busy. Time flies!

AH I have so much to fill you in on.

Nugget alert!

First of all, before I get started: Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for all the kind words on my last blog. Here, I'll link it in case you missed it, or you aren't sure wtf I'm talking about. Basically, I thought it was important to jot down some notes on our experience nursing + pumping. I'd honestly meant to do so for months, if not the entire past year. And I finally did it. I just typed it all out like, stream-of-consciousness style and I had no idea it would resonate with so many people. And I hate to go all WEB EDITOR on you, but the page views keep rolling in, too! You forget how many people struggle with nursing issues, and I was happy to share our story with such a receptive group. You guys are the best. I got so many FB comments, messages and texts -- it was hard to keep up! This is starting to sound like a humble-brag, I fear, so I'll cut myself off now. But seriously, thank you for giving me such a nice platform where I can share our experience without judgment or mommy wars or fear of negative anonymous comments. I think I've mentioned that I'm gonna stop these monthly updates once Ana turns 2, but I'll definitely keep up with the other free form-type mom pieces. I have a bunch saved in draft mode and I'm really excited to keep writing!

Anyway. Let's get to the Anz, shall we?

She is less go-with-the-flow these days, but just as sweet and fun.

Ugh, where to start? Family pictures were almost a disaster.

It's hard, because I want to commit to getting them taken every year. I think they'll be really fun to look back on, and already, last year's session seems like SO long ago! But ... how do I say this? I take a *lot* of pictures of Ana, as you all probably know, so I guess I feel like the bar is really high. <-- That sounds conceited and I don't mean for it to. I'll dive deeper: I'm not satisfied with any old pic of Analisa looking halfway deece, when I realize her full potential for cuteness (which is through the roof, #biased). Does that make sense?

So, although I'm obviously not a professional by any means, I still think I take super-adorable pics of our daughter almost daily. I feel like some moms would be OK with any professional, glossy, well-done pics in proper lighting. But not me. Last year, I was kind of underwhelmed when our photog didn't even try to get Ana to smile. This year, Ana just wanted to run away from us and explore the park on her own. And although our photog this year had a little bit more time to work with us and get Ana to halfway cooperate, I was still pretty bummed -- but not surprised -- when Ana would refuse to be held or she'd randomly freak out or try to sprint down this one path. You feel me?

And I know -- the pics turned out! Thank goodness. I was stressing! Seriously, if anyone needs a photog in Metro Detroit, Kerry Black is your girl. (But still, don't think that I was totally exaggerating when I say Ana was a mess). Sure, we got a handful of great pics out of the session. But consider that we were out there almost two hours. Kerry probably took what, 1,000 pics? And then edited 100? And then we found 20-ish salvageable ones? I mean, I know a cute bear when I see one, and she was on the verge of tears in MANY, MANY pics. Also her hair looked crazy and we had to do last-minute outfit changes because it was colder than expected -- but I'll take the responsibility for those things : ) Anyway, almost-2-year-old pics are done, and hopefully she's a little more bribeable at 3!

My loves.

And then what else ... oh! Swimming lessons. K, I never really expected Anz to learn learn anything, but I still thought she would hang out with the class and splash around.

Not so much.

Kind of like everything else in life rn, she wants to do it on HER terms, on HER time, etc.

I will say, it's pretty silly that this class is for babies like, newborn through age 3. That's a pretty ginorm age range! The first class was just like, introductions, silly songs, and dipping the babies' feet in the water, and Ana was over it within probably 3-4 minutes. She just started yelling, "DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN!" -- but like, no. I can't let you all the way down, Anz. We're in 3-4 feet of water -- and then she started in on, "OUT OUT OUT!"  She's not quite to an age where you can bribe her or reason with her, and I didn't want to be the people making a scene, so what could we do, really? She and James roamed the pool deck for a few, until she started stealing kick boards from the older classes and trying to throw them in the pool. Anddddd we were outta there.

Naughty bear ;)

Our goal for last week's class was just to keep her in the water. We played with her near the pool steps and she had a blast. But when we wandered over to the class, it was more songs and introductions and parent tips. UGH that kills our flow so hard, and I actually said that to one of the teachers who approached us after class. She was all, "Well, the goal is for the babies to be comfortable in the water," and let me tell you -- we are probably a little too comfortable! I feel like if anything, Ana should fear the water about 50 times harder. Remember in Lake Huron earlier this summer, when all she wanted to do was run into the water, mid-storm? Yeahhhhh.

'Tis the age, is what I hear -- for all this craziness and rebellion, that is. And then people will warn you, "Terrible 2s are coming!" Which, I've also heard for little girls, is more like Terrible 3s. "Three-nagers," if you will. Fingers crossed we're not in for it.   ;)

I will say, I hear a LOT of this sentiment lately: "Well, blahblahblah and this situation happened and that -- I just don't want him to turn into a brat!" Or, "I just don't want to spoil her or make her ungrateful!"

Sorry, but I don't really believe in all that. Not right now. I swear, people with babies Ana's age keep repeating this stuff! (And I know I always say not to judge, but just ...)

I mean, yes, of course, what we do as parents matters immensely. We have to set good examples, lead with our words, react in a way that the baby takes seriously ... but honestly, I don't believe scolding kids and laying the hammer down before the age of 2 really does much, or sets the foundation for a "bratty" or non-bratty kid. Even if I did try to discipline Ana or intervene too quickly or take more action, she likely wouldn't listen. I'm not sure she has the potential to absorb much of it at this stage in her life.

My point is, toddlers (or, pre-toddlers if you're us), are assholes sometimes. But what happens this week isn't necessarily going to set the bar for the teenage years.

My reactions matters. What we say or do during this stage matters. But I'm not gonna blow it out of proportion and say she's gonna be untamable at 10 because I caved on what sippie cup she used when she was nearly 2.

Also, I've learned that you can show her you're listening, but still do things on your terms. For example, if she'll all, "Home? Home?" when we're at the grocery store, I'll say, "We're going home soon, Ana. It will probably just be another 5 or 10 minutes. Mama's gotta find the cereal!" And then I follow through. "Ana, you were so patient! Thank you. Look, we're going home now, just like you wanted." You don't have to drop everything for their requests. I think kids feel secure when they know you're listening, but still in charge.

Oh and at this age more than EVER: You have to talk to her as if she's a real person. I mean, because she is! We've been pretty adamant about this since the beginning. You don't just grab her from playing and do a quickie diaper change without discussing it first. What if someone did that to you? You say, "Ana, that diaper looks full! I'm going to change it really quick and then you can get back to your toys."

It might sound crazy to some, but Dr. Jenn gave me this idea, as well (I swear, she comes up in my blogs all the time -- because "Superbaby." Go read it).

Even since Ana was an infant, I've been in this routine, even with an example as simple as, "Mama's gotta run and stir the soup in the kitchen really quick. I'll be right back!" I talk to her confidently and I tell her what's up.

I swear, some moms look at me like I'm crazy -- you should hear Anz and I chattering away at the mall, even when she's in her stroller these days -- or  even when she was weeks old and I'd give her a heads up that I was gonna grab a glass of water. But I swear, it set an important foundation for us.

No. 1 stunna

This kind of ties in to what I was saying earlier, but am I the only one *not* micromanaging my kid?

I swear, every time I go to the library -- the one in town or in Royal Oak -- there are these helicopter moms hovering ahead like, "Play over here!" "No, the train set works like THIS." "Share your things!" "No, grab that other book." "Did you see this kitchen toys?"

OMG let your kid playyyyyy. I swear I might look like the bad mom, catching up on email on my phone on the couch, but Ana is capable of playing by herself. She's often happier playing by herself. I'm not about that bossy-mom life. Let them live!

All that said: Ana is still the best girl.

Daddy's main squeeze

A bit defiant at times, yes. Independent af, yes. Wants to do things her way, hell yes.

But honestly, she still plays well with others -- even if it's more parallel play than like, actively playing with other kids. She doesn't care when other kids rip toys off her. She's shy, but mostly difficult just with me and James.  :)  It means she's comfortable and confident around us, right?

And we have way more good times than hard times. I mean, it's like, 94% giggles and more interaction than ever and cuddles and love and play time. Sure, the 6% is a real pain in the ass, but she's our gal. We are blown away by her every single day, no exaggeration. She is so sweet, loving, filled with joy and just like, infectious. Even after the hardest of days, we'll put her down and be all, "I miss Ana!"

That smile, you know?

Also, she says SO MANY WORDS.

I think I'm just gonna say this every month from here on out. Sorry not sorry!

She was marching around in my T-shirt the other day (which looked like a maxi dress on her), and she paired it with shoes (which she put on herself) and a headband, marched over to me, and said with great confidence, "OUTFIT!"

Outfit was right.

She counts to 10. I swear, she was stuck on one-two, and then one-two-three for months. Then she woke up one morning and counted to 10, no prob.

I especially love when a bird makes a strange sound or she'll hear a fire truck and ask, "What's that?" (Sounds like "WAT DAT?")

She hears something once and remembers it, I swear.

Also, super simple but cute -- I love to hear her say YES. She has a few versions: "ya ya ya," "sure!," "yeahhhhhh" or "YES!" But in a world where she only used to say no, I love an agreeable Ana!

"Wanna come read a book with Mama?"
"Ummmm SURE!" she'll say with a big smile. <OMG my heart>.

Also she'll tell you these stories! I got back to Royal Oak from the newsroom the other day and she was all, "Suit and water and blue and Meese and Bob and eat and dark and outside!" She uses her hands to explain, and she's so serious when she's telling me a story. My mom and I were loving it!

Anyway ...

Sleep issues -- we kind of fixed them, but I'm scared to type that officially.

Who, me?

K, so Analisa went like, 5-6 days straight with no nap, and I was scaredddd. We were trying everything. Waiting till she seemed really tired (but then, were we making her overtired?)  or trying earlier than usual, so that she *wouldn't* be overtired (but then, was she just getting bored in her crib?)

And like, some days, I'd really try to tire her out with lots of outside time or errands or STUFF. And it would make 0 difference.

I even asked one of my moms groups on FB, "When did your kid drop the nap?" And I got so much advice -- from people telling me she might be done with the crib and I should consider moving her to a big-girl bed, or dropping around age 2 is totally normal, or totally ridiculous advice ... argh. It made my head spin. Also, I just read somewhere that kids typically don't drop the nap before 2 -- and sometimes maintain it until age 4 or 5! K, I'm totally not expecting her to last that long, but like, through the next year or so, probably? Right?

Also, I'm not being crazy. She's not ready to drop the nap -- if she hasn't taken one that day, usually 6 p.m. rolls around and she's completely miserable. But she fights it and fights it and I half think she's just testing her limits/my sanity. Her eyes are all heavy when I put her down and I have no idea why she doesn't go tf to sleep. If she had quiet time in her room and came out refreshed and recharged for the second half of the day, it would be one thing.

But this is not that.

Anyway, all of a sudden, James switched the game by putting her down without her gang of "fwens." (Friends are Elmo, Abby, Dragon, sometimes Bunny, Nuts and Poppy. All are known to go everywhere with her). James mid-week was like, "Just Blue today!" And guess who was down within 10 minutes? I swear, she'd been napping the past few weeks like, on rare occasion, but it was taking 45 minutes or so for her to pass out. And without her lovies just recently, she was OUT. This has been the case for the past few days, so ... maybe it's too soon to call it a pattern. But we're back to napping, and that's what counts! I will honestly take every last day I can get. Also because I have this cold that just won't quit. I need her to rest so I can rest! (Selfish).

Also we gave her a pillow.

Speaking of big-girl bed talk, did I mention last month that I got her a bed? Just the frame because it was cheap, exactly what I wanted and for sale on FB. I'd been kindddd of debating the move, until I happened upon a thread online that basically said, "Oh, your kid still sleeps well in the crib? Why F with it then?" and that really resonated with me. Nothing is broken -- fingers crossed -- so why am I trying to fix a problem that doesn't yet exist?

I am now thinking about a potty in the downstairs. I even bought one at Walmart; who even knows why. I haven't set it up yet. I was thinking instead of pushing it or going right into potty training, she could get used to seeing it around the house first. You know what I mean? It could become a little more top of mind. She does often tell me when she's wet or when she's pooped, and likes watching me pee.

We're still happy in diapers -- will totally do this on her schedule. And she still sleeps like a boss at night, nap or no nap, so honestly, those are the two things that matter most, right, with all these transitions floating around?

Hi boo!

I know I always say, "this is my favorite age!" every month ...

And it's occurred to me that maybe I should take a month off, because Anz can pose quite a few challenges lately ... but honestly, NAH. "What sound does a horsey make, Ana?" ... "Nahhhhh!"

Here is a list of reasons why going-on-2 is worth it:

1.) She says, "I love you!" and gives me the happiest, wettest kisses. Every day.
2.) She runs around the house looking for me, going, "Mommy? MOMMY? MAMA?" I swear, her eyes pop open some mornings and she must say, "MOMMY!" as one of her first thoughts, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
3.) When we drive to RO on Tuesdays, we make these silly noises at each other and she ends up laughing so hard she probably pees.
4.) She tries to make me laugh (and succeeds) and loves it.
5.) Her personality is bigger and brighter than ever.
6.) She brings me books (well, this is not new), but *truly* seems to absorb them -- repeating after me on occasion, trying to recite all the colors on each page, taking in new words, and reacting in the best ways possible. "See Ana? They just didn't recognize Daffodil with his fancy new haircut." ... "Ohhhhh!" she'll say with a knowing smile.
7.) She's excited about learning and is really trying to impress me -- see #6 -- or even just by carrying something heavy. She's so proud of herself and loves a good challenge.
8.) Her curiosity about the world is just ... there are no words. Babies are fascinating. She is fascinating. I love watching her take it all in. She makes connections so fast these days and just wants to know everything!
9.) The way she uses her new words.
10.) Her silly dances (that look like mine), like to my alarm clock song (Chandelier by Sia). I swear she's my mini!
11.) Her singing! Tell me you've seen the Snapchats.
12.) SHE IS CUTER THAN EVER, I DON'T EVEN CARE IF YOU REFUSE ALL FAMILY PICTURES OR NEVER GO TO (EXPENSIVE AF) SWIM CLASS AGAIN.

Anyway, I try not to glamorize each age -- or make it look too easy or too hard. I assume everyone has different experiences along the way, and these are just ours.

There was a day last week when Anz wouldn't nap, and Lord I NEEDED it and I think I cried (like, not active tears, but def welled up from exhaustion). And I was all, "Why are we having ANOTHER BABY, I WILL NEVER SURVIVE!"

But we will. I caught up on sleep that night. Everything is a stage and nothing lasts. Hopefully the nap fight can be a distant memory soon enough.

I'll wrap up with some loves + hates and we can call it a day, until like, next week when my month 22 blog is due.  ;)

Ana loves:
Mommy + daddy
OUSSIDE
Her lovies (Po, Elmo, Abby, bunny, Nuts, Poppy and Roger the dragon are in the main gang)
Meese + Bob
Breaddddddd (please sing that word like Oprah)
Everything and everyone in the morning
The water, as long as she doesn't have to participate in that swim class for BABIES
Standing during baths
When I say, "Who's naughty?"
Fruit snacks <--- (bad mom)
Milk in the milk cup, juice in the juice cup and water in the water cup SO HELP HER GOD.

Ana hates:
A new random food every day (might be something she LOVED the day before)
Getting her shoes put on: "SHOES FEET TOES OUCH NO!" (Yes, they fit just fine).
When I do her hair
Naptime, most days
Being asked by strangers to do literally anything
Going with the flow
Restaurants
Patience
When I make myself a bowl of cereal (even if we share bites). "No, no, nooooo mama!"
When a cup is in the dishwasher and I have to put water in the milk sippie, SO HELP HER GOD.

Until next time!

When nursing falls apart.

Otherwise known as, our experience nursing.

Tiny babes!

I've never been one to make a really specific plan -- about anything in life. I mean, why bother? Everyone knows the best-laid plans often fall apart. I kind of like to have a loose idea in my head re: how something will play out (my week, a family vacation, what we'll do for dinners in the next few days) and then I just do my best to make it all happen, or kind of let the pieces fall as they may.

So when my midwife in California started bugging me about creating a birth plan, or asking why I hadn't turned mine in yet, I was kind of lol about it. "I don't know, can't the plan just be, 'Have the baby at some point?'" I'd joke with James -- (and I think I actually asked midwife Carol this very question, if memory serves me correctly). Oh, and for whatever it's worth, they definitely badgered me into filling out the damn sheet. I kind of filled it out how I just explained:

Q: "What do you have in mind for pain management?"
A: "Um, we'll see how it goes. I'm not against an epidural but I don't want to plan on one, either. TBD!"

For real, the nurses were probably like, "Cool. This is in no way helpful."

Anyway, I didn't have a birth plan, I didn't really read pregnancy books, but I did have a loose idea in my head about how this should all play out. And about how labor and delivery might go, and about how things would operate once the baby arrived. I mean, it's hard to plan, because you have no idea what kind of shit storm you're about to get hit with, but I was like, "Oh yeah, OF COURSE I'll nurse. Duh. Why wouldn't I?"

I'm not really *crunchy* crunchy. I mean, I don't make my own kombucha like some of the girls in my Crunchy Moms Facebook group, I don't own my own chickens, I definitely believe in vaccinating and strongly believe that the top solution for teething is a healthy dose of baby ibuprofen. But I've always considered myself like, 25-35% crunchy just based on the fact that like, when it comes to parenting, I like to do things organically (meaning, on their own, not "feeding my daughter organic food only)." I'm into attachment parenting, baby-wearing, baby-led weaning and only washing my own hair twice a week or so. I used to practice bikram yoga religiously and I'd rather shop local. Etc. Little stuff like that.

So safe to say, nursing definitely fell in line with my plans. I wasn't against formula, but I didn't love the idea of giving my baby formula so early on, when she could just get it straight from the tap, for free. Plus, the bonding! And the fact that we didn't want to introduce new proteins too early on (in fear of Ana developing James' Type 1 diabetes). So yeah, the way I saw it, I was a naturally boss pregnant lady. I had a pretty smooth L&D, all things considered, and I thought breastfeeding would be the most natural thing in the world for us. I had taken the classes at Kaiser, I was equipped with the names and numbers of several private lactation consultants if all else failed, and I was ready to go.

Here's how it actually went down:

Ana was born and immediately did the baby-crawl right on up to the boob. Well, we gave her a little boost toward the end, propping her into position, and she nursed *right* away. Like, I'm saying we didn't even wipe her down first. No one weighed her or bathed her or did anything you see on TV. We did the delayed cord-clamping, James finally cut it, she nursed while I rubbed the vernix into her skin and it was love at first snuggles. She latched right away and her first nursing sesh lasted probably 20 minutes or so. I didn't even feel the pain; if there was any, I was just so elated to have my baby girl out in the world and on my chest.

We nursed the entire time at the hospital with no problem. Lactation specialists stopped by my room constantly on their rounds, and everyone said we were old pros. We passed all our tests, she was feeding around the clock and we got discharged VERY quickly. I labored through one night, stayed one additional for monitoring, and then we were outta there. The hospital photographer hadn't even had a chance to swing by yet.

Once we got home, Ana and I were cluster-feeding just like the name implies: around the clock. I was glad, because the latch still seemed good and she was a pretty happy baby, but after about a week or so, I started to get suspicious. She hadn't pooped, which made me question how much milk she was actually getting. And then more and more, I'd notice how she'd sit at the boob all day, pissed when I'd try to end a nursing sesh early ... but she wasn't really drinking too productively. Or she'd just fall asleep there. Also, I understand that the concept of cluster-feeding is honestly CONSTANT nursing, but she just never seemed to be satisfied. My mom would be all, "But you nurse and then you put her down, right?" Wrong. She was honestly nursing 22 of 24 hours in a day. We would just sit there in the rocker and she'd sip-sip. Still, it never seemed to be enough.

No idea why I'm smiling here; I probably feel like true garbage.

She nursed while I slept on my side, just in a desperate attempt to get ANY shut-eye. And again, without any #2s, I was like, " ... does this mean she's not getting enough?" All my concerns kicked off a solid week, or 10 days or so, of constant trips to Kaiser to meet with an LC. We generally saw the same woman, and she was pretty good. She recommended some new strategies, helped me keep Ana focused on the task at hand and kept us in the BF game for a bit longer. But she would weigh Ana too, and my suspicions were confirmed: Ana didn't seem to be getting enough. Newborns are expected to lose a little weight after they're born, but they eventually re-gain. Ana was losing weight too quickly, and NOT re-gaining. The LC suspected it was palate problems on Ana's end, meaning perhaps my breast didn't line up with her high palate, or maybe she really was just an unproductive eater, which is totally a thing, or maybe I wasn't producing enough.

This launched me into a crazy spiral of trying to make more milk. I started downing normal water, coconut water, special teas, more food, Fenugreek tablets, lactation cookies, you name it. Nothing really worked, with the only exception being an absolute VAT of water. The problem was, I really only had about a week with James' help at our apartment. We had no family in California at the time. I had a really hard time keeping myself constantly fed and hydrated when Ana would SCREAM bloody murder any time I tried to put her down for a sec. I couldn't even pee. It was next-level. We'd just lie around and sleep and nurse all day. I was starving and usually thirsty and I knew none of this was helping. I stopped just short of taking Reglan, a drug prescribed by my midwife, mostly because the side-effects were drowsiness and depression. I was already tired af, and although NOT depressed, I just thought post-partum wasn't a good time to chance my odds. When the LC suggested pumping after each nursing session, and then feeding Ana the pumped milk to supplement, I knew we had to give it a shot.

And it worked!

I finally saw my baby truly relaxxxx for the first time in her short life. She was pretty happy in general, all things considered, but like I mentioned earlier: She wanted to be connected to the breast 24/7. If I put her down, she was tense and angry and rooting. Anytime someone else held her, she'd go for the boob. Embarrassing.

But once I finally nursed her and THEN gave her a pumped bottle, she just like, melted into my arms. I think I was even able to set her down and make myself a sandwich. It was a really incredible feeling. "Oh THAT'S how it's supposed to work," I thought to myself.

Sleeping, relaxed baby! Finally.

So, the bummer part was, that became my life for the next few weeks. Feed her, pump, give a bottle. Feed her, pump, give a bottle. What I'm saying is, she seemed more satisfied finally, and she FINALLY started putting on weight (thank God), but this feeding business was still taking up 22 of 24 hours in the day. I'm probably exaggerating this time, but not by much. It was my full-time job, times seven. And we had to move across the country by car. I knew I wouldn't have time, or be able to get Ana out of the car seat for all the nursing AND pumping. Oh, and it was around this time too, Christmas Day actually, when I developed an infected milk duct. This wasn't mastitis (which also sounds shitty). This felt like lightning bolts IN MY BOOB whenever Ana latched, or whenever I pumped, or whenever I even experienced minor letdown (I didn't let down much, probably hence the low-supply issue).

Anyway, I just remember sobbing to the woman on the on-call nurse line at 4 a.m. on Christmas Day, asking when the pain would stop, or what I could do. Also my parents were flying into Oakland to help us pack up and start the journey home to Michigan. I knew I needed a solution. So basically, the next day, James picked up some prescriptions for me. I then moved to exclusive pumping and then THAT became my life for the next six months.

I pumped four to eight times a day, every three hours or so, and even set alarms on my phone to wake up and do it. I had days and weeks when I was like, "Shit, I really *do* have low supply." I'd cry when I'd only get like, 2 ounces total out of a 20-minute session. But then I'd chug water like it was Natty Light in 2007, and wake up and get 10 ounces. I was proud to say Ana drank mostly breastmilk until she was about 8 months old. At some point, I wasn't making enough to fulfill her entire diet, and we had to start supplementing with formula. But I was just of the mentality, "If this is what she needs -- or what WE need, then so be it. Our sanity is important, too." Also, I felt good about the fact that Ana was always drinking probably 75% pumped milk, and again, I'd only resort to making a bottle when we were absolutely out of fridge-stash. She burned through that stuff FAST though! I was always jealous of FB moms with deep-freezers full of milk. That was not us.

Giving a bottle to Little Miss Minnie Mouse.

And then at some point, I think we were out of town, and I had been pumping less and less toward the end of our road ... I just kind of dried up. Well, I dried myself up, I should say. I swear, I had like, three pumping sessions where I couldn't get much out. By that point, I had come to terms with the fact that I had a growing baby, I couldn't just leave her in the Rock n Play anymore 4-8x a day, and I'd have to be finished soon anyway. I had burned through two pumps, a million accessories and parts, and I was so sick of it all. I was tired of feeling glued to the stupid thing. I just felt done. I also felt a teeny bit selfish? But I honestly think like, I did what I could. For the majority of Ana's first year, I sacrificed sleep, sanity, drinks, plans ... and I was no longer scared of the formula: Kaiser breastfeeding classes be damned.

Maybe the situation would have been different, if it weren't for a cross-country move or whatever, but I was sick of beating myself up about it. (Oh, and I did. Seems silly in hindsight, but like I said, post-partum is an emotionally fragile time).

Just to see my baby satisfied, even with formula, was very fulfilling. She seemed to like it just as much as my milk. If anything, her poops were more consistent (sorry TMI) on it, too. She's still never to this day gotten sick -- knock on wood -- so I don't want to hear anything about how I weakened her immune system (lol). And it's really not as expensive as everyone makes it out to be. Sure, I probably saved loads of cash by pumping as much as I did, but like, if you just buy the yellow can from Costco, that thing is less than $20 and lasts foreverrrrrr.

(If you're used to constant dinners out and dranks, which our old life afforded, the cost is really NBD).

Anyway, Ana is 21 months now. She is strong, happier than ever, healthy and smart. I remember crying in bed at our old apartment, feeling like I was failing on such a basic level: I couldn't even provide enough milk to sustain my precious baby. Everything else went so well, but I failed at this. I recall thinking that if I had to give her a bottle, I'd die. Of embarrassment, of let-down expectations ... oh, and plus, when you're post-partum, you're usually a little crazy (I think I've said that a few different ways now). I didn't experience depression, but my feelings were just like, amplified. Hard to explain! I was tearing up left and right and couldn't even keep my shit together. But now I look back and I'm just like, "Why were you so scared of the formula again?"

All the painful nipple stuff didn't even stack up to my bruised emotions (and yes. The nipps burn).

Anyway, the moral of the story is, things don't always go as planned, WHICH I KNEW, yet I was still heartbroken and I went through this roller-coaster ride of pump sessions for the next 6-8 months to make up for it. If you have to give a bottle, just know that it's going to be fine. All our moms were formula-fed; it was a thing. Oh, and happy mama = happy baby? Truer words have honestly never been spoken. And once I was able to detach myself from the pump and play with my sweet daughter even more ... I swear, it made me feel like a happier and better mom instantly.

Your worth as a mom does NOT hinge on how you feed your baby.

I'll leave you with some of the lessons I learned along the way:

1.) Latch isn't everything.
People always want to ask about latch, or act like this sets the stage for all else. I even thought this was the big pass or fail on breastfeeding: whether the baby had a strong latch. Ana could latch like a champion, but then we still had 99 probz. Tongue-tie is a thing, palate issues are all too real, milk production ... the list probably goes ON and on. But don't assume you're out of the woods if your kid can latch.

2.) Breastfeeding is a full-time job. Or two or three full-time jobs.
Don't expect to just nurse and put her down (even under best-case scenario). Cluster-feeding is intense af and in those first few weeks, they are hungryyyy.

3.) The more you nurse or pump, the more milk you'll make.
I read this everywhere and it was pretty true. It's why I pumped so much. Even when I didn't yield much, it was still important to tell my body that it was needed. (It's a supply and demand thing).

4.) You can still bond with your baby while giving him a bottle.
Make plenty of eye contact. Sing songs, read if you're on a surface that allows that, give plenty of cuddles and make it a shared experience. I swear, when I was struggling through nursing sessions (or when I had my infected duct and couldn't even open my eyes through the pain), we were NOT bonding. I swear you can bond just as much through the bottle or the breast.

5.) Listen to your gut.
Speaking of that infected duct, my midwife was like, "Yeah yeah whatever, get her back on the breast ASAP. No matter what/at all costs/I don't care if you die." K maybe not that last part, but it sure felt like it! Honestly, I was already reading up on exclusive pumping and supplementing with formula by that point. My gut was telling me it was what we needed at that time in our lives, I trusted it, and I have no regrets. You have a mom instinct too, and you should lean on it. You know best what would work for you two.

6.) If you honestly think nursing sounds horrible and it's not for you, then don't do it.
Obviously this is just my opinion, but I've spoken with a fair number of moms over the past two years or so who are uncomfortable with it for whatever reason. Do you, mamas. And speaking of which ...

7.) Just never read the comments section on any mom posts/FB shit/etc.
Fed is best. Remember that. No one else is living your life.

8.) Expect nursing to be hard, and you might have complications, but you also might not.
I think I expected it to be too easy. And on the flip side, I think you hear a fair amount about how challenging it can be. But like, my cousin nurses her daughter like a champion, has never really had a complication, and makes a ton of milk. Same with this girl whose blog I stalk. For some people, it's just easier. Who knows why. Drink those fluids, don't be afraid to call for help and get after it!

9.) Beer doesn't always help.
I read somewhere that if you have weak supply, drinking a beer can prevent you from letting down all the way. Now, who knows. I know beer has some good ingredients for you when you're nursing (in moderation, of course). But for me, beer didn't make a diff -- 2007 Natty Lights be damned. SHRUG.

10.) Just because it went poorly with one kid, doesn't mean it will next time.
So, fingers crossed for baby #2! I will drink all the water in the world and stock up on healthy snacks ... because ain't nobody got time to chase a crazy toddler and pump around the clock. That just won't be happening this time around.

11.) Nursing can make you CRAZY HUNGRY.
I swear, I've never been hungrier.

12.) But if you hold onto a little extra weight, that's totally normal.
That's evolution, I guess.

13.) Although I've kind of touched on this, don't compare yourself to others.
Sure, maybe some other mom CAN nurse without as many problems, but again, none of this is a reflection on how good of a mom you are. You probably have something she doesn't, just like she has something you don't. It's all a balancing act.

14.) You can totally still have cocktails.
This is why they make those test strips. Also, less alcohol is absorbed in your milk than you'd imagine.

15.) Not everything is so black/white.
I remember when my LC suggested supplementing with my own milk. "People do that?" I asked. ... I was definitely naive as to what my options were. I thought it was BF *or* formula-feeding, and I hadn't even really considered a combo, when the concept was first introduced. We need to talk more, as women and moms, about our options and what works best in different situations.

There you are: A way-too-long post on nursing! I hope you all have way better luck than I did, or at least, if you're having a shitty time, you can rest easy knowing we did, too.  ;)  You are NOT alone.