You can change or stay the same; there are no rules to this thing.

"When you are a person going through a divorce, you feel incredibly alone, yet you are constantly reminded by society of how frequently divorce happens and how common it has become. You aren't allowed to feel special, but no one knows the specific ways you are in pain."
--From Amy Poehler's "Yes Please"

These words just hit me while reading Amy P's new book several weeks ago on a plane to Denver. Like, damn. Concise and just ... they really resonated with me.

I really haven't written about my divorce up until this point. Not here. Not many places, outside of a few Gmail notes I've typed to myself at 4 in the morning when I can't sleep and I need to hash something out about as fast as I can type -- just stream-of-consciousness stuff. I don't always have the words. Not yet, anyway. It's still too soon. It's still too sad. Maybe it's time to start the conversation? We'll see.

As Amy put it in another passage, "It's just too sad and too personal. ... I also don't like people knowing my shit."

Again: Yep.

And, "As my dear friend and relationship sponsor Louis CK has noted, 'Divorce is always good news because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce,'" Amy wrote.

Can she just come be my mom/BFF?

So yeah, why choose to address it now? I mean, I just warned you it wouldn't be concise or eloquent. And I'm clearly on the fence.

Well, a couple reasons, really. I guess I feel like I'm sick of hiding from it. I'm never going to spill every detail, but I've been working on owning it. I'm certainly not proud of anything that transpired, but like, this is a part of me now.

So, to rewind, I didn't ever come out and tell every single person in my life or on social media when shit was really hitting the fan (which was like, years ago at this point). I mean, what was I supposed to do? Issue a PSA? Update my Facebook status? Write a blog when I'm emotionally unstable/full of resentment and hostility? That's not really my jam. I didn't want to act irrationally. I didn't want to say anything I'd regret later. I guess I felt like silence was my best option for awhile. Plus, silence meant we could ignore it for a little bit longer. People who needed to know found out. It wasn't as if I owed the world an explanation. I tried to keep that in mind.

But social media makes things tough. I have like, 1,100 Facebook friends. The sad part is, most of them got the engagement announcement. Most of them probably knew Jon and I were together for years and years: Saw the engagement photos, the years-of-dating pics, the wedding album, etc.  Oh, and I had a wedding blog, which is really embarrassing in hindsight. Every stupid detail got hashed out there, from like, the flowers to my two dresses to my name change. Cool, Kim Kardashian. Cool. Might as well have been 73 days.

So yeah, a lot of me did burrow into a hole, thinking I owed THE WORLD an explainer when things fell apart. The story, the scoop, the deetz. But like, where would I start? And on what forum? Even as someone who considers herself a writer, the whole thing was just overwhelming, for months and months and months. How could I admit to the public what had happened, when I wasn't even done or ready to grapple with it myself? That's some shit I'm still coming to terms with.

OK OK OK. I said in the beginning I wasn't ready for a full dive into this topic, and I now realize I'm being overly vague. So I'll just include the following notes to anyone else in a tough spot, now or ever:

Be true to yourself. I've learned a lot about ME the past few years. Maybe I should have learned some of it sooner. Regardless, if you're in a hard place but you know what you want deep down, listen to that. You won't regret it.

And never feel like it's too late to start over again. If you're not happy, say that out loud and change your life. It can be really, really, really hard -- but so worth it in the end. This line got me through all the days:

"For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again."

*In no way am I trying to say, "when in doubt, get divorced!" But again, for me, it came down to my gut. I think we both knew where we needed to be at the end of the day. And to fight that wouldn't have been right. I didn't want to struggle with him our whole lives, just to prove a point. Or to drag kids into that. But by all means, if you're struggling with a relationship issue and you DO think there's light at the end of the tunnel? Do you. Put in the work. Fix it while you can. That's so admirable, too.

And either way, don't worry so much about public perception. Sure, it sucks to be divorced before 30. I hate that people know that about me. And I still feel like a ginormous failure like, every day. (I'm working on it). Yeah, I know "a lot of people get divorced," but I'd like to think I'm not "a lot of people." I have a good job. I'm successful at most things. I have a nice family. I never thought normal, good people like that could get divorced (dumb). But I wanted to hold myself to a higher standard (like I do with everything) in love too, and this time, I couldn't. Things fell apart. Maybe they were broken from the start. Whatever. But I realized at some point that I can't live my life for other people or other people's expectations. So many times in my head, I'd be like, "what will my family think? What will his family think? What about our mutual friends? Or my coworkers?"  But you can't live your life for those people. You gotta do you. It's not your coworkers who are living your life, looking in the mirror every day and spending time in your head -- it's you, like, every. Single. Damn. Day. Who would you rather lie to? Them, or yourself?

Am I redundant enough yet?

Which brings me to my next realization ...

Anyone who cares THAT much or who is gonna pick sides or hear one side of the tale and write you off ... isn't worth it anyway. Obviously the only two people who really know what happened were the two people who lived it. It's silly to try and boil down "what happened?" into a single reason or explanation anyway.

Like, duh, right?

Luckily we didn't have a ton of that. Still, breaking up is like breaking up with the family, too. I liked most of my in-laws a ton, so that hasn't stopped being sad. Just as I suspected, the relatives with whom I was pretty close, understood. We exchanged kind words and everyone acted with forgiveness in the end. I will never stop appreciating that.

Lesson #53: We're adults now. Which means, understand what you want. And what you don't want in a relationship. And what you can settle on and what you can't. I got into this relationship when I was 20, so ... not much of an adult. Jon and I carried over bad habits and never fixed things that were broken from the beginning. At times, I was scared to stand up for myself, and just, SO much had gotten buried and pushed under the rug by the time I was 26.

Don't do that. Know what you want. Know how to stand up for that. Have healthy discussions and know how to talk to your person. Developmentally, I'm not sure Jon and I ever got off the ground, and that really ended up coming back around to bite us.

And finally: I'm really happy right now. I think many of you have wondered or asked or double checked with me over the past few years, and the answer has varied. But just know that I'm happy now. I'm with a wonderful person who is theeeee most calming, understanding, patient guy I could ask for. He's kind and funny and perfect for me. We stumbled upon each other and I'm not sorry. 

I miss home, and going through all this without my close friends or family has been frustrating at times (understatement). But I made it. I'm through the worst, and I don't want anyone to worry. I feel like I've grown up a ton in California. It's been a gut check, a reality check, and a life-changing time for me. I've learned compassion for others going through hardships, and compassion for myself. It's really true when they say not to judge, because you never know what battles people are facing inside. Some things will still take years to heal, but that's life, right?

Jon and I were both wrong. In a lot of ways, I'm glad it happened earlier than later because we can have fresh starts. We didn't have a mortgage or kids or shared debt. Does it take away the hurt? Nah. But life moves on and time heals all wounds.

I just thought I would share about as much as I'm ready to share, and pass along some words.

Welcome, 2015.

My Michigan peeps are about to ring in the new year in about 20 minutes. I've got 3 1/2 hours to go -- and I'm currently sitting in my newsroom, so there are no exciting plans in my future tonight.

Whatever though! People are always SO shocked to hear I work most holidays. I mean, if I were in Michigan, it might be more of a bummer. But out here, it's just me and G. So we both work (and allow the people with families the time off!) Because why not? Hopefully one day I'll be back in the Midwest and someone will do the same for me. Plus, this is a business of paying your dues. Gotta hope the next generation can take the bulk of the hols soon!

Until then, we'll take the comp time.

Anyway, NYE always makes me think of resolutions/what do I want to improve on in the year to come.

I don't really DO resolutions though, in the traditional sense. I mean, like many other bloggers, I set weekly and monthly goals -- benchmarks and such. But like, there's something to me about a resolution for the entire year to come that's just too daunting. Plus, there's no accountability, and judging from my gyms/yoga studios of the past, no one really keeps theirs anyway, right?

Although I have off-weeks, for the most part, I do keep in a pretty good habit of working out 3-4 times a week. I try not to drink wine on work nights. I hydrate. I treat people the way I'd want to be treated. I'm attempting to pay off my credit card debt. I (used to) volunteer. Probably need to get back in the swing of things in that regard! But like, what else is there?

So, I'll share a few small obtainable goals I'm setting for the month to come -- or just like, going forward. Goals/resolutions/whatever we want to call them.

1.) Keep working toward a new job -- preferably in the Midwest!

2.) If I'm going to caffeinate like a crazy person, let's try more green tea and fewer Monster energy drinks -- because those are probably awful for me. And whenever possible: WATER!

3.) Talk more with people I don't know. This can include strangers on the street or even like, my coworkers in the back of the building who I never really have to interact with. But whom I should interact with!

I've been working for awhile on becoming a better listener. Asking more questions and really hearing people's answers, rather than just deciding on what I'll say next. So I think this one ties into that. It reminds me of the Maya Angelou quote, "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."  I want to make people feel valued and understood.

And I need to pick a new yoga studio, too. But I'd do that no matter what.

I generally like to stay in the habit of pushing my boundaries and feeling challenged. Anything I'm forgetting? Finally pay off those CCs once and for all?

Happy 2015! Here are some pics -- thanks for the mems, 2014!

January -- Lucky enough to see a Rose Bowl WIN vs. Stanford with Caitlyn!

February -- A particularly memorable Lake Tahoe hike.

March -- Met Tony and Lisa in San Diego with G. Saw a panda, my life is complete.

April -- DayDay got his first NBA playoffs start vs. the Clippers! #DubNation

May -- Mayweather vs. Maidana, Part 1. Surprised G with the trip!

End of May/Into June -- #RachBach weekend! So happy to celebrate one of my very best friends.

July -- #TomRach wedding is here!

(I tried to leave out the Sparty pic but just couldn't).

August -- Visited Calaveras County with this guy for some very big trees and delicious wine.

September -- Drove up to Oregon for the MSU/Ducks game and tailgated with these brahs!

October -- (Was too broke from an entire year of traveling that I sat on my couch the entire time and caught up on reality TV. But at some point -- I think actually June, to be transparent -- Robby came to visit! So his pic can go here).

November -- (Worked a ton, again, did nothing of note ... except visited San Jose for Thanksgiving, where Caitlyn and I snapped 0 photos, apparently. Filler pic, this is actually July in Michigan!)

December -- Met up with my immediate family in Denver!

Sampino's Friday night dinner.

This post is going to be full of drool.

You've been warned.

Ever since I moved to Sac in 2011, people have been all, "you have GOT to try a Friday night dinner at Sampino's! There's one a month, do it do it do ittttt."

Samps is a restaurant pretty close to the newsroom. It's tiny, but family owned and operated, and delicious. My first introduction involved a meatball sammy for lunch -- and although I'd never been inclined to go that route before, the sando came highly recommended and just ... yep. Worth it. Devoured it then, have re-visited several times since and it's just perfection. Without fail. I won't even try anything else on the menu.

So, I soon learned that 'Friday night dinner' means the restaurant closes down to the public (or maybe it's not open that late anyway), and accepts like, 20-30 people for a private event. Samps rolls out a huge looooong table, and you make new friends and share a 55-course dinner together. You can bring your own wine or buy a bottle there, although we just ended up purchasing since I thought $20 in corkage was a little high. (Well, my bottle only cost $24, so.)

Anyway, after Samps had to cancel on us two months in a row, I was feeling like it might never happen.

But it happened.

G and I went to FND last week and it was about as incredible as I expected. If you're anywhere near Sactown, you've got to do this.

Here's the deal: You get there at like, 6, sit down and munch on some pepperoncini and bread/balsamic (I think other people ate cold cheese and olives too? That's not really my thing). You make friends with your tablemates and pop bottles. If you're me, you've been fasting for this (well, nearly), so you probably eat too much bread while waiting for the first course.

Jimmers!

Then you get soup. In this case, potato leek. Which sounds boring but it wasn't. It was super creamy and flavorful and YUM. Nothing came out in huge portions, but they definitely weren't small, either.

As I look back on the meal, I keep coming back to the soup. Wish I had the recipe to re-make that exact batch! Drooling, brb.

Anyway, next up was something called timbale, according to Samps' FB page. Which included puff pastry, penne pasta, meatballs, eggs, salami, mushroom, marinara, grana padano and mozzarella (good thing they listed the menu on social meds, yo).

This was like, can you picture a roll-cake? Like a pumpkin roll or a jelly roll? This was that. In savory form, You just got a small slice. Of like, pizza/calzone/goodness. Again, wonderful. A little weird looking, but wonderful.

THENNNNNN it was risotto time. (Luckily, a WAY smaller portion!) Wild mushroom and black truffle. I realized in this dish that I've never made a successful risotto. It was one of those, "Oh, is this what it's supposed to taste like?" moments.

Was getting full.

For the main course, we ordered one cioppino and one prime rib. We figured we'd split. Cioppino is like a seafood stew (expect this time it was over egg noodles) and PR is G's all-time fav.

As it turned out, they left the cioppino with him and the meat with me and it just kind of stayed that way. We traded a few bites but ... we were busy digging in. My PR came out with a lovely horseradish sauce and before I knew it, I was done.

Ugh but getting SO FULL now.

So, next we got a salad. Toward the end of the meal, weird, right? Apparently not, I guess it's a very European thing to do. It was arugula and roasted beets and I skipped the beets but thought the arugula and citrus dressing were pretty light and refreshing.

We finished up with a bread pudding/pecan gelato. By this point, I seriously needed someone to roll me outta there. The woman who had been sitting next to us was out for a neighborhood walk. We. Were. Stuffed.

So, I'd do it again! And I obviously recommend the experience to anyone in or rolling through NorCal. Sac is the Farm-to-Fork capital of the world right now, and this meal kinda proved it.

I think it came out to about $50 or $60 each, but that included wine. And like I mentioned (once or twice), included an F TON of food. Get on it!

I went to Colorado! Part two

So, apparently Robby's been watching a lot of "Cops." And since the Boston accent is his default setting, he mostly pretended we were the bad guys on "Cops" and he was the (Boston) lieutenant all weekend -- and play-arrested us nonstop.

I did mention we're all adults, right? Right.

The arrest sequence goes a little something like this (read this in a Bahhhhstan accent plz), "I'm gonna need one hand behind your back, OK now I'm gonna need BOTH HANDS behind your back. Do you have anything in your pockets? You're going to need to TELL ME NOW if you have anything sharp in your pockets or in the backseat or anywhere at all, believe me, it's better that you tell me now than if you let me discover it. I have a Taser and I'm going to have to use it in a minute. Stop resisting STOP RESISTING. No one said you were being arrested, for now you're just being detained."

And so on. I have no idea whether this is at all accurate to the show, I think I've seen "Cops" a grand total of never times.

At one point, my dad laughed so hard that my mom thought he was going to die. Like, my dad was BRIGHT red and Robby was attacking and my mom was trying to get him off and I was just sitting in the corner trying not to make any noise, or I'd be the next one "arrested."  Detained.

We're totally normal, right?

And then my parents would dance around the living room and Robby would secretly (pretty obviously actually) record it on Snapchat and put it out for the world to see. And then my mom would ask to see it and request (again), "let's save this next one!" and I'd have to remind her for the millionth time that you can't save stuff on Snappy, like, that's the point.

Sigh.

It was fun, but yeah, we didn't do a whole lot on the trip. Like I mentioned, we watched "Frozen" twice. And pretended it was real. "I wonder what actor plays the scary snowman! I hope they didn't break any child labor laws on this one."  We're not funny. Made dinner one night. Skied! At Keystone. My mom read inside the lodge the whole time (story of our lives). There wasn't like, a tonnnnnnn of snow, but there was definitely enough. More than I've seen in the Sierras lately. That part was great.

Plenty of boops on this trip, how did you know?

My Ortlieb boys

So lucky to STILL be skiing with my dad!

At one point, the 3 of us were going down this hill, it was more challenging than most of the shit we'd done that day, but not like, crazy hard -- and my dad fell. I kinda watched it happen and giggled to myself (Robby was taping it so we could watch later that evening, we're not nice), but then as I was laughing, I skidded over some exposed rock/treetop and took quite the cute little tumble myself.

Failfailfail.

Didn't tear my knee apart! Winwinwin.

Nice weather though. My muscles were nice and sore by the end of the day and it felt good to have a session of early-season skiing under my belt.

Flew home the next day, which felt good. Nice to see my fam bam, but four days was plenty. I'll tell you all about the Amy Poehler book I devoured on the plane in the next blog! Spoiler alert: LIFE CHANGING.

I went to Colorado! Part one

I feel like there are people in the world who just aren't that close with their families, and people who are like, weirdly WAY too into their families.

(This is a real status I just read on Facebook, no jokeskis. Here's the verbatim):

The few in this world I consider to be family, I am protective of, to say the least... And I know, I know... I can be a little CRAY CRAY sometimes, lol... yeah... it's hilarious.. all jokes aside? Don't f--- with my family.

I only tweaked the copy/paste action to bleep his swear word.

And now I just feel like, well ... this is awkward. Did you really need to put that out there for the world to see? You realize how the Internet works? Yes? OK. That's on you at this point.

I seriously hope the poster reads my blog someday and gets embarrassed. Sorry not sorry.

ANYWAY.

My family and I get along. We're close. We're not weirdly protective of each other on public forums. But we're drama-free. We genuinely like each other.

And we don't get together just the four of us all that often anymore! :( :(

My mom and Robs

Rob's pony

Sibs!

So, here's how this thing started. Last month, I requested off a handful of dates to drive up the coast into Mendocino County with my BFF, but we had to cancel. He couldn't get the time off work on such short notice, so I considered coming to Detroit. But flights were spendy and I wasn't feeling it a hunnid percent. (Sorry, have been watching a liiiiiiiiiiittle too much #LoveandHipHopHollywood lately). 

But then my mom suggested we all meet in Denver for a little family trip. Apparently, flights were dirt cheap from DTW to Denver, and then I looked and confirmed they were pretty reasonable from SMF to Denver too. So, sold.

My brother lives near and works at Keystone, so we decided to stay with him. He has a pretty big apartment, so we actually weren't too cramped.

What to tell you, what to tell you ...

To rewind all the way back for my recap portion of the program, I saw Brian Regan with ma boo on Friday in Santa Rosa (which was amaz), drove back earlyyyyyy (ha, 10 a.m.) Saturday, hopped on a plane to Denver just before 1 p.m. and got in around dinner time. Decided to kill some time with an airport massage (I never said I was classy), then I took 827348326478 texts from Robby and my mom about how I needed to catch this effing shuttle to Dillon because my parents' flight was running really late. The original plan was to carpool to my brother's, and my parents would be renting the car because that's what parents do. Even when you're 28.

So after some phone calls and a frantic dash across the Denver airport, I argued my way onto the Mountain Express, fronted $60 and got to Robby's by probably 8p.

The shuttle sitch wasn't ideal, but what can you do? It was true that I'd rather make progress on my final destination than kill five hours solo at the airport.

I got to Robby's and we ate QDOBA (we have no Qdoba in NorCal! I realize we have authentic Mexican food which is 82378326578 times better, but sometimes you just need that queso in your life), we hung out, watched the Notorious BIG movie on MTV, etc. etc. etc.  And my parents arrived a few hours later. This is why you don't fly Spirit.

The next day we all hung. Super low key. Arrested my dad a bunch (well, my mom too now that I consider it. More on that in part two). Went to Breckenridge! Hit a candy store way too hard like we were 10. Robby and I are 23 and 28, and we were like, "really, mom and dad? You'll let us fill up a bag? YASSSSS.) Anyway, downtown Breck was adorbs. Ate lunch, bought "Frozen," which we watched  twice over the weekend, and that's really the only indicator of action that you need     : )

We accidentally bought the singalong version, and by the end, we were passing the mic (and well, dropping the mic if you're me. I SLAY "Let It Go.")

Not really. I don't.

The mic is metaphorical.

But the next day we skied! So I'll give you part two in a few days. And explain this arresting business.

Soap & Glory (sounds like a punch line). EYE CREAM!

A few months ago, I was like, "is everyone using eye cream without me?"

That little pink blending sponge deserves a post of its own.

 I'll rewind. A few YEARS ago I determined everyone was moisturizing (without me), and I felt kind of left out. Who knew this was a thing we were all supposed to be doing? I still have oily skin, why should I be putting lotion on it all of a sudden? How did everyone else know to?  Questions.

So, fast forward backkkk to present day -- eye cream. I read a lot of beauty mags and sites on the regs, and people are talking about it -- the best brands, where to buy, etc. The past few months, I've seen pictures of myself, and where as usually, the first thing I see is acne or my splotchy skin, lately it's been bags under my eyes.

Gah-ross.

And what? When did I get so old? This is a thing now?

First the butter dish and now the bags. Late 20s, hi hi hi.

It's true: Sometimes I'm overworked, and I'm on a weird sleep schedule, and it's been a stressful past year or so. So maybe the bags under my eyes shouldn't have come as such a shock. But it did.

I woke up like dis.

So, I asked around on Facebook and a ton of people got all, "YES, eye cream is a really great preventive thing we should all be using, I mean, why not, it's your face, right?"

Right. I'm a big believer in investing in your appearance. This is why I splurge on nice haircuts and go to yoga.

Also, am I smiling too hard? Is that what's creating the bags? Ew. That might be something. But I don't trust people who don't smile with their teeth, and my teeth are kind of my thing, yaknowyaknow? Conflicted. #firstworldprobz

Soooooo, sometime shortly after the FB post, I found myself at Target and picked out a pretty basic kind of eye cream. That shit's expensive! I found a small tube for like, $15 by Neutrogena and felt productive. Bought it, used it for awhile, noticed no difference whatsoever, still managed to feel OK about it.

I was in the eye cream routine, that's progress, right?

Well, even more recently I got to thinking, and I was like, "should I be noticing some kind of difference? Maybe I'll revisit the eye cream sitch."

Last weekend, Lucky magazine posted a feature on all the best brands, so I picked one based on my needs, went to Sephora and picked some up. It was $41, so that kind of sucked, but I got over it.

For the record, I selected Soap & Glory's "Make Yourself Youthful" eye rejuvenating cream. Holy SHIT.

It's the teeniest little container, but you only need to apply a small amount. You're supposed to put it on morning and night, and I'm only on like, day three -- but you can really feel something happening! It tingles, it's THICK, dewey and hydrating ... it feels really good.

Boop, you baby container. Booooop

I go through phases of wearing a lot of eye makeup, and I also use a super drying (but effective!) face wash. So maybe my eyes just needed a bit more moisture. But like I said, I'm pretty much sold. This stuff feels incredible on my face.

So, no word yet on whether my bags will go down (I'm also trying to drink way more water like I used to when I was bikram-ing around the clock/and eat less salt). But I still feel really good about this stuff so far!

My eyes are NOT used to being so hydrated. I'm also trying to tug at my eye makeup less when I'm removing it at the end of the day with those Elf wipes.

So, progress!

AMAs fashion!

I've mentioned how much I love watching red carpet (and am horrible at PhotoShop, so brace yourself for the coming photos). But yeah, I usually don't even watch the awards show. Just the RC! Every time.

But because the AMAs aren't a huge deal, I've only picked my top five and worst five looks of the night.

So, without further ado ...

Blahhhhhhhhh [Getty pix]

 WORST:

--Frankie Grande -- No explanation needed, right? Barfbarfbarf, gtfo. (Not pictured, sorry! Long story).
--Elizabeth Banks -- Didn't love the mini. A little bit too much going on. Her body looks great in it, but ... nope.
--Heidi Klum (Versace) -- I'm not sure WTF is going on with this crop top+skirt combo, and then I see the shoes. Awful.
--Olivia Munn -- Is usually on my BEST list! I'm not sure here. The dark/vampy lip, weird belt and a metallic dress that hits her in the wrong spot? Not on board.
--Taylor Schilling (Vionnet) or Dianna Agron (Marchesa) ... couldn't decide who to pick for my final spot. Taylor looked cute, but her asymmetrical dress is leaving me so confused. It's a little too apron-y. And Dianna -- whose style I also usually love -- is a little too '80s for my taste. I hate the off-the-shoulder here and the weird tea length. Tea length makes me shudder. Plus, her roots are atroch (say it out loud, short for atrocious) and the eye makeup is sloppy. Wahhhh.

Lovesssssssss [Getty pix]

BEST:

--Kate Beckinsale (Kaufmanfranco) -- Love the fit and the cutouts. She was my fav by a landslide.
--Fergie (Halston Heritage) -- I know I know, Angelina leg. But you can't deny how incredible she looks. She's having a moment.
--Kendall Jenner (Yigal Azrouël) -- She is just so stunning. The boy-shorts keep it approp and I think this is a really fun look for the AMAs.
--Julianne Hough (Zuhair Murad) -- I go crazy for bold colors. This is tailored well and I think Julianne (who's been looking a little cray this season on DWTS), nailed it this time.
--AM I CRAZY FOR THIS ONE? Danica McKellar. This lacy emerald number is so cool and pretty! Swoon, Winnie. Swooooooon.

[Getty]

*My opinions are totally uneducated and I know nothing about fashion. Just thought I'd mention.
*Honorable mentions (both good and bad, respectively) go out to JLo (who looked SICK, like, how is she 45?) and Diana Ross, who showed up looking like a Thanksgiving turkey.
*And I don't know who you are, Jhene Aiko. But I saw your pic  too late and I probably should have put you on my BEST list. I lovelovelove this!

Over and out.

All the little things -- Part 3

It's that time again!

Hi, fluffies.

I'm finally maintaining a regular blog routine, but sometimes I just need to stay in the pattern of writing on the regs. And I don't always want to do a big ol'' post on one of my MAJOR FAV THINGS. (Like face wash. Or dry shampoo. It's just so challenging to tackle these deep topics, you guys. Really drains me).

So, another one of these shorties it is --

All the little things I'm loving:

I'm ...

Eating: Random seasonal snacks that sound good at the moment (like the monster bag of jalapeno pistachios in my desk at work), balanced with Lean Cuisines because I'm on a healthier-than-usual kick. Oh, but can we negate everything I just said and mention I ate theeeeee most amaz dessert probably of my life yesterday from Ettore's. (If you're in Sac, GET THURR). Pecan caramel cheesecake. Drop the mic! Just the teeniest baby slice because it was rich as F. But like, my mouth will never be the same. I was not expecting it to blow my mind like that. I just needed a pick-me-up because work was being a downer, so I went on a dessert adventure around the 7p hour and found ... heaven.

Drinking: Coffee (with Thin Mint creamer)! And wine. And water from all the yoga lately. But that's boring, let's get back to the wine. We just received our first wine-club shipment from Edenvale in Southern Oregon and I'm probably a little too excited. We got it Sunday and I've been like, frothing at the mouth to try some new ones. But I have a new self-imposed rule called no drinking wine on weeknights (it's just a little too easy to pour baby glasses each evening apres-work and unwind. And that's not a habit I'm trying to depend on). So TONIGHT. It's on, Edenvale!

My cute corks : )

Thinking about: Forgiveness. Being kind to myself. (Can you tell I have a new therapist I really like?) Paying off my credit cards once and for all. Wishing I could fly home for all the hols! Whimper whimper.

Watching: Kendra on WE-TV (this is depressing as F), 90-Day Fiance (omg what a trainwreck, GET ON IT), Chelsea Peretti on Netflix. The Albert Einstein part re: online commenters ... I was crying laughing.

Purchasing: A new coffee machine (a pretty nice one from Crate&Barrel I got with a 25% off coup!) And this butter dish that I've wanted for like, two years. Am I officially nesting? I never want shit for my apartment. I don't even hang stuff on my walls. (Saying you like white space is an easy way to spell out that you're lazy and don't know where to buy nails). But like, I've had my eye on this cute butter thing for years at Whole Foods. Why do I even want a butter dish in the first place? Don't ask. Although, you know what's annoying? Trying to spread butter on toast when it's all hard and just outta the fridge. The struggle is real. OK, so maybe that's what prompted it. ANYWAY TANGENT HI. I saw this butter thing at Ross (do you guys have Ross in Michigan? It's like, better and trashier than Marshall's/TJs at the same time and I don't even know), butttttt it was on sale for like, $8. It's usually like, $30 at WF and I just can't justify that. Buttttt I spotted it from afar and got all, can't stop, won't stop, getitgetit, wanted to buy multiple colors but whyyy would I need more than one butter dish?

Sigh.

Late 20s, I've officially arrived.

On the brain: T-givs, a possible holiday trip to Colorado, bummed that my Mendocino trip will be postponed.  I really wanna see my fam soon! 

And Sac finally got chilly (lol, no it didn't)! C'mon, it's like, 60 out.

Cooking/baking: Mexican chicken noodle soup, beef stroganoff in the Crock Pot, pasties from Apple Hill, buffalo chicken pizza on my new pizza stone, pumpkin whoopie pies (omg, one of the best pumpkin treats I've ever made! And I realized afterward that the pumpky I used was like, six months expired -- but they were delish and I didn't kill anyone with food poisoning). Scorrrre.

It feels so good to be in my warm, toasty kitchen lately. Tis the season, right?

Styling: My hair in a pony. Everyone loves this except me. But my hair is getting CRAZY long and you all know I don't wash it often. So sometimes I just need it outta here. Plus, was I the last to learn this? If you put your hair in a half pony and THEN a regs pony, it looks perfect like, 97% of the time. If I try to make a plain old pony? I somehow manage to F it all up. How am I 28 and I still haven't mastered the ponytail? I have my college degree but I can't do my hurr.  PS, can someone please come over and fishtail me every morning? So cute but I tried to learn on YouTube the other day and LULZLULZLULZ.

I'm teeny and cute! Wheeeee

Reading: All the things online, notably --

+ Canzano: 16 years after Oregon State football gang-rape allegation, Brenda Tracy steps from the shadows

+ Art or Humanity: Thoughts on Bill Cosby

+ Ryan Anderson tries to move forward after girlfriend Gia Allemand's suicide

Oh and everything I can find about Diem. Don't even try to read CT's post, it's just ... tears. Early heads up on that Ryan Anderson post, too. If you're not crying by the end of that thing, get outta here.

Not sure why I keep finding rapey things to read, but they really are resonating with me lately. At least Brenda Tracy spun hers into a positive. This UVA thing is just unfathomable. I can't wrap my head around any of it --

A Rape on Campus: A Brutal Assault and Struggle for Justice at UVA

Cheering for: MSU football, obvs. I finally got over the Ohio State loss and actually have been able to relax and enjoy the season again. The reality here? A LOT of great teams are going to get left out of the 4. It's far from a perfect system. At the end of the day, I'm not sure MSU is one of the best 4, even at State's best. (Even if they had beat OSU). For the record, I want the F-eyes out of the 4, as well. That one half of the SEC is just loaded. Anyway, MSU still has a really good opportunity to go to a reasonable bowl game and prove itself (possibly against like, Auburn or someone super legit who also gets left out of the 4). Considering the kind of football I experienced while at State, I'll take it! Not a busted season at all.

And ... can  you believe basketball season is here already? Sparties looked awful against Navy, decent against Duke, but I'm not sure about this season. Weird starting 5. Time will tell, I suppose.

Playing with: BABY PUPPY!! Who looked me straight in the eye as he peed allllllll over the carpet the other day and then ran around, finishing up the job. What a naughty baby puppy. He's growing up so fast though! His ears drag in his food bowl when he eats and I just want to snuggle him.

Missing: My friends. I saw this FB pic the other day and it made me miss so many of you! And (unrelated) peonies. Scroll up. Tis NOT the season anymore, yo. What are some affordable fall flowers? Halpppppp.

Yoga lately

I know I've recapped my yoga life up until now -- and explained how bikram was kind of my jam.

But I think I've also mentioned my recent move to the 'burbs, and how I no longer can drive to Yoga Loka anymore (unless I want to spend an hour in the car, round-trip). No thanks.

So, I needed to find another studio. Preferably, a heated one. I wasn't opposed to breaking out of my box a little, and trying a new type of yogz -- but I wanted to WERK, ya know? If I don't leave class a sweaty mess with remnants of last night's eye makeup dripping off my face, then why even go?

I hit up Googz. All signs pointed to East Wind Yoga in Roseville, which is about 6 miles from my apartment. So, not the closest, but reasonable enough for a quick drive at 8:30 most mornings (URG. I was also going to have to remind myself how to wake up at a reasonable hour).

Buttttttttt I tried it Monday! Signed up for a month unlimited for $30. Brought my BFF. It was good! I always think, if I'm not challenging myself somehow, I'm getting too comfortable. (I had totally gotten too comfy lately). Beers, snacks, sleeping in ... I needed to get my ass back in gear, physically.

And I think this yogz is going to grow on me!

So, real talk: I'm awful at it. I'm not like, unserviceable, but I'm not good. The instructor just kind of assumed everyone in the class had done yoga, I guess ... and maybe they had? It did seem like a lot of regulars. And I'm used to bikram teachers explaining every detail of what has to happen in every pose. Like, from the beginning. And in bikram, you hold everything for so damn long (usually a full minute then 30 seconds), that you get it by the end. I mean, you have to -- or at least a decent modification. But at East Wind, they were just like, "k, downward-facing dog time." Or, "half-moon time." And bikram half-moons are NOT the same as these. And sometimes we'd just hold our postures for like, 10 seconds. Or 15. Whatttttttt?

It's not to say the instructor didn't offer help and explanations. She was really good actually and I learned to like her style a lot. But still, I need to start with the dumbed-down versions on a lot of these poses. Crow? Well I've never even heard of that, so rewindddddd. Apparently the class was for all levels, so it's not like I jumped in over my head. And the teacher kept telling me to elongate my neck and look down, but I needed to creep on what the rest of the class was doing, you know? I'm a visual person, I need to see it! 

All of that said, I maintain that it really was good! I stayed in the room. It was warm, but not bikram hot. Nothing felt physically impossible. My bad leg spazzed out a few times and cramped on a few postures, but whatever. I respected my limits and tweaked. Overall, it was tough -- and my muscles today, ermagodddddd sore -- but not like, break-my-body hard. Apparently I took 90-minute hot, which is kind of vinyasa-ish? I'm going to try and do every other day, so tomorrow I'm planning on a 90-minute flow at 9a. Not sure if it's heated.

I'll keep you posted! So far, so good. And this studio has showers. WIN!

The mascara post.

As I've mentioned, I love makeup and beauty products, but I don't claim to be an expert. I just know what I love.

But remember that part in SATC where Carrie's boss at Vogue is like, (some version of) "the world doesn't care what Carrie Bradshaw thinks about shoes. What does Carrie Bradshaw know about shoes?"

And she's all, "with all due respect, I may not know about all the other junk, but SHOES? Shoes I know."

My paraphrasing is on point, I'm sure.

K, of all the beauty products, mascara is kind of my SHOES, you know what I'm saying?

I've tried a lot of brands over the years, and not to be a serious dick, but at least one person asks me if I'm wearing fake lashes like, once a week. (And I'm not. I discovered last summer I'm allergic. Gross).

So, without further ado, I'll share my favorite picks!

Here they areeeeee!

 BEST BANG FOR YOUR BUCK: Revlon's Lash Potion by Grow Luscious (volume and length mascara). I buy blackest black.

Decided to give this one a try maybe a year or two ago as an impulse purch at CVS. I think it's the best you can find without heading into a Sephora/Ulta type place. It's like, $7-8, there's NO clumping, and it's not messy to apply, either (which is my only issue with the next one mentioned). I use this when I'm going to run errands or I'm having a casual day at work -- I throw on a little powder, bronzer and this stuff and that's my bare minimum.

BEST EVA (fah eva-eva): Diorshow Blackout.

I know, how can I say "best eva" when I just complained it's a little messy to apply? Well, I make the rules here so deal with it. While yes, I can get smudgy as shit with this stuff when I'm in a hurry, it's still so worth it. It's just really thick, and the brush is so nice, and it makes my lashes look out of this world -- long, thick, everything you'd want. I started with normal Diorshow then upgraded to Blackout last month (I'm a sucker for packaging). I think it costs like, $30 with tax, which seems ridic, but I don't wear it every day. So it lasts a pretty long time. Whenever I get major compliments, it's because of this stuff.

BEST NEW DISCOVERY: Makeup Forever's smoky extravagent.

I picked this out probably six months ago as one of my Sephora rewards and it's quickly moving up my list. It's a good everyday mascara that I just might invest in on the regular. Similar to the Revlon but a tad thicker/higher quality.

BEST SPECIAL OCCASION: Benefit's They're Real!

For over-the-top lashes. It's like, $10 or $20 depending on if you want to buy mini or full-sized, and it's worth every penny. Layer on a few applications of this and you'd be surprised how magical it is. The best for coats on coats on coats. I swear, when I do this stuff up right, my eyelashes hit the lenses of my glasses. #notfunctional

Overrated: Maybelline's The Falsies, Cover Girl's Lash Blast, Too Faced's Better Than Sex.  Sorry.

Can't even tell you what kind I'm wearing here. Worthless.

TV!

I'm sorry, I know it's cute to be all, "I just don't watch TV. Who has time for it?"

I DO.

TV is just so good lately. You can't deny it. Big-time actors and actresses are even doing shows. And I'm loving every second.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still addicted to all my usual trashbag shows. Teen Mom2, MTV's The Challenge (um, when is this going to come back?!), The Bachelor/ette, etc. I even sank to a few new lows with Bachelor in Paradise (loving the train wreck that is Sacramento Claire), 90-Day Fiance (if you haven't seen this massacre, GET ON IT! It's on TLC Sunday nights, yo) and ... wait for it ... Love and Hip Hop Hollywood. Eeeeek, I know, right? Ray J is awful. Nicki is disgusting. Everyone is SO entitled, I almost can't stand it. But ever since Young Berg was arrested last weekend for domestic violencing Masika, I've been all "I want to watch everything leading up to it!" And that's awful that I'm contributing to the ratings for a Chris Brown type.

Ugh. I'm the worst. I watched FOUR HOURS OF IT when I couldn't sleep last night. Judge me. I deserve it.

But let's get back to how I started this post. This really is like, the golden era of television. True Detective with Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConauhey in season 1? Mad Men? And even though it ended, Breaking Bad's definitely worth a mention. Veep! House of Cards! Orange is the new Black! New Girl! Mindy! And even though I always fall asleep during these, Fargo is great. American Horror Story freaks me out but I love it. Modern Family, Girls, I could go on and on.

(No, despite the fact that I work in a newsroom, I don't get into The Newsroom. I just can't. It's too fakey).

Homeland was good for a bit but I haven't watched this season and I heard it jumped the shark. Next on my list after House of Cards (we have the season 2 finale tonight!) is one of the following: Downton Abbey, Masters of Sex and Scandal. I actually saw season 1, episode 1 Scandal, but I didn't love it. I heard I need to give it another chance. I do like Kerry Washington a lot; have ever since Save the Last Dance.

Some notes: Don't tell me that Mad Men is "too slow," you don't get it and you don't deserve to. And more importantly, DON'T encourage me to watch Big Bang Theory. I know you're going to say how funny it is once it all clicks but like ... shut your face. To me, it is so NOT FUNNY and disgusting. I hate Jim Parsons, he is insufferable. And yes, this is coming from someone who just admitted to watching Love and Hip Hop Hollywood. Sorry not sorry.

I just read up on the end of Boardwalk Empire. Sounds like a satisfying series finale. I fell off the bandwagon with BE a few seasons ago, but always appreciated it on a certain level. Although, too many white guys who all look the same, yaknow?

Dexter was sosogood until the final season. Ughhhhhhh and that ruined it a bit for everyone, I think.

And for the record: Probably my favorite show of all time is Six Feet Under. Yes, it's dark. But it was just cast so perfectly. And the finale set to that Sia song will make me cry every time.

TV! I love it. Anything else I should be watching?

Bikram yogz -- Part 2, the real deal.

So, I feel like I've heard a ton about yoga since like, 2010. I'd always kind of wanted to try it, but I had all the excuses. I'm not flexible (truth). I'm not really the yoga type (truth, to some degree). I'm scared to try new classes (still the truth).

But then one day I got a Groupon in my inbox for like, $20 yoga for a full month, unlimited. I looked up reviews and the studio offering the deal seemed pretty solid. This was RIGHT after I had tried running again for a few weeks in 2011 or 2012, and failed miserably. I like snacks, desserts and beers too much to stay inactive for long and I was desperately in need of an ass-kicking.

So I sucked it up and bought the Groupz. Was unaware that bikram meant HOT and I showed up to my first day of class in thick, long pants.

I thought I was dying after the warmup series. I looked at the clock every 15 minutes and got a little panicky. I was SO HOT. It felt like a concentration camp. I rolled up my pants as high as they would go and fought off this seemingly irresistible urge to take my shirt off. UGH.

But I can't explain it. At the end, I felt ... cleansed, in a way. Proud that I made it. Proud that I gave it my best shot, and I just remember sleeping SO well that night. This was back when I used to work early mornings, and I always had a hard time putting myself down by 9p. Problem solved, yo.

I didn't return the following day, but I did go back the day after that -- and soon enough, settled into a nice little every-other-day routine. I learned how to pace myself. And what to wear (hint: next to nothing, everything wicking), and how to hydrate beforehand and spread out my water intake during the class.

Soon enough, I was hooked. For the next two years, I bought the unlimited package and went as often as I could. I attempted a 30-day challenge twice, and although I came up short both times, I still got in a LOT of yoga and it felt really nice.

I told all my friends and got several coworkers in the swing of things. And I looked and felt GREAT, if I'm allowed to say that.

Nature bow! Don't judge this too hard -- this was probably a month or so into my yoga career : )

Bikram isn't just about what you do inside the studio. I think just staying in the routine makes you healthier overall. You can't eat crap beforehand, and you don't want to afterward. If you're planning on an early class Sunday morning, you can't take Fireball shots the night before. You get into a cycle of chugging water on the regs. Like I mentioned, you sleep like a ROCK. Your muscles feel good, your head feels great ... I can't say enough positive things.

Now that I've moved, I actually need a new studio. So, I'm not getting any of these benefits lately, and that needs to change! (It's just hard because a lot of places only offer early morning and evening classes. When you work at 2p, you need somewhere with a bit more middle ground. Can I get a NOON CLASS up in hurr?)

So, bikram. It's truly one of the things I LOVE.

I'll address some frequently asked questions:

What about overstretching?

Meh, I guess it's possible. Like I've mentioned, I'm not naturally flexible, so this wasn't much of a prob for me. (But that's one of the best things about bikram -- you can totally work at your own personal limit and still get all the bennys). When people ask about overstretching, and all the online articles do mention to beware of it, I just tell people this: When you first start bikram, it's more about survival than anything else: learning to pace yourself, to stay in the room, to stay on your feet during the standing portion. I don't think you're going to overstretch if you listen to your body and take it easy. If something hurts -- and there's a difference between sore and OUCH -- drive slow, homie.

What's the hardest part?

Some days, dragging myself to the studio at all. But really, once you're there, the leg series is pretty challenging if you're doing it to the max. Your thighs have to be super controlled and your feet have to get pretty strong to get up on your toes and chill. Standing bow-pulling pose is pretty hard at first to get into, and then to hold the full minute. (Although, like many of the postures, once you get it, you get it. Somedays I just hit my balance and I'm like, BAM, eat it, bow).

A chart of the 26 postures.

I still struggle with a few. Because of my hamstring and my knee, see part one* my balance isn't great. I'll probably never be able to kick out in standing head to knee. Or in Janushirasana and Paschimottanasana (yes, I had to Google for spelling). My fixed firm isn't all the way down. I still modify on toe stand. I can NEVER get my arms back as far as I'd like on half moons. But still, as frustrating as all of that is, I understand it takes people YEARS to do some of this. And although I've been at it for 2-3 years now (with some breaks, like now), yoga is also about respecting your boundaries and having patience. I'm not going to hurt my leg worse by forcing something before it's ready.

Isn't it gross?

A little bit, yep. But I can't overstate how great you feel at the end. Suddenly it's all worth it. But yeah, you will sweat out of places you didn't know you COULD sweat from, and you will leave the studio looking like you just got thrown in a pool. Bring towels for your car for the drive home. Don't bite your nails until after you've had a shower. Keep a hand-towel nearby during class. You never know when you might need to grab a foot or a leg or something -- I can usually get zero traction because my entire body is so slippery.

Why are there so many breaks? And what's up with the weird breathing at the beginning and at the end?

It's true -- you take a lot of savasana. And I was skeptical of the breathing exercises too, at first. I really don't have all the answers, but I know what works for me. If you're truly relaxing during savasana and then working at your max during the poses, it all just kind of gels. You do the breathing to prepare yourself for the 90 minutes of work, and then exhale out all the crap at the end of the session.

As someone who holds her breath like crazy when she's nervous or stressed or overworked ... the yoga breathing has really helped me calm down.

****

I've never done any other kind of yoga, so I can't compare it. And at this point, I don't want to waste my time on a new type or class unless it's hard. I want to feel dead at the end of the session. I love being red-faced, truly exhausted and on the brink of collapse. Maybe it's from my runner background. But that's what makes it all worth it to me. Yoga has been a way to exercise even with a bum leg. It's been a place of escape over the past few years, which have been pretty hard on me. It's a way to escape my stress, and re-focus on what matters.

I'm not ashamed to modify my postures and I think the practice has made me more thoughtful in my day-to-day, as well.

If you go, keep an open mind. Wear shorts and no cotton. Bring more water than you expected (for afterward, too). Try not to leave the room, if you can. (My last studio wasn't strict, but I do think it helps to stay inside). And enjoy! Breathe. (Through your nose).

I can't recommend it enough. If I can do it, so can anyone. It's really not all about Lululemon and being cute and competitive. And everyone has bad classes every now and again, so don't sweat it.

Give it a month before you make a decision one way or the other. And if you're in Sacramento, try Yoga Loka on Folsom. Kally's weekend class at 4:30p is my fav!

Namaste.

Bikram yogz -- How did I get here?

In Michigan, I was the athletic one of my friends (or, at some points there were several of us). But I've been a runner since middle school or so, and I went on pretty regular jogs throughout high school and college. A lot of my friends weren't athletes at all -- and I don't say that in a negative way, I mean, I'm not hinting that they were fat, it's just that sporty things weren't their jam. My mom is the same way. She goes on walks semi-regularly with my dad, but anything else? Nahhhhh. And don't get me wrong, if I were blessed with better genes and could get away with sitting on my ass all day, I totally would.

So in contrast, in California, EVERYONE seems to have some kind of sporty/outdoorsy preference or hobby. It was kind of the same way living in Colorado. Running, biking, yoga, a softball league ... it's like, there doesn't seem to be anyone around here who just prefers knitting or reading or staying in by the fire (we live in Sacramento? No fire? OK). But everyone has SOMETHING that gets the heart rate up on the regs. Even the seemingly unathletic people are like, "I go standup paddleboarding every day before work!" (I realize a lot of these statements are massive generalizations, but really. I'm onto something here).

So, I came to the Golden State and running was already out. I needed a thing.

To backtrack a bit, my senior year of college, I tore my ACL-MCL-LCL-meniscus while skiing at Beaver Creek. It was stupid. I wasn't even going down a particularly steep hill or doing anything impressive. My dad and I were just goofing around, racing to the bottom of the mountain for lunch/dinner/linner and my legs were shot from skiing on real terrain all day. I made a sloppy turn, got my ski stuck in some thick, sludgy snow, tried to jump out of it, and my body fell one way and my legs went another and GAH. I've never felt such pain. I just remember whimpering alone in the snow, my body shocked at what had just happened. I'd been skiing almost as long as I could walk, and I'd never had anything like this happen. A ski school guy called down to the base for help and someone went and found my dad. In the meantime, I had to get carted down like some kind of cripp. (Oh, and my dad won the race, apparently. Victoryyyyyy).

RIGHT before it happened. #thefall

But my injury changed everything. I came home from Colorado, had reconstructive surgery, crutched around the MSU campus my final semester, completed about half my physical therapy -- and then the insurance wouldn't cover any more, so I stopped going. I figured my leg would continue healing with time. Wrong.

I started running again maybe just six months or so after the surg. It hurt, but I was all like, "no pain, no gain!" Oh, and I should mention -- I didn't just start running again like, "oh, let's just do a few miles here and there, see how it goes!" 

I decided to shed the few pounds I had put on -- by staying inactive for way too long, sidelined by the injury and drinking beers -- and train for the River Bank Run in GR. A 25K, no bigs, right? 

No one said I was smart.

So I trained and I trained and I was pretty slow but completing my runs (I've always been slow. I was competitive at sprinting, but never distance).

And then like, a month or so before the race, I had hit my stride. I knocked out a 13- or 14-mile training run without any major problems, conditioning-wise. I could breathe! But I was in pain, re: my leg.

I was pumped I had stuck to a training schedule. And I had really proven something to myself. But again, PAIN. Not the good kind.

My knee was killing me. And so was the back of my leg, where part of my hamstring had been grafted for the doctors to create a new ACL. (I didn't want a cadaver. Something about that grossed me out. In hindsight? Should have just taken the cadaver). And my hips were creaky where I had been babying my one leg and things just felt really off inside.

So, I tried ice and I tried taking it easy. But the race was approaching, yo.

It was weird, once I would get like, a few miles in, the hip/leg/knee pain would kind of numb itself out. But the act of getting my body to run was getting harder and harder. I think my gait was off. OK, everything was off.

Finally, as much as I wanted to run in the race, I realized I had to throw in the towel and finish rehab. My health was more important than my pride and I knew I couldn't compete.

On a day when I headed out just on a shorter 5-mile run, I couldn't even get my leg to lift up or hit a stride. It was time.

So there's my way-too-dramatic backstory of why I had to stop running.

Fast-forward to my move to California. Did I learn my lesson and finish my physical therapy?

Nope. Started running again in 2012. Forgot how bad it hurt. Quickly remembered. I think it was maybe a three-week stint before I gave up again.

Fast-forward to now: Have I learned my lesson and finished PT?

Nope. Ran a mile on the treadmill the other day just as a test and then was like, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUUUUUUUUU!"

I was just testing it, guys.

I did, however, go to the knee doctor recently and confirm I hadn't re-torn anything. They gave me a list of exercises I should be doing on the daily and told me to act fast because I've got some mean arthritis that's developed in my left knee. (You should hear it in the morning. It's SO loud and creaky. It sounds like ghosts).

So, they also told me to ease up on the yoga.

I hinted that this was a yogz story, remember?! A two-parter, apparently. Yoga has become my California THING over the past few years. Seriously, bikram calms me down like nothing else can. I mean, probably because I'm dying on the mat and you can't hyperventilate about work when you're DYING. But still. Bikram.

Part two follows ...