You can change or stay the same; there are no rules to this thing.

"When you are a person going through a divorce, you feel incredibly alone, yet you are constantly reminded by society of how frequently divorce happens and how common it has become. You aren't allowed to feel special, but no one knows the specific ways you are in pain."
--From Amy Poehler's "Yes Please"

These words just hit me while reading Amy P's new book several weeks ago on a plane to Denver. Like, damn. Concise and just ... they really resonated with me.

I really haven't written about my divorce up until this point. Not here. Not many places, outside of a few Gmail notes I've typed to myself at 4 in the morning when I can't sleep and I need to hash something out about as fast as I can type -- just stream-of-consciousness stuff. I don't always have the words. Not yet, anyway. It's still too soon. It's still too sad. Maybe it's time to start the conversation? We'll see.

As Amy put it in another passage, "It's just too sad and too personal. ... I also don't like people knowing my shit."

Again: Yep.

And, "As my dear friend and relationship sponsor Louis CK has noted, 'Divorce is always good news because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce,'" Amy wrote.

Can she just come be my mom/BFF?

So yeah, why choose to address it now? I mean, I just warned you it wouldn't be concise or eloquent. And I'm clearly on the fence.

Well, a couple reasons, really. I guess I feel like I'm sick of hiding from it. I'm never going to spill every detail, but I've been working on owning it. I'm certainly not proud of anything that transpired, but like, this is a part of me now.

So, to rewind, I didn't ever come out and tell every single person in my life or on social media when shit was really hitting the fan (which was like, years ago at this point). I mean, what was I supposed to do? Issue a PSA? Update my Facebook status? Write a blog when I'm emotionally unstable/full of resentment and hostility? That's not really my jam. I didn't want to act irrationally. I didn't want to say anything I'd regret later. I guess I felt like silence was my best option for awhile. Plus, silence meant we could ignore it for a little bit longer. People who needed to know found out. It wasn't as if I owed the world an explanation. I tried to keep that in mind.

But social media makes things tough. I have like, 1,100 Facebook friends. The sad part is, most of them got the engagement announcement. Most of them probably knew Jon and I were together for years and years: Saw the engagement photos, the years-of-dating pics, the wedding album, etc.  Oh, and I had a wedding blog, which is really embarrassing in hindsight. Every stupid detail got hashed out there, from like, the flowers to my two dresses to my name change. Cool, Kim Kardashian. Cool. Might as well have been 73 days.

So yeah, a lot of me did burrow into a hole, thinking I owed THE WORLD an explainer when things fell apart. The story, the scoop, the deetz. But like, where would I start? And on what forum? Even as someone who considers herself a writer, the whole thing was just overwhelming, for months and months and months. How could I admit to the public what had happened, when I wasn't even done or ready to grapple with it myself? That's some shit I'm still coming to terms with.

OK OK OK. I said in the beginning I wasn't ready for a full dive into this topic, and I now realize I'm being overly vague. So I'll just include the following notes to anyone else in a tough spot, now or ever:

Be true to yourself. I've learned a lot about ME the past few years. Maybe I should have learned some of it sooner. Regardless, if you're in a hard place but you know what you want deep down, listen to that. You won't regret it.

And never feel like it's too late to start over again. If you're not happy, say that out loud and change your life. It can be really, really, really hard -- but so worth it in the end. This line got me through all the days:

"For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again."

*In no way am I trying to say, "when in doubt, get divorced!" But again, for me, it came down to my gut. I think we both knew where we needed to be at the end of the day. And to fight that wouldn't have been right. I didn't want to struggle with him our whole lives, just to prove a point. Or to drag kids into that. But by all means, if you're struggling with a relationship issue and you DO think there's light at the end of the tunnel? Do you. Put in the work. Fix it while you can. That's so admirable, too.

And either way, don't worry so much about public perception. Sure, it sucks to be divorced before 30. I hate that people know that about me. And I still feel like a ginormous failure like, every day. (I'm working on it). Yeah, I know "a lot of people get divorced," but I'd like to think I'm not "a lot of people." I have a good job. I'm successful at most things. I have a nice family. I never thought normal, good people like that could get divorced (dumb). But I wanted to hold myself to a higher standard (like I do with everything) in love too, and this time, I couldn't. Things fell apart. Maybe they were broken from the start. Whatever. But I realized at some point that I can't live my life for other people or other people's expectations. So many times in my head, I'd be like, "what will my family think? What will his family think? What about our mutual friends? Or my coworkers?"  But you can't live your life for those people. You gotta do you. It's not your coworkers who are living your life, looking in the mirror every day and spending time in your head -- it's you, like, every. Single. Damn. Day. Who would you rather lie to? Them, or yourself?

Am I redundant enough yet?

Which brings me to my next realization ...

Anyone who cares THAT much or who is gonna pick sides or hear one side of the tale and write you off ... isn't worth it anyway. Obviously the only two people who really know what happened were the two people who lived it. It's silly to try and boil down "what happened?" into a single reason or explanation anyway.

Like, duh, right?

Luckily we didn't have a ton of that. Still, breaking up is like breaking up with the family, too. I liked most of my in-laws a ton, so that hasn't stopped being sad. Just as I suspected, the relatives with whom I was pretty close, understood. We exchanged kind words and everyone acted with forgiveness in the end. I will never stop appreciating that.

Lesson #53: We're adults now. Which means, understand what you want. And what you don't want in a relationship. And what you can settle on and what you can't. I got into this relationship when I was 20, so ... not much of an adult. Jon and I carried over bad habits and never fixed things that were broken from the beginning. At times, I was scared to stand up for myself, and just, SO much had gotten buried and pushed under the rug by the time I was 26.

Don't do that. Know what you want. Know how to stand up for that. Have healthy discussions and know how to talk to your person. Developmentally, I'm not sure Jon and I ever got off the ground, and that really ended up coming back around to bite us.

And finally: I'm really happy right now. I think many of you have wondered or asked or double checked with me over the past few years, and the answer has varied. But just know that I'm happy now. I'm with a wonderful person who is theeeee most calming, understanding, patient guy I could ask for. He's kind and funny and perfect for me. We stumbled upon each other and I'm not sorry. 

I miss home, and going through all this without my close friends or family has been frustrating at times (understatement). But I made it. I'm through the worst, and I don't want anyone to worry. I feel like I've grown up a ton in California. It's been a gut check, a reality check, and a life-changing time for me. I've learned compassion for others going through hardships, and compassion for myself. It's really true when they say not to judge, because you never know what battles people are facing inside. Some things will still take years to heal, but that's life, right?

Jon and I were both wrong. In a lot of ways, I'm glad it happened earlier than later because we can have fresh starts. We didn't have a mortgage or kids or shared debt. Does it take away the hurt? Nah. But life moves on and time heals all wounds.

I just thought I would share about as much as I'm ready to share, and pass along some words.