You can change or stay the same; there are no rules to this thing.

"When you are a person going through a divorce, you feel incredibly alone, yet you are constantly reminded by society of how frequently divorce happens and how common it has become. You aren't allowed to feel special, but no one knows the specific ways you are in pain."
--From Amy Poehler's "Yes Please"

These words just hit me while reading Amy P's new book several weeks ago on a plane to Denver. Like, damn. Concise and just ... they really resonated with me.

I really haven't written about my divorce up until this point. Not here. Not many places, outside of a few Gmail notes I've typed to myself at 4 in the morning when I can't sleep and I need to hash something out about as fast as I can type -- just stream-of-consciousness stuff. I don't always have the words. Not yet, anyway. It's still too soon. It's still too sad. Maybe it's time to start the conversation? We'll see.

As Amy put it in another passage, "It's just too sad and too personal. ... I also don't like people knowing my shit."

Again: Yep.

And, "As my dear friend and relationship sponsor Louis CK has noted, 'Divorce is always good news because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce,'" Amy wrote.

Can she just come be my mom/BFF?

So yeah, why choose to address it now? I mean, I just warned you it wouldn't be concise or eloquent. And I'm clearly on the fence.

Well, a couple reasons, really. I guess I feel like I'm sick of hiding from it. I'm never going to spill every detail, but I've been working on owning it. I'm certainly not proud of anything that transpired, but like, this is a part of me now.

So, to rewind, I didn't ever come out and tell every single person in my life or on social media when shit was really hitting the fan (which was like, years ago at this point). I mean, what was I supposed to do? Issue a PSA? Update my Facebook status? Write a blog when I'm emotionally unstable/full of resentment and hostility? That's not really my jam. I didn't want to act irrationally. I didn't want to say anything I'd regret later. I guess I felt like silence was my best option for awhile. Plus, silence meant we could ignore it for a little bit longer. People who needed to know found out. It wasn't as if I owed the world an explanation. I tried to keep that in mind.

But social media makes things tough. I have like, 1,100 Facebook friends. The sad part is, most of them got the engagement announcement. Most of them probably knew Jon and I were together for years and years: Saw the engagement photos, the years-of-dating pics, the wedding album, etc.  Oh, and I had a wedding blog, which is really embarrassing in hindsight. Every stupid detail got hashed out there, from like, the flowers to my two dresses to my name change. Cool, Kim Kardashian. Cool. Might as well have been 73 days.

So yeah, a lot of me did burrow into a hole, thinking I owed THE WORLD an explainer when things fell apart. The story, the scoop, the deetz. But like, where would I start? And on what forum? Even as someone who considers herself a writer, the whole thing was just overwhelming, for months and months and months. How could I admit to the public what had happened, when I wasn't even done or ready to grapple with it myself? That's some shit I'm still coming to terms with.

OK OK OK. I said in the beginning I wasn't ready for a full dive into this topic, and I now realize I'm being overly vague. So I'll just include the following notes to anyone else in a tough spot, now or ever:

Be true to yourself. I've learned a lot about ME the past few years. Maybe I should have learned some of it sooner. Regardless, if you're in a hard place but you know what you want deep down, listen to that. You won't regret it.

And never feel like it's too late to start over again. If you're not happy, say that out loud and change your life. It can be really, really, really hard -- but so worth it in the end. This line got me through all the days:

"For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again."

*In no way am I trying to say, "when in doubt, get divorced!" But again, for me, it came down to my gut. I think we both knew where we needed to be at the end of the day. And to fight that wouldn't have been right. I didn't want to struggle with him our whole lives, just to prove a point. Or to drag kids into that. But by all means, if you're struggling with a relationship issue and you DO think there's light at the end of the tunnel? Do you. Put in the work. Fix it while you can. That's so admirable, too.

And either way, don't worry so much about public perception. Sure, it sucks to be divorced before 30. I hate that people know that about me. And I still feel like a ginormous failure like, every day. (I'm working on it). Yeah, I know "a lot of people get divorced," but I'd like to think I'm not "a lot of people." I have a good job. I'm successful at most things. I have a nice family. I never thought normal, good people like that could get divorced (dumb). But I wanted to hold myself to a higher standard (like I do with everything) in love too, and this time, I couldn't. Things fell apart. Maybe they were broken from the start. Whatever. But I realized at some point that I can't live my life for other people or other people's expectations. So many times in my head, I'd be like, "what will my family think? What will his family think? What about our mutual friends? Or my coworkers?"  But you can't live your life for those people. You gotta do you. It's not your coworkers who are living your life, looking in the mirror every day and spending time in your head -- it's you, like, every. Single. Damn. Day. Who would you rather lie to? Them, or yourself?

Am I redundant enough yet?

Which brings me to my next realization ...

Anyone who cares THAT much or who is gonna pick sides or hear one side of the tale and write you off ... isn't worth it anyway. Obviously the only two people who really know what happened were the two people who lived it. It's silly to try and boil down "what happened?" into a single reason or explanation anyway.

Like, duh, right?

Luckily we didn't have a ton of that. Still, breaking up is like breaking up with the family, too. I liked most of my in-laws a ton, so that hasn't stopped being sad. Just as I suspected, the relatives with whom I was pretty close, understood. We exchanged kind words and everyone acted with forgiveness in the end. I will never stop appreciating that.

Lesson #53: We're adults now. Which means, understand what you want. And what you don't want in a relationship. And what you can settle on and what you can't. I got into this relationship when I was 20, so ... not much of an adult. Jon and I carried over bad habits and never fixed things that were broken from the beginning. At times, I was scared to stand up for myself, and just, SO much had gotten buried and pushed under the rug by the time I was 26.

Don't do that. Know what you want. Know how to stand up for that. Have healthy discussions and know how to talk to your person. Developmentally, I'm not sure Jon and I ever got off the ground, and that really ended up coming back around to bite us.

And finally: I'm really happy right now. I think many of you have wondered or asked or double checked with me over the past few years, and the answer has varied. But just know that I'm happy now. I'm with a wonderful person who is theeeee most calming, understanding, patient guy I could ask for. He's kind and funny and perfect for me. We stumbled upon each other and I'm not sorry. 

I miss home, and going through all this without my close friends or family has been frustrating at times (understatement). But I made it. I'm through the worst, and I don't want anyone to worry. I feel like I've grown up a ton in California. It's been a gut check, a reality check, and a life-changing time for me. I've learned compassion for others going through hardships, and compassion for myself. It's really true when they say not to judge, because you never know what battles people are facing inside. Some things will still take years to heal, but that's life, right?

Jon and I were both wrong. In a lot of ways, I'm glad it happened earlier than later because we can have fresh starts. We didn't have a mortgage or kids or shared debt. Does it take away the hurt? Nah. But life moves on and time heals all wounds.

I just thought I would share about as much as I'm ready to share, and pass along some words.

Welcome, 2015.

My Michigan peeps are about to ring in the new year in about 20 minutes. I've got 3 1/2 hours to go -- and I'm currently sitting in my newsroom, so there are no exciting plans in my future tonight.

Whatever though! People are always SO shocked to hear I work most holidays. I mean, if I were in Michigan, it might be more of a bummer. But out here, it's just me and G. So we both work (and allow the people with families the time off!) Because why not? Hopefully one day I'll be back in the Midwest and someone will do the same for me. Plus, this is a business of paying your dues. Gotta hope the next generation can take the bulk of the hols soon!

Until then, we'll take the comp time.

Anyway, NYE always makes me think of resolutions/what do I want to improve on in the year to come.

I don't really DO resolutions though, in the traditional sense. I mean, like many other bloggers, I set weekly and monthly goals -- benchmarks and such. But like, there's something to me about a resolution for the entire year to come that's just too daunting. Plus, there's no accountability, and judging from my gyms/yoga studios of the past, no one really keeps theirs anyway, right?

Although I have off-weeks, for the most part, I do keep in a pretty good habit of working out 3-4 times a week. I try not to drink wine on work nights. I hydrate. I treat people the way I'd want to be treated. I'm attempting to pay off my credit card debt. I (used to) volunteer. Probably need to get back in the swing of things in that regard! But like, what else is there?

So, I'll share a few small obtainable goals I'm setting for the month to come -- or just like, going forward. Goals/resolutions/whatever we want to call them.

1.) Keep working toward a new job -- preferably in the Midwest!

2.) If I'm going to caffeinate like a crazy person, let's try more green tea and fewer Monster energy drinks -- because those are probably awful for me. And whenever possible: WATER!

3.) Talk more with people I don't know. This can include strangers on the street or even like, my coworkers in the back of the building who I never really have to interact with. But whom I should interact with!

I've been working for awhile on becoming a better listener. Asking more questions and really hearing people's answers, rather than just deciding on what I'll say next. So I think this one ties into that. It reminds me of the Maya Angelou quote, "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."  I want to make people feel valued and understood.

And I need to pick a new yoga studio, too. But I'd do that no matter what.

I generally like to stay in the habit of pushing my boundaries and feeling challenged. Anything I'm forgetting? Finally pay off those CCs once and for all?

Happy 2015! Here are some pics -- thanks for the mems, 2014!

January -- Lucky enough to see a Rose Bowl WIN vs. Stanford with Caitlyn!

February -- A particularly memorable Lake Tahoe hike.

March -- Met Tony and Lisa in San Diego with G. Saw a panda, my life is complete.

April -- DayDay got his first NBA playoffs start vs. the Clippers! #DubNation

May -- Mayweather vs. Maidana, Part 1. Surprised G with the trip!

End of May/Into June -- #RachBach weekend! So happy to celebrate one of my very best friends.

July -- #TomRach wedding is here!

(I tried to leave out the Sparty pic but just couldn't).

August -- Visited Calaveras County with this guy for some very big trees and delicious wine.

September -- Drove up to Oregon for the MSU/Ducks game and tailgated with these brahs!

October -- (Was too broke from an entire year of traveling that I sat on my couch the entire time and caught up on reality TV. But at some point -- I think actually June, to be transparent -- Robby came to visit! So his pic can go here).

November -- (Worked a ton, again, did nothing of note ... except visited San Jose for Thanksgiving, where Caitlyn and I snapped 0 photos, apparently. Filler pic, this is actually July in Michigan!)

December -- Met up with my immediate family in Denver!

Sampino's Friday night dinner.

This post is going to be full of drool.

You've been warned.

Ever since I moved to Sac in 2011, people have been all, "you have GOT to try a Friday night dinner at Sampino's! There's one a month, do it do it do ittttt."

Samps is a restaurant pretty close to the newsroom. It's tiny, but family owned and operated, and delicious. My first introduction involved a meatball sammy for lunch -- and although I'd never been inclined to go that route before, the sando came highly recommended and just ... yep. Worth it. Devoured it then, have re-visited several times since and it's just perfection. Without fail. I won't even try anything else on the menu.

So, I soon learned that 'Friday night dinner' means the restaurant closes down to the public (or maybe it's not open that late anyway), and accepts like, 20-30 people for a private event. Samps rolls out a huge looooong table, and you make new friends and share a 55-course dinner together. You can bring your own wine or buy a bottle there, although we just ended up purchasing since I thought $20 in corkage was a little high. (Well, my bottle only cost $24, so.)

Anyway, after Samps had to cancel on us two months in a row, I was feeling like it might never happen.

But it happened.

G and I went to FND last week and it was about as incredible as I expected. If you're anywhere near Sactown, you've got to do this.

Here's the deal: You get there at like, 6, sit down and munch on some pepperoncini and bread/balsamic (I think other people ate cold cheese and olives too? That's not really my thing). You make friends with your tablemates and pop bottles. If you're me, you've been fasting for this (well, nearly), so you probably eat too much bread while waiting for the first course.

Jimmers!

Then you get soup. In this case, potato leek. Which sounds boring but it wasn't. It was super creamy and flavorful and YUM. Nothing came out in huge portions, but they definitely weren't small, either.

As I look back on the meal, I keep coming back to the soup. Wish I had the recipe to re-make that exact batch! Drooling, brb.

Anyway, next up was something called timbale, according to Samps' FB page. Which included puff pastry, penne pasta, meatballs, eggs, salami, mushroom, marinara, grana padano and mozzarella (good thing they listed the menu on social meds, yo).

This was like, can you picture a roll-cake? Like a pumpkin roll or a jelly roll? This was that. In savory form, You just got a small slice. Of like, pizza/calzone/goodness. Again, wonderful. A little weird looking, but wonderful.

THENNNNNN it was risotto time. (Luckily, a WAY smaller portion!) Wild mushroom and black truffle. I realized in this dish that I've never made a successful risotto. It was one of those, "Oh, is this what it's supposed to taste like?" moments.

Was getting full.

For the main course, we ordered one cioppino and one prime rib. We figured we'd split. Cioppino is like a seafood stew (expect this time it was over egg noodles) and PR is G's all-time fav.

As it turned out, they left the cioppino with him and the meat with me and it just kind of stayed that way. We traded a few bites but ... we were busy digging in. My PR came out with a lovely horseradish sauce and before I knew it, I was done.

Ugh but getting SO FULL now.

So, next we got a salad. Toward the end of the meal, weird, right? Apparently not, I guess it's a very European thing to do. It was arugula and roasted beets and I skipped the beets but thought the arugula and citrus dressing were pretty light and refreshing.

We finished up with a bread pudding/pecan gelato. By this point, I seriously needed someone to roll me outta there. The woman who had been sitting next to us was out for a neighborhood walk. We. Were. Stuffed.

So, I'd do it again! And I obviously recommend the experience to anyone in or rolling through NorCal. Sac is the Farm-to-Fork capital of the world right now, and this meal kinda proved it.

I think it came out to about $50 or $60 each, but that included wine. And like I mentioned (once or twice), included an F TON of food. Get on it!

I went to Colorado! Part two

So, apparently Robby's been watching a lot of "Cops." And since the Boston accent is his default setting, he mostly pretended we were the bad guys on "Cops" and he was the (Boston) lieutenant all weekend -- and play-arrested us nonstop.

I did mention we're all adults, right? Right.

The arrest sequence goes a little something like this (read this in a Bahhhhstan accent plz), "I'm gonna need one hand behind your back, OK now I'm gonna need BOTH HANDS behind your back. Do you have anything in your pockets? You're going to need to TELL ME NOW if you have anything sharp in your pockets or in the backseat or anywhere at all, believe me, it's better that you tell me now than if you let me discover it. I have a Taser and I'm going to have to use it in a minute. Stop resisting STOP RESISTING. No one said you were being arrested, for now you're just being detained."

And so on. I have no idea whether this is at all accurate to the show, I think I've seen "Cops" a grand total of never times.

At one point, my dad laughed so hard that my mom thought he was going to die. Like, my dad was BRIGHT red and Robby was attacking and my mom was trying to get him off and I was just sitting in the corner trying not to make any noise, or I'd be the next one "arrested."  Detained.

We're totally normal, right?

And then my parents would dance around the living room and Robby would secretly (pretty obviously actually) record it on Snapchat and put it out for the world to see. And then my mom would ask to see it and request (again), "let's save this next one!" and I'd have to remind her for the millionth time that you can't save stuff on Snappy, like, that's the point.

Sigh.

It was fun, but yeah, we didn't do a whole lot on the trip. Like I mentioned, we watched "Frozen" twice. And pretended it was real. "I wonder what actor plays the scary snowman! I hope they didn't break any child labor laws on this one."  We're not funny. Made dinner one night. Skied! At Keystone. My mom read inside the lodge the whole time (story of our lives). There wasn't like, a tonnnnnnn of snow, but there was definitely enough. More than I've seen in the Sierras lately. That part was great.

Plenty of boops on this trip, how did you know?

My Ortlieb boys

So lucky to STILL be skiing with my dad!

At one point, the 3 of us were going down this hill, it was more challenging than most of the shit we'd done that day, but not like, crazy hard -- and my dad fell. I kinda watched it happen and giggled to myself (Robby was taping it so we could watch later that evening, we're not nice), but then as I was laughing, I skidded over some exposed rock/treetop and took quite the cute little tumble myself.

Failfailfail.

Didn't tear my knee apart! Winwinwin.

Nice weather though. My muscles were nice and sore by the end of the day and it felt good to have a session of early-season skiing under my belt.

Flew home the next day, which felt good. Nice to see my fam bam, but four days was plenty. I'll tell you all about the Amy Poehler book I devoured on the plane in the next blog! Spoiler alert: LIFE CHANGING.

I went to Colorado! Part one

I feel like there are people in the world who just aren't that close with their families, and people who are like, weirdly WAY too into their families.

(This is a real status I just read on Facebook, no jokeskis. Here's the verbatim):

The few in this world I consider to be family, I am protective of, to say the least... And I know, I know... I can be a little CRAY CRAY sometimes, lol... yeah... it's hilarious.. all jokes aside? Don't f--- with my family.

I only tweaked the copy/paste action to bleep his swear word.

And now I just feel like, well ... this is awkward. Did you really need to put that out there for the world to see? You realize how the Internet works? Yes? OK. That's on you at this point.

I seriously hope the poster reads my blog someday and gets embarrassed. Sorry not sorry.

ANYWAY.

My family and I get along. We're close. We're not weirdly protective of each other on public forums. But we're drama-free. We genuinely like each other.

And we don't get together just the four of us all that often anymore! :( :(

My mom and Robs

Rob's pony

Sibs!

So, here's how this thing started. Last month, I requested off a handful of dates to drive up the coast into Mendocino County with my BFF, but we had to cancel. He couldn't get the time off work on such short notice, so I considered coming to Detroit. But flights were spendy and I wasn't feeling it a hunnid percent. (Sorry, have been watching a liiiiiiiiiiittle too much #LoveandHipHopHollywood lately). 

But then my mom suggested we all meet in Denver for a little family trip. Apparently, flights were dirt cheap from DTW to Denver, and then I looked and confirmed they were pretty reasonable from SMF to Denver too. So, sold.

My brother lives near and works at Keystone, so we decided to stay with him. He has a pretty big apartment, so we actually weren't too cramped.

What to tell you, what to tell you ...

To rewind all the way back for my recap portion of the program, I saw Brian Regan with ma boo on Friday in Santa Rosa (which was amaz), drove back earlyyyyyy (ha, 10 a.m.) Saturday, hopped on a plane to Denver just before 1 p.m. and got in around dinner time. Decided to kill some time with an airport massage (I never said I was classy), then I took 827348326478 texts from Robby and my mom about how I needed to catch this effing shuttle to Dillon because my parents' flight was running really late. The original plan was to carpool to my brother's, and my parents would be renting the car because that's what parents do. Even when you're 28.

So after some phone calls and a frantic dash across the Denver airport, I argued my way onto the Mountain Express, fronted $60 and got to Robby's by probably 8p.

The shuttle sitch wasn't ideal, but what can you do? It was true that I'd rather make progress on my final destination than kill five hours solo at the airport.

I got to Robby's and we ate QDOBA (we have no Qdoba in NorCal! I realize we have authentic Mexican food which is 82378326578 times better, but sometimes you just need that queso in your life), we hung out, watched the Notorious BIG movie on MTV, etc. etc. etc.  And my parents arrived a few hours later. This is why you don't fly Spirit.

The next day we all hung. Super low key. Arrested my dad a bunch (well, my mom too now that I consider it. More on that in part two). Went to Breckenridge! Hit a candy store way too hard like we were 10. Robby and I are 23 and 28, and we were like, "really, mom and dad? You'll let us fill up a bag? YASSSSS.) Anyway, downtown Breck was adorbs. Ate lunch, bought "Frozen," which we watched  twice over the weekend, and that's really the only indicator of action that you need     : )

We accidentally bought the singalong version, and by the end, we were passing the mic (and well, dropping the mic if you're me. I SLAY "Let It Go.")

Not really. I don't.

The mic is metaphorical.

But the next day we skied! So I'll give you part two in a few days. And explain this arresting business.

Soap & Glory (sounds like a punch line). EYE CREAM!

A few months ago, I was like, "is everyone using eye cream without me?"

That little pink blending sponge deserves a post of its own.

 I'll rewind. A few YEARS ago I determined everyone was moisturizing (without me), and I felt kind of left out. Who knew this was a thing we were all supposed to be doing? I still have oily skin, why should I be putting lotion on it all of a sudden? How did everyone else know to?  Questions.

So, fast forward backkkk to present day -- eye cream. I read a lot of beauty mags and sites on the regs, and people are talking about it -- the best brands, where to buy, etc. The past few months, I've seen pictures of myself, and where as usually, the first thing I see is acne or my splotchy skin, lately it's been bags under my eyes.

Gah-ross.

And what? When did I get so old? This is a thing now?

First the butter dish and now the bags. Late 20s, hi hi hi.

It's true: Sometimes I'm overworked, and I'm on a weird sleep schedule, and it's been a stressful past year or so. So maybe the bags under my eyes shouldn't have come as such a shock. But it did.

I woke up like dis.

So, I asked around on Facebook and a ton of people got all, "YES, eye cream is a really great preventive thing we should all be using, I mean, why not, it's your face, right?"

Right. I'm a big believer in investing in your appearance. This is why I splurge on nice haircuts and go to yoga.

Also, am I smiling too hard? Is that what's creating the bags? Ew. That might be something. But I don't trust people who don't smile with their teeth, and my teeth are kind of my thing, yaknowyaknow? Conflicted. #firstworldprobz

Soooooo, sometime shortly after the FB post, I found myself at Target and picked out a pretty basic kind of eye cream. That shit's expensive! I found a small tube for like, $15 by Neutrogena and felt productive. Bought it, used it for awhile, noticed no difference whatsoever, still managed to feel OK about it.

I was in the eye cream routine, that's progress, right?

Well, even more recently I got to thinking, and I was like, "should I be noticing some kind of difference? Maybe I'll revisit the eye cream sitch."

Last weekend, Lucky magazine posted a feature on all the best brands, so I picked one based on my needs, went to Sephora and picked some up. It was $41, so that kind of sucked, but I got over it.

For the record, I selected Soap & Glory's "Make Yourself Youthful" eye rejuvenating cream. Holy SHIT.

It's the teeniest little container, but you only need to apply a small amount. You're supposed to put it on morning and night, and I'm only on like, day three -- but you can really feel something happening! It tingles, it's THICK, dewey and hydrating ... it feels really good.

Boop, you baby container. Booooop

I go through phases of wearing a lot of eye makeup, and I also use a super drying (but effective!) face wash. So maybe my eyes just needed a bit more moisture. But like I said, I'm pretty much sold. This stuff feels incredible on my face.

So, no word yet on whether my bags will go down (I'm also trying to drink way more water like I used to when I was bikram-ing around the clock/and eat less salt). But I still feel really good about this stuff so far!

My eyes are NOT used to being so hydrated. I'm also trying to tug at my eye makeup less when I'm removing it at the end of the day with those Elf wipes.

So, progress!